Feeling sick

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Feeling sick
13
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 11:37am

Had a terrible day yesterday involving a huge fight with my sister. One of her main issues with me? Not spending enough money on my nephew for his birthday last month. Claims I don't love him. I did what I could, spent an afternoon baking him cupcakes and treated him to a movie. The cost of the movie was something I could barely handle, but we made it work. Don't know when I'll speak to my sister again, and she will withhold my nephew from me.

Today DH needs my car to drive to a shooting range with my dad. Today was payday which is another stressful conversation about money and what bills we can pay. We were expecting a small bonus from DH's work today but find out first thing this morning it won't come until the 17th. The 17th - after our trip to TN, after our insurance bill is due, etc. How are we going to make this work? I work very hard on the budget figuring out what we can do this month. How much "allowance/fun money" we can have.

Dh comes to get my car, I tell him what I've worked out with our budget. Get in a fight in my work parking lot because he doesn't like how little money he gets to spend and doesn't want to "ask permission to spend $30" - gets in my car and drives off, I get in his Jeep to put it back in my reserved spot and go back to work. Slam the door - window goes off the tracks and door won't shut. I have broken his vehicle. Add that to the long list of things we need to pay for and can't. A jeep that needs a new transmission, needs an inspection and an oil change, now a broken window and a door that won't shut. Called


 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Sat, 02-04-2012 - 1:23pm

Wow, first issue you mentioned... Your sister's behavior is unacceptable.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 7:29pm
Oh, your poor nephew! Being raised with such poor value of money. I think at 12 years old he is old enough to CHOOSE to spend time with his wonderful aunt who spends TIME with him.

Can you still communicate with him directly? My youngest just turned 12 and there is nothing keeping her from calling people, especially if I am not home.

Pray for your POOR sister! She is going to end up on Dr. Phil!

OK, I have one tid bit of advice.....

I can relate to being the anal one. And I can tell you that you are going to have to find another way to present this to your DH. My SO is like your DH, with the exception of debt. My SO has no debt, execpt an IRS bill. He also can't think past dinner tonight. He also has no retirement of savings though, either.

He ALSO thought of budget as "doing without." I had to start using the term Spending Plan.

The more details you present your DH with, the more stressed he is going to become. What you describing would never fly with my SO, either.

Just today me and SO were talking about all of the stuff we have going on in our life and he said "Thank goodness you are not asking me to cancel cable today, it would just put me over the edge."

Me and SO have separate checking accounts and if I started using a strict enevlope system, and every time he asked me to pick something up that was not in MY spending plan, and I had to ask to be "reimbursed" every time, it would drive him absolutely nuts.

I don't have a black and white answer for what will work for the two of you, but you will need to find some level of acceptance that he is who he is. It may get worse before it gets better, but it will be worth the late fees or water being shut off, or a CC being denied, or notice from the collection agency if it means your DH finally learning a lesson.

Hope something in there was helpful. :)
Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 4:49pm
countrygal-2008 wrote:

The vehicle was in crappy shape and that's why he wanted to borrow your car.


 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 4:46pm

Thanks for saying I'm a great auntie. Am I a terrible person if you saying my sister is selfish immature or lacking basic life skills made me feel much better? lol :)

You're right, I spent money on the cupcake ingredients, I also spent time searching for a cool recipe he'd love, and I spent half a day making them. And I am known for my baking skills, not to toot my own horn. My sister upon tasting one said they were "gross" and proceeded to smash a couple of them up (my nephew helping her do this and laughing). And this was all in a public restaurant. The 24 leftover cupcakes went to DH's work where people actually appreciated them and said they were delicious. DH says no more


 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 4:40pm

Thanks serenity. Movies are expensive!! It's crazy how much they've gone up. It was special for me to take him to a movie becasue that is something we've done together since he was very small and I have great memories of doing so. I packed snacks, candy, bottled water since the concessions are even worse. He asked for popcorn/soda and I explained why I couldn't get him any (he's 12, btw). My sister says "you don't talk to children about money!!" Okay .... good luck with that. I think if our parents had talked to us about money a little more, we'd both have pretty different lives right now. And she's not young, she's about to turn 31. Old enough to know better I'd think, and I'm the baby sister here. Ah well.

I will talk to my DH tonight. I hope we can get better at communicating over money because it is so important. We are both very stressed and burnt out at this point and that is hindering the good communication in my opinion. And you're very right - he is not a details person at all, and I totally am. I obsess over every penny, every possible change in the budget, I have a million tiny baby step goals. He wants to know how much we have in the bank right now and what needs to get paid this week. Period.

I will work on not taking it personally, I am notorious for that and for being "sensitive"


 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 4:33pm

It is the word permission that really hurt. I've never put him in a situation where he's had to ask permission and he knows it. I work very hard at crunching the numbers (or "obsessing" as he often likes to call it) to make things work for both of us. I will tell him later when I get home from work how that made me feel.

We both have blow money worked into the budget, his wants just exceed our means. Our blow money is being reduced so we can afford a very expensive visit to see his children in April. He can't commit to the sacrifice now to reap the reward later, like I am trying to do. I see long term, he sees short term. I am for sure the anal one in Dave Ramsey's example.

He doesn't understand a monthly budget. Budget = restrictions to him. He likes taking each paycheck at a time, seeing what needs to be paid, and then repeating every 2 weeks. I like an overall plan and goals for each month, and for the whole year AND looking at each paycheck. Money is a tricky issue with our different personalities and we're doing our best to work it out. Groceries are the same way - I want to think ahead - have a PLAN for all 3 meals and snacks every day, he can't think past what he wants for dinner tonight and gets irritated by all of the details.

I went ahead and typed up a proposed budget for the month. He will get it when I get home and I'm going to tell him I need to know we're on the same page so he needs to look it over and improve upon it if need be. And then we need to stick to it. Wish me luck.

My sister, ugh. TMM would help her if she was open to it. She is older than me, but very much in debt. She has very expensive tastes - new clothes, coach purses, diamond jewelry, new car, long commute, tanning, hair dying, expensive gym membership, cigarettes and tattoos, vacations, breast implants, etc. All great things if you want them and can afford them. But she cannot. She is almost 31 and my parents pay her daycare costs when she is overdue, my nephews school lunches after they find out from him he didn't eat that day because his account is overdrawn, etc. She says "I don't want to live like you" - because in her eyes I have nothing. I live in an apartment, she "never would" and instead rents huge houses she can't really afford. But I can't change her and I need to learn to be less affected by her and her choices.


 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 4:23pm

Yep, I read about Murphy terrorizing all of you nice people here on DSG for so long, and now he's finally decided to come spend some time with me. I'm sure I'll get through it, as many of you already have.


 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2008
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 3:53pm
oh....and most of all BIG {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

Norma


"Patience is the best remedy for every trouble"- Plautus


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2008
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 3:52pm

This is the way I feel.

Norma


"Patience is the best remedy for every trouble"- Plautus


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2001
Fri, 02-03-2012 - 2:48pm

(((oh honey)))

Life can be so hard sometimes.

Your sister is being a pill.

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