Family conflict

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2001
Family conflict
1
Fri, 07-11-2014 - 12:18pm

 My husband and I have been married for 6 years, we both have children, me 2 (18 & 26) and him 3 (22, 14 & 12).  The 18 year old (only girl) lives at home and is leaving for college in August. My husband adopted her when she was 16.

Now....we have had problems in our marriage, my husband drinks excessively to deal with issues from his childhood, refusing to get help because, quote "no one can help him". He has had 2 couseling sessions since we have been together and thats it. The drinking was not an issue at the beginning, but has grown and grown and grown util its an everyday, missing work, fighting all the time, type of thing. He thinks I should just leave him be and let him deal this way. In the mean time, we have no marriage, we do nothing together, seems like he could care less anymore, etc. He claims I am not attracted to him and wont have sex. I am sorry but a drunk does not do anything for me.

The other night this all came to a head and I had just had it. I told him he had to pick, alcohol or me. I told him he had to go, I couldnt do this anymore, I cant fix him, and he needs serious help. Of course this lead to a huge fight and in his drunken stupor he starts going on and on about all kinds of stuff even unrelated to the subject and wont shut the hell up and drop anything. He is ALWAYS right and everyone else is always wrong. My daughter has heard this many, many times and this night was not an exception.

The next day her and I talked and I told her I couldnt do it anymore and that I called for couseling for myself, I cried and she cried. Later she texted my husband and pretty much told him what she thought about his drinking and what he is doing to me and how it makes her sick he is hurting me and he needs help. So last night after we talked and he agreed to help, he brings this up and says she has no business in the middle of us. He thinks she should appologize, she said hell no she isnt. I told him she was sticking up for her mom because she knew I was hurt. He went on and on about how she should not have said anything to him etc and when they buttheads Im going to have to choose. I said I will not sit here and be put in the middle of how the both of you feel. He thinks I should side with him because he is my husband and even a couselor will agree that you always side with the husband when it comes to kids. I said she was voicing how she feels, you cant tell her how to feel. He said she is 18 she can leave and I will need to pick. WTF? I am beyond stressed with all this shit.

I think the main problem is he feels the need to be in control of every situation. You cant control peoples feelings no matter what. She feels this way because of what she has seen and heard these years. I will NEVER pick any man over my children ever, I dont care if they are grown and out of the house.

Please, advise here. I just want peace in my life, so tired, very tired of the emotional struggle.

Avatar for cmerin
Administrator
Registered: 01-20-2004
Fri, 07-11-2014 - 1:45pm

Hi!

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. It really sounds like counseling is a good idea. You may want to try posting on our Making a Marriage Work board, or the Problem Solving for Couples board. You may find some BTDT advice.

Good luck to you!

Erin
Community Technical Assistant | Community Moderator
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