My husband cheated & left me. Please, I am new to this and need outside advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2014
My husband cheated & left me. Please, I am new to this and need outside advice!
1
Thu, 02-06-2014 - 3:21pm

Hi, I am currently separated for 8 months from my husband of 7 years (6 yrs married/1 year dated). I found out 9 months ago that my husband has been having an affair with a married woman. He had met her out of town in a bar.  My husband is a power lineman, so he was gone for weeks and sometimes months at a time. At the time that I had found out, the affair had been going on for about 10 months or so. The day that I found out "accidently" by reading a text msg on his phone sent by this woman, he had denied it completely. After, calling this woman (who of course did not answer my call), he finally admitted to meeting someone and they were "just friends". During this emotional and heated discussion, my hand went through and glass window and I was required to go by ambulance and had received several stitiches. He of course, felt terrible and said that he end his relationship with the OW.  At this time he wanted to go to the hospital with me. I refused because he wouldn't call this woman in front of me to end their relationship. When I returned several hours later that day, he said that he called and ended it with her. But, I wanted to believe BUT I couldn't.  For several days after finding about his affair, he apologized profusely and said that he would do anything to save our marriage. He agreed to counseling and so 5 days after finding out about the OW we went.  We met with a pastor and during our meeting my husband showed great remorse. He cried and vowed to both me and the pastor that he was committed to working through all of this.  He said that he was committed to getting through his infedility and agreed that he needed to cut all ties with the OW.  Things "seemed" to be on the right track of BOTH of us being committed on fixing our marriage.  We were intimate once after I had found out about the affair.  But 5 days later, his attitude had changed.  He told me that he was confused and that our marriage was not repairable.  He packed a bag and left.  He said that he needed time and space.

A little history about me......I was married before and have 2 children (14 year old daughter and 12 year old son) from my previous marriage.  My first husband was mentally abusive and he is an alcoholic.  I was pregnant with my daughter and since I am catholic, we did the "right thing" and got married.  We were together for almost 7 years.  I never loved my first husband. After my divorce, I was set on NEVER marrying again.  I went to high school with my husband and he was very good friends with my brother. So when I started dating my husband I had already known him for many years and I thought I knew the type of person that he was. Or so I had thought that I truly knew him. I am 40 years old and my husband is 38.  He has never been married before and has no children. After we were married I had found out that he had been engaged twice and cheated on each of those women.  At the time that we started dating, I was very honest with him and told him that I could not have any more children.  He said that he was ok with that. During our marriage several time I have mentioned how it has bothered me that I couldn't have children with him.  And he has always replied that my kids were his.

Since our separation, my children and I have moved into a new house. My husband has refused repeatedly to go to counseling. He has stated over and over again that he has been unhappy for over 4 years.  The thing is, not once did he bother to mentioned to me just how unhappy he has been. Or ever ask or file for a divorce. Sure we had arguments, like any other married couple.  But, my husband has always held grudges and he never worked a problem out. He has always blamed me for everything.  Just like he has blamed me for his cheating. But, if you were to ask him, it wasn't cheating.  And that's another thing, he has been so dishonest about his cheating. When I found out about his cheating, I was completely shocked.  Because I had no reasons to not trust him.  Him cheating was never a concern or a worry.  He told me that he loved me every time we spoke on the phone and in person. And when he was home everything seemed fine.

About 4 years ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I told him if he wasn't going to be able to handle my illness, then he needed to leave now.  But he said that he would always be here for me.  He had a opportunity then to tell me that he was unhappy and he has had 6 years to speak up.  But he NEVER HAS! He has stated that he has been "trying" to work through his feelings for the past 6 years.  But, how can he have been trying when I wasn't even aware of how he was struggling with his feelings?

He hasn't seen or even spoken to my children in 8 months.  He never has made any attempts to explain to them why he was doing what he did or why he left us all. Both of my kids are devastated, more so my daughter.  She was closer to my husband then her own father.  I ask myself this all the time and I have even asked him, "how can any man just abandon a child or children" without any remorse? And his answer is because he is not their "real" dad.

My husband's reasons for leaving is because he thinks that I treated him like crap, he never thought that I loved him, I spent money, and that I didn't respect him. And he now wants to have children of his own. I never treated him like crap. Did I get upset with him and did I yell at him at times, absolutely. Did I spend money, yes I did. But he has always made me feel that he was deserving but I never was. He worked and I didn't, therefore, he could spend the money how he wanted to.  He makes 6 figures, I don't need to work outside of my home. He said that he never knew that he was going to have to take care of me for the rest of his life?   I have always taken care of everything around the home and have raised my kids.  I loved this man unconditionally and he has been the ONLY man that I have ever loved.  He was my 2nd chance and he has meant everything to me. The things that he hasn't been happy about with me, I have attempted to make an effort in fixing my "flaws". I have admitted my mistakes and have tried to fix them.  But, he will not accept anything that I say and nothing that I have said or done has been good enough.  Like I said, he holds onto grudges and doen't know how to forgive.

Now moving up to the present......A month ago my husband did file for a divorce. And my heart is completely broken. I do not want a divorce from this man. And I shouldn't want to be married to a man who has betrayed me, has betrayed our wedding vows, and has walked out on me and my children. But, I do. As far as the OW goes, he says that they're no longer together. But, I honestly have no clue.  The OW has sent me many ridiculous text messages stating that she's giving my husband everything that I never did and they're in love and together.  And the msg that the most from her was when she had informed me that they're "trying" to get pregnant, since I couldn't give him a child.  And of course my husband denies that.  I am so confused and my heart is broken in pieces.  I have so many unanswered questions and I am completely devastated.  My self worth has been sabatoged and I have been on an emotional roller coaster from hell.  I speak to my husband on the phone once a week, but it is me who initiates any contact. He acts like our marriage and myself has never meant anything to him.  I don't understand how or why he did this to me.  And I don't understand how he "pretended" to be happy.  He led me to believe that everything was ok and that he loved me (he has stated that he is not in love with me anymore). I miss him terribly and wish that he would just give our marriage a chance.  But he refuses to go to counseling.  He told me that "maybe in a year that he will be ready to work it out" and that he feels bad for what he has done and how much he has hurt me. Really???? Doesn't actions speak louder than words? I never had a choice in any of this. And he has treated me as if I am the one who cheated.  I went from being married and having a husband to finding out that my  husband has been having an affair to him wanting to save our marriage and then to him up & leaving me and now getting a divorce.

I would appreciate any advice from anyone who has gone through this. I am confused, scared, and sad.  And I have no idea what I should or should not do. Please help! Thanks

 

Avatar for cmerin
Administrator
Registered: 01-20-2004

Hi there —

I'm sorry you're going through all this. It sounds heartbreaking and exhausting. :( We have a Betrayed Spouses Support board you may want to repost this to. I'm sure there will be one if not more people who can give you some BTDT advice as well as offer a ton of support.

I wish you all the best,

Erin
Community Technical Assistant | Community Moderator
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