Tried to talk to DH about spending plan, savings, etc...

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Tried to talk to DH about spending plan, savings, etc...
11
Fri, 11-15-2013 - 12:36pm

Decided not to vent here.  Sorry guys.

Serenity

Serenity

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-1999

Bummer, sorry you are going thru this but maybe it will be for the best & you guys will come out on the other side in agreement of your spending plan.  I think if we don't have goals or plans, such as debt free, mortgage paid off, retirements savings, spending/vacations, then it is quite possible to see lots of years of earnings go by with not much to show for it except debt.  I encourage you to try the Dave Ramsey plan.  It has worked wonders for us & our marriage & we are almost completely debt free including our home.  I'm sure we are older than you guys but we've worked hard all of our marriage & not having any financial stress in our marriage is PRICELESS!!  Best of luck on your goals & getting on the same page.

cindylee

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999

Your <<< perception is this:  He wants a housewife that is self-supporting.  He wants me going to school but wishes I made more money.  He knows I can make more money with my home business, but likes me being available to spend time together.  He thinks I should work another 2 days a week, but likes me around on my days off. >>>  Your PERCEPTION is that he likes having you around on your days off more than he wants you to work.  But the REALITY is that he wants you to work more.  HE SAID SO.  HE SAID: EVERYTHING WAS ON HIS SHOULDERS. 

Most of us are happy when our spouses are home with us.  That does NOT mean we want them to stop working and sit around with us.

Plus, the self-employed people I know, who have successful businesses, do NOT have a lot of time to sit around the house.  If you were NOT there, and were out working, perhaps he would work more also.

Finally, you need to open your mouth, and stop "percepting".  For instance, when your husband was buying furniture you did NOT need, while ignoring the roof you DO need, where were you?  Where was YOUR mouth?  And your brain?  Send the furniture BACK, and get the roof.  Furniture does you no good, if your house is falling down around your ears.

And everything else aside, if you have CC debt, don't have enough money to pay it off, and don't have enough money for retirment, then unless you have a money tree in the basement, you need to make more money.  If YOU are not working full time, then YOU need to work more, and find a job that pays better.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Thank you Cindy.

 

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
While I agree somewhat with sabrtooth - I have to wonder, what was he thinking? He SAW you struggling to get through school and pay your bills. Did he think you were going to give up school or magically make more money after you were married? He knew what he was getting into and that this was going to take time. He is lucky to have you since you now understand how to manage money and debt. Some people learn that lesson much harder than you. Before you try talking to him again, be sure you know from the bottom of your heart what YOU want. I have had many long term r/ships and the one thing I have learned is that often you argue when you just "don't know". DH and I will often end a disagreement by saying, "OK. What do you want me to do then?" And the other person doesn't know! So how can a partner know? Then the exploring together to figure it out can start. Openly and honestly. And if you do know, then you can state it in one clear sentence. And the other person can agree or should hopefully come up with an alternative or compromise now that it is clear. Just remember why you love him so much :) Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008

My posts never including spaces/formatting/etc...and I'm getting too lazy to fix it !!!



Dee

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Even though I deleted my post, I will try to respond.  I don't normally vent on here, and now I know why.  PMS got the best of me on Friday, so I thought it best to just delete rather than reply.  This is the Debt Support Board, correct? 

I talked to a girlfriend who is actully not unlike my DH when it comes to money.  But on the same token she can relate to how I felt after the conversation, also. 

He says its not about the money. 

After talking to my GF, she told me that there is a very real possibility he may never quite "get" what I was trying to say.  We both bring assets and strengths to the marriage.  Some monetary, some not.  Like my GF said, it is because of me (he moved into my house over 7 years ago) that we are home owners and it would be difficult at best for us to buy a house today.  Things like that he doesn't seem to see the value in.  That is where my frustration lies.  He tells me how much he appreciates what I do for his business, etc. etc., but when the topic of monthly living expenses comes up, he doesn't seem to see the value.  I hope that makes sense. 

He took me out to eat last night after I failed a math test.  Cry  And we had a really good talk about a lot of things.  School, my home business, etc. etc.  We got so caught up in conversation we forget to go to the desert bar!  I never forget about desert. 

Before we got married in June, I told him I am not going to live my life in fear of him leaving and rather than plan out of fear, I wanted us to plan together for our future.  If one of us passes, if either or both of us can't work, and retirement.  And he agreed.

At work, so better get going.  He is an amazing man, and I know we'll work through this.

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2012
Serenity, I didn't see your original post, but wanted to say that I'm happy to hear you and your DH had a good talk. Those cleansing conversations where you forget the dessert bar are so good to have now and then. And I love your perspective about not planning out of fear. A good note for all of us on our second marriages. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-1999

Serenity that is awesome.  I'm so glad you guys were able to talk!

Best of Luck to you guys

cindylee

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2008

I didn't see the original post either, but it is great that you two talked.  Don't harp on it too much, but maybe set one night a week to discuss finances, plans, etc.  

Some times we dwell on things more than we should.  Just remember, "for better or worse".

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008

Oh my gosh. I so get this. I have written big long posts and deleted too. I know where you are coming from. 

Of course I am still going to reply! We are thinking of you!!

Just going from the title.....sometimes boys don't want to talk about spending less or saving when we girls have debt. I often wonder what his attitude would be if he saw your 14g cc go down? Would his attitude take a 180? Something to think about. Keep up your communication. That will only help. Throw out different scenerios and see what happens. What would you think and feel if I did this....

I think you know you need to make more money. Have you done the math with being done school. Will you make more money? Things will be changing soon in your world with how old your daughter is anyway. I know you like to have more time with her still in school but teens are different and maybe she can help around the house more so it will seem like you are there more. I know I like my teens to do more around the house to have things neater/clearner but don't want to give them more allowance lol. so that is a catch 22. 

You are going to figure this out. Still I have to say...its time to chip away at that 14gs. Probably for you more than anything. What have you got to lose? It will make a huge difference in your mind set and proabably your husbands.

Take care! You know I come from a good place!

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