Is She My Friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2013
Is She My Friend?
Wed, 12-11-2013 - 6:02pm

Hi. I'm new to this forum. Here is my story. I'll let you decide if I'm being used,

              Back last Nov 2012 my neighbor asked me how much I would want to take care of her mother at night. Her mother is 92. I work in the field. I knew she was very low on money so I said $30 per night. It entailed leading her to the commode and walking away until shes done, then escort her back with her walker. I knew Joanne from mowing her mother's lawn. Well it was working fine. This past spring Joanna asked me if I'd want to walk with her. I said fine. We walked and became close so I thought. She would say things like "I will travel to see you after we sell my house and she would call me daily" as she did here. I plan on moving to another state as well. She continued to say possiblr borderline romantic statements over time. Once she pointed at a house and said "Look theres our house" as we drove along. She would say "the neighbors wish they had what we have" "I see you as a soul mate" even though we never went out yet. Anyways I asked her out and she said "no". I was angry because I felt she led me on a bit but I let it go. She had cried several times about getting her mother in a nice nursing home "assisted living" So she is selling her house to afford it. So I am still staying with her mother two nights a week so she can earn some money to stay at her home as a tour guide. Keep in mind I am hurt while doing this. Getting back to the walks, after a while she stopped asking me to go for walks before I asked her out. .So our only significant time together was occasional invitations to her house for a glass of wine while her mother was present. This was before I asked her out. She now walks a dog for her neighbor not asking me to walk with her despite walking  by my house daily? Its ok she says no to a date but now the friendship hurt is kicking in? Hell I'm doing alot for her to take care of her mother. I don't feel like a friend at times?

   Now my issue today....   Over last summer she said she would love to take me for a tour of New York as she is a tour guide there after her mothers situation is over with. So a few days ago my new friend asked me if he could take me  around New York to show me the sights. So today I mention that to Joanna on the phone and first thing she says "Oh so you don't need me to take you around New York now?" So I said "I thoght you were excited to show me New York?"  She said taken back "I am" Keep in mind this is after she has stopped doing walks with me before I asked her out? So now I'm thinking she doesn't want to show me around New York? I am very hurt because I feel used now. A short time ago I started to accept furniture for my work and now its nothng at all. Do you people think she was just saying that, but she does want to take me on a tour? I want to feel I'm her friend because I love her but I feel shes using me to help her mother? She never invites me over for dinner or lunch with her mother but food being scarce might be a reason? She has always refused money as I have offered. She refuses anything without giving something back. Does her abrupt answer of "So you don't need me to take you around NY.?' might be just a statement? She didn't say it excitedly but she did say it? Any help? I feel like just telling her not to call me any more at all. First its the walks that stop and now its not wanting to give me a tour? Am I a friend or a schmuck? I love her but maybe she doesn't even like me?    Thanks to anyone kind enough to help. I am very hurt tonite. Please answer.      Rick

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2013
Wed, 12-11-2013 - 6:05pm

Sorry I still help Joanna with her mother two nights a month, not every week.

Avatar for lizmvr
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2001
Fri, 12-13-2013 - 2:56pm

Sometimes I think just laying it all out on the table helps, and I think that might be the best bet for this situation. If I were you, I would just ask if she considers you both friends. If she does, then let her know that you hope to take the tour of New York at some point and start planning it with her. If she doesn't want to go that far, then just start to think of her as an acquaintance and reconsider what you feel you are giving to her. It's nice of you to be generous and kind, especially to the mother, but if you're doing it resentfully, then it might actually be better for you to not do it at all. If that's the case, then start focusing on making new friends, ones who you feel value you.

In any case, relationships of all kinds do change over time; so, though she might have said things that led you to think about romance at one point, it's quite possible her situation and/or feelings changed. It's not pleasant to go through such changes, but they do happen to everyone.

I also wouldn't take the dog walking personally. I have dogs, and I just prefer to walk them by myself rather than with another person. I have to focus on the dogs, and as inept as it might make me seem, there are times when I'd really rather not feel overwhelmed by trying to entertain another person on the walk, too.

Keep your chin up and be honest with yourself and with this lady. Good luck!


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