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|Wed, 12-04-2013 - 8:24pm|
Yesterday I lost my best friend. She was a Maine Coon mix who picked me at the local animal shelter when I was 13 years old. After over 18 years, it's safe to say she was with me through every pretty much every milestone in my life; she was my constant companion and the best friend you could ever ask for. She turned 19 last month...she's been steadily declining over the past few years, but still had been happy. I know she was in pain and she was sleeping a lot, but I didn't really think she was suffering as she was still eating and purring. She'd still greet me, although sometimes she would not actually get up to do so, but instead would just give a "meow" from the couch. I know cats are stoic and I know that sometimes humans allow the pets to decline too far, because they just don't see that their pet is suffering. I do not think she was suffering, but I had asked my boyfriend and some close friends to please tell us if they thought it was time and we were not seeing it.
I knew she wasn't quite herself, but had been chalking it up to old age, but yesterday we discovered that she had some sort of tumor that she had opened up. She cried out in pain when I went to pick her up to cuddle her. I suspected it was time...I got my boyfriend home and we did some tests: would she eat, how was her walking, would she play. She was ok..but just ok. And it was clear that all she really wanted to do was lay back down. Except she couldn't get comfortable. We know we made the right decision, but it is just so hard. I am filled with guilt...I should have cherished her more, I should have done this, what if that.... What if we did it too soon? I am driving myself crazy with it. She's already gone, she was clearly in pain and clearly must have been suffering. I just don't know how to cope with this. She was my first pet, my best friend and she was always there to greet me. Today the house feels so empty without her. I have other pets, but they are independent (a bird and an anti-social cat) and it is just so, so sad to come home and not have her here. I just don't know what to do with myself and it hurts so bad.
Forgive me for rambling, but I just needed to vent I guess. I've never had much loss in my own life, fortunately, but I had worked in a veterinarian's office, so I never thought it would be this difficult since I had seen it so often. It is just soooo different on this side. Plus, I've been going through a lot of other drama in my life too so this just makes it all the more difficult.
I want so badly to believe in the Rainbow bridge. I really hope it is true and she is up there someplace, no longer in pain and happy that I gave her relief from her pain.