how do i deal with my overbearing friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
how do i deal with my overbearing friend
10
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 11:50am
SORRY THIS IS REALLY LONG, BUT DRAMA FILLED!

so i have this friend named wendy. she has 4 kids, (ages 13,9,7,5)she is 38, and desperately wants another but her body just won't cooperate. she has been trying for like 2 years and has had a m/c in the process, so her hubby said he wants to call it quits on trying to get pg.

when i had my dd back in 2001, well actually when i found out i was pg, she suddenly became my best friend. she insisted that i call her as soon as labor started, and after the baby was born she came to the hospital. i didn't really mind that.

but THEN... she called me like everyday, either just to talk (for like 2 hours) or dropping hints that she wanted to come over. one time when dd was about 10 days old she even had her husband call me and tell me that she was having a bad day and she really needed to get out of the house, so can she come over. mind you it was like 7:00 already and she came over, wanted to give my dd a bath, which i didn't really mind, since i needed the break, but then once i got dd to sleep FINALLY around 10:30, i desperately wanted to go to bed and i kept trying to hint around that i was really tired. she totally ignored my hints (she's that type of person) and stayed till 1:30am!!! and was crying when she left because she wanted a little baby and knew that her dh didn't, and blah blah blah....

well when i found out i was pg this time, she started calling me every single day again. she always wants to come over my house, but i know that when she comes, she brings all 4 of her own kids (who are home-schooled, so they're always home) plus a little girl she babysits. That's 5 KIDS!!! and when they come over they expect to be entertained. they ask for food and hot chocolate and candy and all kinds of crap. and when your pg you do not feel like dealing with other people's 5 kids, especially when you know they will be there for hours and hours. she stays at least until my dh comes in the door from work around 5:30. then if i try to say i need to start dinner, she'll say something like "don't cook, we can order pizza's and have dinner together!" AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

so because of this i just don't bother answering the phone when she calls or return her messages. that's caused a whole other problem now. she just comes over, doesn't call first. she'll show up at my door with all her kids and ring the doorbell and knock like 50 times and even call my house on her cell phone from the car like 3 times. once she even tried to open my door. psycho!

i don't feel bad not answering the door because i feel as though it's very rude what she is doing, so why sould i?

she also is already making plans for this baby. she's talking about how she is going to come over and "keep me company" all the time and make us dinner and bring it over. i really dont' want any of that. i just can't stand having her here all the time or feeling like i am always having to "report" to her by calling her back or having her over all the time.

i have tried dropping hints and she just doesn't *WANT* to get it. there's no way she's that dumb that she doesn't get what i'm trying to tell her sometimes.

and she's VERY easily hurt so i don't want to have to tell her outright "LEAVE ME ALONE!!" becuase then she'll go into this major depression and blame it all on me. which i know it isn't my fault but i just don't want to deal with her crap.

thank you to anyone who is still reading this! can you please give me advice?

nicole

2-15-04

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 12:24pm
boy.. I would have gone beserk by now... you know what... you have your life to live.. you don't have all the time in the world to entertain her and deal with her and the 5 kids she brings along. the next time she's at your door, open it, but don't let her in.. block the doorway and say, you know, i'm really busy now and have a bunch of things to take care of (if she asks what, none of her business and i'd say, sorry .. nothing i'd like to discuss). if you don't mind, can we get together some other time. you need to keep coming up with stuff to say you're busy and can't get together with her. and if she'sin your house and not leaving.. well its your house.. if she says, lets just order pizza.. say sorry.. we had that yesterday and i'd like to spend some family time.. so if you don't mind, can we end this evening/afternoon/morning right now and meet some other day. i'd like to get on with dinner and other chores... if she gets depressed, there is nothing you can do.. if the situation is that bad, she needs to see a doc and get on some meds... put your foot down... or else you're just going to get more frustrated and things will get further out of hand...

good luck.. hope all works out.. and stay smiling =)

Aarti. (EDD - 2/26, #1)

Avatar for carolbc2003
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 12:36pm
Yes, here is my advice: Tell her "LEAVE ME ALONE." This woman does sound a bit psycho. The next thing I expect to hear is that she has run off with your new baby -- because she wants one soooooo badly! You are not responsible for this woman's mental state. And she is obviously adding nothing to your life but aggravation. If the "hints" aren't working, then I think you need to step it up and make it very, very plain that you just don't want her hanging around anymore. Her behavior is really over the top and I would worry about having her around my kids.

Just my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 12:37pm
Awe you poor thing thats so funny!!!!

I have a friend kinda like that. I don't want to be her friend and I never call but she still calls me. So annying and knows everything and has absolutly no integrity or class. I honestly don't want my childern to have to know her childern. Her kids are always sick, they are never in school, they are badly behaved. I have said wow they sure are sick lots, NO, not really.. Oh OK you are in the Emerg once every 2 weeks for something or another.

She doesn't come around much cause she is always at home, doing nothing but gossiping about her wonderful MIL or other fine people. I have tried avoiding her. I never call or come around, but she still seems to be around. I know what you mean. She'll call and the first thing, "How was your drs app"? She even talks tomy Dr about me when she sees him uptown. GET LOST!!!!

She has advice for everything, but knows nothing.

I think in your case you will just have to tell her that you are tired and you don't want any one over!! Be asertive. You can't beat around the bush with these people.

get your Husband to answer the phone and tell her that you want some quiet. I have found using my DH helps. My DH said I need to rest, or he said he doesn't want me to go anywhere, no one at the house today.. ETC.

Good luck

I know what you mean.

I would be so agitated to have 5 more people in my place...

I can't handle my own 2 and this baby in here....

# 3 in 2.5 weeks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-04-2004 - 1:14pm
She is using you for entertainment. You can tell her that you are really tired, and do not want any company until a few weeks after the baby. As for her bringing along the whole troop, you can tell her that the food budget is tight, so if she has to bring them along, could they please bring snacks and age-appropriate toys.

Lastly, I know I don't want any kids around the new baby for a while. I have a 3.5 yr-old so it will be harder, but I can still control WHO goes near my baby with its immature immune system.

Good luck.

K.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 1:33pm
just bumping for more replies:)
Avatar for britlitgal
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 2:41pm
yikes, girl, my advice to you is BE FIRM. not mean, not excessively cruel (as satisfying as it might be), just FIRM.

you sound like me: a general people-pleaser who doesn't like to offend, stir the pot, hurt other people's feelings, etc. i can tell you from experience with 2 "psycho friends," however, that you must take action NOW before the baby is born and things get worse!

1. the next time she calls or comes over tell her that you are uncomfortable with the invasiveness of her frequent visits/calls and that you do not want to continue this relationship (don't call it a "friendship" or she'll read into it!!).

2. don't apologize for what you say or she'll find a way to weasel herself back in to your life. then just say you have to go, and shut the door or hang up the phone.

now i can tell you that she (of course) will not be satisfied with this and will probably call you back or come around again in the throes of some hysterical drama-queen breakdown. again, be firm and tell her exactly what you told her before. say there is nothing to talk about, you do not want to continue the relationship, and please do not call or visit again.

**MOST IMPORTANTLY: tell DH everything and MAKE SURE he backs you up if he answers the door/phone (have him say the same thing--"my wife told you that she does not want you to call and visit. please don't call here/visit again."

this is not cruel, this is getting this woman out of your life to save your own sanity. this is the only approach that has worked with me and my 2 "psycho friends" who did exactly the same kinds of things this woman does, and then some. i really hope this works for you--take a deep breath and take the plunge, girl. you owe it to yourself. it isn't easy by any means, but you can do it.

heather

induction 2.18.04

#3

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 3:21pm
I had a situation like that too about a year ago. I wasn't pregnant when it all came down but was still very annoying. A friend would call me up to 10 X a day - not an exageration. I felt too wimpy to confront her about it directly so I did the avoidance thing too which only made her very emotional. I talked to my husband about it and how I felt too wimpy to confront, so he told her husband (our husbands are friends too) and her husband had a talk with her. After that, she called and apologized and I told her I was sorry I was too wimpy to confront her myself but yes, she was getting on my nerves. Once all that was out in the open, we've never been better friends. I'm grateful for her friendship and have vowed to myself to get up the guts and let people know when they're getting too pushy.

Good Luck! I totally feel for you.

Kirsten

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 4:00pm
This is definitely a difficult situation, that I think most people can relate to at some time or another. You need to draw boundaries... and let her know that your family and you just need more alone time... and stand by your word. It doesn't seem like you'll have problems with this seeing that you aren't allowing her to guilt you into feeling bad... but just be honest, even if it will seem hurtful, if you must-- tell her you feel used because of her need to have another baby. Is there something wrong with this woman emotionally? maybe she needs therapy, or a support group, along with her own hobby. If you really care about her try to talk to her about different options and possibilities of how she can make herself happy. Utimately though, you must take care of yourself and your family first, not hers...

Good luck...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 7:06pm
Wow, this lady is a mess. She is using you because you have babies around and that is what she desparately wants right now is babies. but she can not have another baby right now and probably will not have another one unless it suddenly happens and her DH agrees to it...so she is taking advantage by trying to live through you while you are having a baby.

It is good that you are ignoring her calls and not returning calls and not answering the door but I think you may want to talk with her DH in all honesty. And not only that but you should confront her about it. I would not confront her necessarily when she is at your home though...If you can confront her it needs to be just you and her, not with her kids not with your kids, just you and her and say "look, I know that you are having a hard time dealing with the fact that you may not have another baby due to DH or whatever the reason but you need some help with this depression you have about it, because right now it is really affected OUR friendship in ways that maybe you are not seeing" If she gets all uptight about it, which she will, then you may also want to talk with her DH about it too to see if he can get her to get some help.

This happened with me..I was not as psycho about it though, but My friend is very fertile and I have unexplained infertility. I am pregnant with my 4th pregnancy but first child that I had to go through IVF to have - now of course I knew that I would have a baby I always knew that in my heart but it was getting close to me after 5 years of TTC, and fertility specialists, drugs and all the like to thinking maybe this was not going to happen afterall....At first I was OBSESSED with it....I did not think that i was being obsessed with wanting a baby but I WAS, my friend told me and so did my DH as a matter of fact, my friend and my DH talked about it and confronted me together on it...I was IRATE with both of them I could not believe what they were telling me, but then later on I realized that they were not saying that to be mean, they truly cared about me and were worried about my Obsession with wanting to do whatever it took to have a child...This was after year #2 but what I had hope with was that we were getting pregnant...NOw of course, DH is super excited about having a baby and he even said to me that all this pain and nonsense was totally worth it but at the time it was tough!!

It was hard to hear of all these other people and friends and family getting pregnant my first year of trying and nothing was happening for us. Then by the 3rd year with everyone pregnant with their second and nothing happening for us after 2 m/c's...and then the 4th year when IVF worked (after 2nd try) but then for me to go through an m/c after 3 months of being pregnant - At that point I was devastated and so depressed I went on medication....THAT helped A TON!! I wish I went on it after the first m/c rather than waiting as long as I did....I would have been more realistic about things if I had gone on it...

Now, I never really used my friends or family and their pregnancies to make me feel better because it really did not make me feel better...I was still happy for them and It gave me something to do, and I would visit my friend from time to time and hold her baby which made me happy - but it was not ever going to make me feel like my life was fulfilled and it seems like this friend of yours is TRYING to do that, make herself feel Fulfilled by Spending every waking and sleeping hour coddling your babies because that is what she wants...She has some severe issues and possible she is trying to run away from them because you have what she wants....This is way wrong....her DH needs to be aware of this too but I am sure he is just trying to avoid fights with her...but he needs to take control and get her some help as I am sure her marriage is not very good if she is THIS obsessed with wanting a baby when her spouse does not!!

She should be thankful for the 4 kids she does have, and maybe she should think about babysitting for a newborn if that is what would make her feel better...I mean she is already watching another young kid so what is the harm in taking on a new baby if that is what would make her feel better?? I am surprised with the home schooling that she even has the time to come over to your house and invade your space so much...Does she just take on the home schooling at your home too??

Anyway, being firm is one thing but no matter what you do or what you say to her, it will not be easy, she will be upset and she will be mad at you and probably blame you for her depression....YOU have to be the strong one and realize that her being angry is her processing the information she has been told - She will realize in the end that she was being wrong and if not, then it is best that the relationship end as you do not need that kind of stress on you or your family...I would also feel that she or someone talk with her DH about that too to help her get back on her feet....She is WAY obsessed and it is taking a toll on you...

I am sorry that this is happening but you have to be strong and tell her like it is...you will have to turn her away if she just pops by eventually...even if it means you answer the door with the chain on the door and say "I am sorry but I am not really wanting visitors today I will call you later on but thanks for stopping by" especially after that baby is born because if she is as overbearing as you say, then it may be best you and your DH not call her when you have it or you can call her but explain that you do not want any visitors PERIOD...and that if she were to just come you would look to turn her away....she will be mad, but you have to say it...

When my friend had her 3rd baby, I was a little annoyed that she did not call me to tell me when she had him...Later I discovered that she did call and leave a message but that my DH accidentally deleted the message and forgot to tell me. It was not until 2 weeks later that I was telling DH how I wondered if my friend had her baby already as she is always early that he said "oh, sorry she did call and leave a message, I accidentally deleted it and forgot all about it" Now I never did call my friend and give her a hard time or anything prior to DH telling me about the message...But I did call her right away and say to her that we got the message and sorry I had not called DH got it and forgot to tell me...I had to ask her for all the details again because he had forgotten them....I felt pretty terrible for even being upset - even though I did not tell her I was upset because it really was not even her fault!! I know kind of a silly story but my point is that your friend needs help...whether it is therapy, counseling, sitting down and discussing her feelings with her DH or even anti-depressants she needs help and you need to get away from that right now!!

Good luck to you and I hope that you get the strength and courage to be a good friend by telling her how it is and that she needs help...Do also tell your DH about how things are going and what plans you have to do so that he is there to help if need be!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-06-2004 - 7:28pm
I was thinking about your post and thinking about what I would say while I was doing

something else and I came up with a couple of things...

Now first of all.. I want you to think what the real problem is. Do you not like her?

Do you not want her to come over? Do you ever enjoy her company or do you always just

wish she'd go away and never come back? The reason why I ask this is because what you

feel is the most important part in figuring out what to do and what the right thing to

do would be.

I'm sure you feel burdened by her children and don't really have the energy or even the

willingness to take care of her kids when she's at your house. If that were the only

problem then it wouldn't be too hard to fix. All you'd need to do is to just talk to her

and say.. Hey, I'm pregnant, I need to rest. When you bring your kids with you, please

don't make me be their servant. Just make sure that you either bring them their snacks

with them or if you don't mind them drinking your hot chocolate or other treats then

have someone else make it and only on the one condition that they clean it up afterwards.

Also if the problem is with the frequency of her visits and not really the fact that she

does visit, you can also tell her that you feel like you need some time alone or would

just prefer to kinda get ready on your own and don't really like to be around anyone.

Pregnant women get that way.

Hinting is more rude than talking straight. Saying what you think in a non-bad-attitude

manner takes more humility and maturity but hinting... That's not the way to go. Hinting

is also another way to hint that the other person is just kind of a little stupid. Even

if you did think that, you don't want anything to imply that.. Especially if you want to

do things right and be in the right and not have anything to apologize about afterwards.

Hinting creates even more awkwardness in the atmosphere than just saying what you think.

I mean you don't have to tell her I really don't like you to make her understand you

need time to yourself. Just be truthful and make it sound nice. Don't apologize over

wanting to just spend time alone. And it's true. Not everything can you say. I mean

when you have someone over I still to this day have not figured out a polite way to

ask my friends to leave. The most I would hint in that case is to say okay I'm really

tired I'm going to go to bed.. If she wants to stay at your house (now that would be

weird) even after that then I don't know what to do. But saying you're going to bed

I think you really have to be kind of stupid to not understand that hint.

And not answering your phone or door is fine. If you don't feel like you can handle having

someone over right then and she just isn't getting it.. I honestly don't know how to

tell anyone w/o hurting their feelings to not come over to my house. I haven't really

had to do that either. If she asks if she can come over you can say yes but can you

just come alone (w/o the kids).. And that way she'd have to make an arrangement.. Maybe

wait until he DH has come home before she can come over. Or something else..

Just so that you know, I don't consider her coming over to your house being rude. Whether

she called or not. It's not rude. Maybe in some other cultures but as far as I'm aware,

in the american culture when you're friends you can come over to each others house w/o

calling. What it is is inconsiderate but not rude. Rude to me is doing something w/o

caring how the other person feels (and if that was the case then you'd have more than a

reason to tell her you know what you really need to be more considerate...).. I really

don't think that she does this on purpose knowing you don't like it. Either you're not

hinting very good or she's just not getting it. Maybe a little bit of both because you're

too worried to hurt her feelings. But again.. Talk to her. If she is selfish and goes into

some deep depression over you just telling her something honestly then I don't know what

to do.. I just don't think that would happen if you do it right..

Don't say anything you think or feel because a lot of it could be just pregnancy induced

feelings and you don't want to be all emotional. It doesn't have to be as big of a deal

as it seems to be. But by not really doing anything about it you are making it worse

because it's quite apparent that she's not understanding what's up..

I promise everything will be just fine if you just carefully sit down and consider what

the things are that REALLY REALLY bug you and that you know that she really should change.

And then figure out a nice way to say it. If it's her bringing her kids then say don't

bring your kids.. If it's her staying too late then say sure come over but you can only

stay so late because when DH comes home I want to spend time with him. Just say whatever

is true. Don't come up with lame excuses like DH doesn't want anyone here when he comes

home etc. Just say how you feel. You have to.. Sooner or later.. And if you don't say

it now then you'll say it in a very rude way if you guys ever get into an argument and

you might hurt relationship for good..

So yeah anyways.. here's a couple thoughts and I hope it helps you out. I hope I don't

sound too rude because I'm not trying to be rude or even critical. I most sincerily just

want to try to help you with this and hopefully you can get some peace of mind after it's

all settled.

Stina EDD 2/10 With #2