NEED ADVICE about my girlfriends debt- UPDATE

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2011
NEED ADVICE about my girlfriends debt- UPDATE
21
Mon, 10-24-2011 - 10:52pm

scroll halfway down for the UPDATE

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2011
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 12:41am

Hi Vincent,

Well, you are in a really delicate position...for one side, I wish I could have had financial planning before I married, and I think everybody should have some sort of financial education as many marriages break up or make each other miserable because of money problems...

It is difficult to say what to do when love and other things are involved. You have already trusted her (very fast, less than a year into the relationship), and allowed her to move with you without having full disclosure of her debt. In my humble opinion, you have all the right to set boundaries and ask her for full disclosure. After all, she's not only living in your house rent free, but she is also going to share with you the rest of her life.

Think about what do you want for yourself. How do you see both of you in five years? What would happen if you feel pressured to marry a person who you obviously love, but is unable to open up with you and allow you to really help her?

Trust me: going into debt "just because", without a proper justification, is like an addiction. I've been there. People get trapped for many reasons into a cycle of debt denial and when things seem un-playable, then they continue spending and having magical thinking that everybody would solve by itself. Sometimes you have to go really down to finally understand that what you are doing is wrong and that if you don't change, you'll hurt yourself and the ones you love.

Have you tried making a nice "date" to talk about your future together and, as part of the plan, talk about what each one of you want from life and from this marriage? Talk about your values, your dreams? The money talk will come as part of this if you see it as part of the big plan. There is no way you will spend 12K on a ring, and who knows how much on a wedding and a honeymoon trip, if you can't sit together and discuss about money and a plan to pay the debts now...imagine when you are married, imagine when the children come, when you try to move to a bigger house, etc...

No matter how difficult this subject is, you need to find a way to talk about it.

If she doesn't get serious, you might need to consider how much you love her and until where you are able to commit and change yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 12:39pm

Hey welcome to the board,

I'm not going to lie. $190,000 of student debt between 2 people is a lot. She doesn't seem very committed to paying off her share.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 1:01pm

I so glad you came here and posted!

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2008
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 2:13pm

Hi & Welcome!

Norma


"Patience is the best remedy for every trouble"- Plautus


Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 2:16pm

You are absolutely right that the time to have this discussion is NOW.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2007
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 3:52pm

Hello

First I have been married for over 40 years, I tried to teach our son about money when he was young but I got the look. He wasn't interested in learning. Now he has married a woman who can not

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2006
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 4:53pm

You are very wise to be tackling this now, before your finances are legally mingled by marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 9:28pm

I think you are being very wise to consider your girlfriend's finance before thinking about marriage!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 11:46am

I'm glad you wrote in because I think this is a problem too many people are unwilling or unable to discuss with their significant others and then they have problems AFTER they are married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
Wed, 10-26-2011 - 6:09pm

Hi Vincent,

Kassandra

"It is said that life has its peaks and valleys.  The challenge is to accept them equally and experience them

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