The greatest Wish ever made

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2012
The greatest Wish ever made
2
Thu, 06-07-2012 - 9:57pm

Was made by angels, and given me for 18 years.  The most beautiful dog I've ever known, gentle inside and out, with deep soul in her eyes.  I lost her last night.  A whippet my mom found running down the middle of the road when she was just weeks old.  She chose me as her person, and my presence was a light to her, and hers to me.  She was born with a severe heart murmur, but lived an exceedingly sound and athletic life until about a month ago when she contracted Lymphoma.  I took her for chemo but we never got full remission.  The last time I saw my beautiful Wish (Wishbone) she was working so hard to breathe.  She was in an oxygen tank hooked up to a central line with IV drips and other medicines to help her.  The vet administered a "rescue" chemo that should work within 1-3 days but she couldn't hold on that long.  I sat on the bench in that waiting room for almost a full day, the vets and technicians all knew I would not leave.  That's why I was so dismayed when they did not bring me back until she had already passed.  They were doing CPR on her.  I didn't get to hold her while she died, didn't get to give her the voice that she knew 18 years as a comfort, couldn't do anything.  She was already gone when I got to her.  I hope so much that she didn't think I had just left her to die.  I remember the last time I had visited with her, it was brief because I didnt want to mess up her oxygen since they had to open the window for me to pet her.  When I went to walk away, even though she was an hour away from death and she was so weak, she raised her beautiful little head and gave me those eyes asking me not to go.  I went back to her tank and petted her for a few moments more before I left.  I wish to god I had never left right then, but I was just trying to do the best I could for her by making sure she had her oxygen.  I know now that she needed me more than the oxygen, because the oxygen didn't save her.  I'm having a terrible time because I know she was asking me not to go, and I left her, and she died without me.  I don't know if I should have asked them to euthanize her, but there was a chance she could make it and I had to give her that chance because I've seen her pull through some amazing things.  I know she wanted to stay with me, but her body betrayed her.  I struggle with her dying without me, when I could have been with her but chose not to.  I struggle with, should I have put her down, since she spent her last day in a hospital with a bunch of tubes and strangers instead of spending it with me, and then falling to eternal sleep while I petted her and said her name.  There just was no way for me to know, the vets did say she could pass and she was extremely critical but the blood work also showed some response to their treatment and they said if she could hang on until the chemo kicked in she might get some more time.  I just really hate it, I hate it so much.  I don't care about me.  I hate it for her.  I don't know if dogs have spirits but I asked her spirit to walk with me while I walked home yesterday after she had passed.  I was holding her collar and leash.  This wasn't just any dog, it was a Wish made by angels, and I hope they held her and comforted her in her time of passing, and whispered to her that I love her and always will.  You know how people who have died and come back say they had flash backs?  I hope she had flash backs of me while she was passing.  So that even though I wasn't there, I hope she saw me, and heard me, and felt me in her last moments.  I don't know where she is right now, or if she can see me or be with me.  I don't know what to do.  I want to help her, or communicate with her to tell her how sorry I am and how much I miss her, but most of all just to give her my company again, because that is what she loved more than anything.

Community Leader
Registered: 04-19-2008
Sun, 06-10-2012 - 2:12pm

{{{Wishbone's Mom}}}  I must admit, when I first read your heartbreaking post, I had to step away from my computer.  I am in tears over your heartbreaking loss .... as well as the amazingly wonderful life you shared with your beloved ^Wish^.  (with her beautiful new angel ^wings^)   Oh wiishes, my heart just breaks for you.  Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss.  From your beautiful story of love, it's easy to know sweet ^Wishbone^ is, and will always be, forever loved.

In all honesty, there is nothing / anyone can say to ease your unbearable heartache.  Your heart has been ripped to shreds, and I know you feel like your world has come to an end.  {{{hugs}}}  Please, please know that absolutely everything you are thinking and feeling right now, is completely normal .... for a broken hearted bridgemom.

Like you are doing right now, I beat myself up over the way my ^Whisp^ and then my ^Wonder^ earned their ^wings^.  :smileysad:  I truly believed that if it was possible to die from a broken heart, surely I would have.  And yes, I wanted to, so I could be with my beloved's again.  But, over the years I've come to discover a few things.  (my ^Whisp^ has been at the Bridge for 14 years now, this coming Tuesday)  First, (surprisingly) I did survive ... and our beloved's are still with us, just in a different way.  Like Einstein says, "Energy (love) never ends, it just takes on a different form."  Your beloved ^Wish^ is there, I promise.  (my ^Whisper^ has contacted me many times ..... I call those messages, "bridgekisses")  If you'd like to read the story my ^Whisp^ sent me, please visit:  http://bridgemom.tripod.com/BridgeKiss101.html

Oh ^Wishbone's^ Mom ..... I know your heart can't grasp anything right now, but if it helps, I truly believe your beloved's spirit had already crossed over, long before her body went into distress.  In fact, I believe she was with you, as the staff was working to bring her body back.  {{{hugs}}}  She knew you were there ...... her focus, before her sweet spirit crossed over, was comforting the Mom she loves with all her heart.  {{{hugs}}}  I like to think of her passing like a car and it's driver.  Your precious ^Wish's^ body (the car) was tired, so her spirit (the driver) needed to move on to a different level.   She is there wiishes, talk with her ... she will hear you.  {{{gentle hugs}}}

I hope you'll be able to stay with us and let us know how you are doing.  This journey towards healing is such a long and painful process.  We all just have to take it one horrible day at a time.  But please know that we'll always be here for you, just as all our furangels are now with ^Wishbone^ at the Rainbow Bridge.

Once again, please accept my sincere sympathy for your sweet ^Wish^ being returned to the angels.  The earth certainly became a little less loving, the day she earned her wings.

 

With my heart,