Hello again

Avatar for poorboy2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2011
Hello again
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 12:58am

I'm back, I think. I've been gone because my personally life has been upside down. On the other hand, professionally I've been moving forward. In terms of debt, however, I've been moving backward. But now I'd like to reverse the tide.

For the upside down stuff -- I'm not sure how much I should say, and how comfortable you'd be as readers. After all, this is a family-oriented forum. I'd been wanting a bad girl, and I got her. Well, actually, no one can really have her, and it wasn't just one bad girl either. Financially all this was rather expensive. (No, I wasn't paying for sex, but the equipment costs, the medical costs, the wining and dining costs, and other stuff I don't want to get into...) But I was having lots of kinky sex. Do you know the Lucinda Williams song, "Essence"? It was like that. It was like I was getting called. The money issue aside, I'm not sure it was worth it, though -- I became pretty messed up emotionally because what I really want is love, and I wasn't getting that. Good thing I didn't catch anything.

That's one way to summarize it anyway. I told a friend about parts of it in some detail, and, greatly alarmed, she said if I want to keep my career, I will tell no one about it. I told another friend, and he said, wow, this is the sort of stuff you read about in erotica. I'll have to think a bit more about what I can share here, because these were rather complicated situations involving too many people.

I stopped keeping track of my spending, because it was just too depressing. I will start again. I haven't looked at my debt level in a while. So take turns whipping me with wet noodles, why don't you. On second thought, maybe you shouldn't...

But work is going OK. I have some new, strong graduate students, and they seem to like me. My enemies in the department have quieted down, but I think something new is about to start. I'm going to be a whistleblower, even though there isn't really confidentiality in academia. I can do that because I'm applying for a job somewhere else, though wherever I go is likely to pay less. I can't stand living here anymore. Getting out of debt will take longer.

I'm not sure I'm done with bad girls. Something about the crazy, smart ones really sets my heart pounding and my loins on fire. I am also developing stronger preferences about how I'd like them to dress.

I miss Kate. Has anyone heard from her recently? I'm worried about her. 

Glad to see that time is moving forward as expected, Norma. Another week, another step towards freedom. How's your shoulder and your various ailments?

How are you babies, Karen & Jennifer?

How are you, kac? Hang in there.

Bex, have you been able to ride in this weather?


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2010
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 1:28pm

PB -

To each his own in the intamacy department and if you have kinks, it is hard to quell them as they are deeply set inside you! 

I am lucky that in the 2nd part of my life I found a man who shared the intimate desires I had.  But, before we got checked back into reality, we did our share of spending and that is a lot of where our debt came from. 

Put it this way, we have two Christmas bears on our bed for the holiday - Mamma Bear and Papa Bear, we have taken to teasing one another with the bears in various positions (hey, we have no kids at home) the other night he told me the bears got really wild - Mamma bear was tied up hanging from our ceiling fan!!  I just stood there an laughed for a good 15 minutes!  It felt good to laugh that hard.  But you know where the purpatrators mind was....

Anyhooo - I really think that move to a larger city might work better for you anyway.  Academia seems to be hiring in many areas, as many are retiring.  Maybe if you got to somewhere you liked, met a woman who also had a half decent income, you could get on better footing together???

Oh well, we can dream for one another can't we?


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 5:20pm

Nice to see you back.

As a reformed "bad girl"...I think you are going down a dangerous road. As VM mentioned, it can be ingrained. If it isn't already then you still have a chance. It is like people in dysfunctional r/ships...guy who is possessive causes girl to start thinking nice guy doesn't like her bc he acts normally & appropriately and not possessive. It becomes your new normal.

But ultimately it is up to you. I read once about paralyzed people retraining their brains to switch erotic zones to feeling parts of their body. I realized that if they can do that, then I can retrain my mind to do whatever I thought would make me happy. I successfully did so and am living happily ever after...my DH had to be "retrained" as well ;-)

As to the debt, I think we all get fatigued and just need a break from it. I feel like just throwing in the towel and saying "right now we'll not be paying down debt" and let myself off the hook. With a DH working PT to get a foot in a new career, 2 young children requiring babysitting and my school tuition it is just TOO tight right now. But then I realized that we are treading water and that will just have to be okay for now. There is no benefit to me to waste time and energy beating myself up about it. It is what it is.

Glad to see you back,


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 3:13pm

OK, I may not be your favorite person on this board, but I hate to see you getting hurt because of what happens in your private life, which I believe it is nobody's business as long as it happens between consenting adults, where children and animals are not involved.  It is also a good idea to keep it out of the workplace, i.e. no co-workers.

Please do not disclose any more detail here as nothing on the web is confidential.  There was one time I needed to track a person from his ebay account (work related, there was a safety issue, and it is done all legal and above board).  You will be amazed how easy it was - it took less than 5 minutes to get that person's name, the wife's name, home address, phone number, and employer.  If you need to talk, get a different user name and perhaps look into installing an internet anonymity software such as Tor.


Take good care of yourself, in terms of internet security and your emotions.

Avatar for poorboy2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2011
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 12:53am

@Marie: Wow, suspension? Respect!!! That takes skill. Thanks for the support. I'm comfortable with my sexuality. I'm also flexible in relationships, including vanilla ones. It's just that I seem to be going through something and I'm gravitating towards bad girls these days. What do you call a pre-midlife crisis crisis? 

@Dee: Don't worry, I was already far gone even before. The good news is that I am generally cautious and have a strong self-preservationist instinct. 

@demontespan: Thanks for the warning. I have taken caution to withhold more specific details. Disgruntled young academics having kinky sex are a dime and dozen, fortunately (?). Also, why in the world would you think I don't like you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 10:23am
Hi PB! So glad to see you back, kinks and all! LOL! I miss Kate too! Baby is doing just fine. Almost 5 months old already. I hope your debt journey gets back on track and you can find some peace in the planning again. Just try to imagine life without the debt for a day or two. Sometimes that helps. Still dancing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2001
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 6:07pm

Hey PB,

Welcome back.  

I'm curious about something; I know you use to pretty consistently report your expeditures for the week, but I was never really clear on your overall financial progress since you joined the group.  Are you in less debt now than you were when you joined?  Just wondering. . . 

Avatar for poorboy2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2011
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 7:58pm
@Karen: No, I had to stop doing the vertical variety of dancing to make time for the, urh, other variety. But now I think I can try to live a more balanced lifestyle while strengthening my core muscles in other ways. @Bumbling: Yes, I did make overall progress, especially from 11/2011-6/2012. After that, a long lesson in "No Woman, No Cry." Now I'm still ahead, but not by that much. I'll have to take a hard look at the numbers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2008
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 8:34am

I've been wondering where you were.  I'll withhold what I'd really like to say.....think big SIs here...in oder not to step on any toes.

PB, you have got to get yourself back on the wagon if you want to attack that debt.  I'm glad you decide to return to the board.

Thanks for asking about my heath.  My should is 90% normal, some arthritis in all my body, heart is misbehaving a little, but I have a checkup in January with the with the heart specialist.  Overall working 40 hours a week and maintaining.  I guess that's all you can ask. 

PB I wish Santa Claus would bring you a nice old fashion girl who would be your life long companion.  I hate to hear that anyone is lonely.  Someone is out there somewhere, you've just not run into her yet. 

Please check in weekly, it helps!


Avatar for poorboy2011
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2011
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 11:17am
@Norma: Yes, I have run into her. She doesn't want to move here. I don't buy the "there is only one soulmate" theory, but even if there's a hundred of them waiting for me, they are not in this terrible town.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
In reply to: mahopac
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 3:19pm

No kidding about that.  Sometimes weird coincidences do come up.  About 10 years ago I became online friends with someone who was unhappy in her marriage.  We never exchanged last names, but one day I had the sudden, startling suspicion that my new online friend was unhappily married to...my client.  I quickly verified this without either of them knowing, and then I gave up the friendship, as it felt too dishonest to my client.  Our paths narrowly avoided crossing in person a few years later - thankfully they never did.