Help! Advice please..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Help! Advice please..........
13
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 3:05pm

DBF suggested this morning that we should think about giving up Bailey. Naturally, I was beyond stunned.... but he said Bailey is making Tasha miserable. She runs from him, yowls and hisses at him every time he comes near her, and she tries to scoot into our bedroom all the time now just to get away from him.

I was reeling. He sprung this on me this morning, while we were on our way to work! Of course I started to bawl, and I continued to do so all the way to work. He tried to console me, by saying it was "just something to think about", and to "not get upset yet" (yeah right!!!!!), but it was no use. I seriously considered going straight back home and not even going in to work, but I did (I kept my head down and tried very hard not to look at anyone lest they see what a mess my face was). I've been going into the bathroom every hour or so and crying. If anyone asks about my eyes I'm going to tell them it's allergies.

I'm so upset right now I can barely think. Am I being selfish??? Am I putting unnecessary strain and stress on poor Tasha, in holding out hope that she will eventually just love him? They've shown promise before, but it seems to be just in fleeting moments now. Would Bailey indeed be better off in a new home? I just can't imagine giving him up.... I've always hated hearing about people who give up their pets, waving it off with a "we just thought we'd try it out" attitude. But sometimes you just have to do what's best for everyone..... I don't know what to do. I feel sick....




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Edited 7/22/2005 3:15 pm ET ET by unicorn21


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 5:43pm
I have 4 living with me that don't get along. Basically, everybody has their own territory. When somebody goes where they aren't supposed to be they get growled out and maybe eventually swatted at. We have an out and out fight maybe every two to three months. I wouldn't be in a hurry to give anyone away.
Melissa
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Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 5:44pm

{{{{Unicorn}}}} I'm sorry that Bailey is being a stinker right now and you are even thinking about finding him a new home.


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Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 6:18pm

Since we moved, we don't have the extra bedroom for him anymore. He stays out with Tasha all the time now. Also, he's not neutered yet, he's not quite 4 months old so he still has another 2 months to go.

My DBF didn't put his foot down or anything, he said it was "something to think about, we don't necessarily have to do it". I think he was actually surprised that that statement upset me so much. He looked positively alarmed when I started crying (we've been together over 3 years, and I think I've cried in front of him once). He says he doesn't want to give Bailey up, that he's attached to him too, but he's just concerned about Tasha's well-being.

I'm going to do my best to convince him that Bailey needs more time to settle down. He's a kitten - kittens play, and they are also very good at testing boundaries. But they aren't kittens forever.

I'm going to take your suggestion about the fishing pole toy. I bought him one earlier this week, but I've been saving it for before-bed play sessions, hoping it would calm him at night at least. It's a feather thing on a wire, and he loves it. I know it would distract him from Tasha no problem. The only thing is, I can't spend my every waking, non-working moment playing with him. But hopefully it will at least help.




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Registered: 08-28-2003
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 6:34pm

Your Tasha looks like our Tristram--both very beautiful girls. Having 3 cats, my cat Zoey growls, hisses at the other 2 cats all of the time. She thinks she the Queen cat around here. No I won't give her up nor the other 2 cats. Has Bailey been fixed yet? Maybe that would settle him down alittle?

Sam

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Registered: 10-26-2000
Fri, 07-22-2005 - 6:58pm

Wow, I'm sorry to hear that Bailey is still driving Tasha crazy. I know how upset you must have been when you DBF suggested that you should think about this as we get attached so quickly. I can't imagine my life without my boys! Tasha no doubt is feeling stress from the situation and I can see where your DBF is coming from too as she was your "only furkid" for a while, correct?

The unfortunate reality is that sometimes some cats are better off as only cats. I don't know that to be the case in this situation but just know that sometimes that is the case. If I were you I would start by buying or checking out at the library Pam Johnson Bennett's book called Cat VS Cat which is all about how to keep the peace in a multi-cat home.

With cat's being so territorial it's important in a multi-cat home to increase the territory so that Tasha feels that she can have her own space. You can do this easily by getting a large multi-level cat tree. Just in my small living/dining area I have a large multi-level cat tree and a cat condo and another cat tree in my bedroom upstairs. Or you can try window perches, tunnels any numbers of ways to add more territory.

I would also suggest using a variety of interactive toys with both of them in separate play sessions. Start out with 2 15 minutes sessions per cat a day. I know that seems like a lot but it's really only an hour total. The reason I say to keep them separate as Bailey is likely to get so rambunctious that Tasha may be intimidated and not play. Or if they both go after the toy at the same time it may just increase the stress not alleviate it. For both of them it's an excellent stress reducer plus a great way for them to bond to you and right now Tasha may need that more than Bailey. I would probably alternate and in the morning you play with Bailey and your DBF conducts the session with Tasha and then switch in the evening. That way everyone gets a shot at "Mom and Dad" so to speak.

I've attached at link as a refresher for the interactive play sessions below.
http://home.ivillage.com/pets/cats/0,,mj31,00.html

I would give this a little more time and try adding more territory and see what happens. Far be it from me though to say that for sure it will work out as Tasha may just be one of those cats that really doesn't like the companionship of another cat around but I wouldn't give up just yet.

Good luck,

Lynn

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 07-23-2005 - 1:02pm

Hi, I just popped by so I don't know too much about your history on all this but I was a frequent poster to the TLAC's board when my 2 males were fighting. That board really helped me out. nat_gal probably has old references for you as well. Or you could read Pam Johnson-Bennett's book Cat vs Cat.


Anyway my 2 brothers were bossom buddies for 4yrs then all of a sudden were at each other's throats! I thought I had to give one up as well but the TLAC board helped me work with them. For me it took 4 months. I separated them & slowly worked at re-intro techniques that Pam suggests. It's been 2 years, & they have occassional flare ups now, but I know how to handle it now and they are basically great.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 8:41am

Lynn suggested everything I would have.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 10:36am

I agree with Rena that the cats need to be apart sometimes so that Tasha gets a break, and that even a spell in the bathroom would do if there's no other space. Does your bedroom have a door (or can you put one up if it doesn't?) If so, one cat could stay in the bedroom at times and the other in the rest of the house. Having some cat trees will also help create territory.

Cynthia

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Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 1:01pm

Thank you for the replies everyone. I may have over-reacted a little, and taken DBF's comment a little too literally (but who can blame me, right?). I believe he said it in a moment of annoyance, and didn't really mean it 100%. I had a flashback to all the pets my dad got rid of when I was a kid and completely panicked.

I've been taking everyone's suggestions, and we had a relatively calm weekend. Whenever Bailey went after Tasha, I tossed a ball at him or distracted him with a fishing pole toy. It worked probably 90% of the time. If he gets REALLY high-strung, we lock him in the bathroom for about 15 minutes, sort of a kitty "time out", and he nearly always comes out much calmer (at which point he gets a treat and a reassuring "good boy").

I'm going to buy a cat tree (even though we don't really have room), because I know Bailey would love it. We bought one for Tasha when we got her, but she wasn't interested at all so we ended up giving it to a friend.

Tasha is perfectly fine with him, unless he is bothering her. She will sit or lie down quite peacefully whithin inches of him. She is not showing signs of distress - she was relaxing on her back in the middle of the living room floor last night while we watched tv - clearly a sign that she is still being her normal self.

I think things are going to be fine. I hope...!




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Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 07-25-2005 - 6:04pm

I'm glad to hear things are working for you, Tasha and Bailey. Kittens can be rotten sometimes and need to be


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