1st supervised visit for STBX & dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
1st supervised visit for STBX & dd
5
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:14pm

Thurs eve, but i am not telling her till we get there & see his car.

Our freind who is doing the supervised visits called & said M called him & said Thurs would be good, at 6:30, we offered Thurs & Sat this week.

I received the court orders today, from Monday, & they will be filed in the AM after being signed by the jduge to put them in full effect, for sole custody for now, for sole possession of the house, for supervised visitation, joint parental cousneling together w/ Child & Family Serives, for the SOLE purpose of co-parenting issues & for the drop of the no contact order, but to keep IN PLACE, the restraining order. What that means is that we can have minor contact, re: dd, which I will avoid at all costs, but we will haev to have SOME due to pick up & drop offs of dd. But I have full control due to the RO, he cannot "harrass, intimidate or engage me" in anything. So hellos & good-byes are all he is getting. & arrangements of visits by email or 3rd party only.

This AM was emotinally draining, big time. I got little sleep last nite due to work & dd waking up peeing her bed ... then MY bed ... (sitter forgot to have her pee & liekly gave her juice too late!) & i had to meet for the 1st time w/ the counselor for the co-parenting & rehash EVERYthing so she knew what she was getting into for our joint appt next Tues nite. But she & the attys know, if he gets into ANYthing besides the matter of the parental alienation, & how we are dealing w/ thsi w/ dd, i will not do it jointly anymore. The order will have to be changed to just him going.

Then i got an eamil from his nurse in Boston, for the Hep C tx he has been on for a year. She & the doc knew us pretty well, & she was not all that suprised that we broke up. I had contact w/ her b/c he was due for the big testing after the year of treatment, per the protocol for the research study, & she coudlnt get him to call back. So she called me & thats when i told her he wasnt living w/ us anymore. So, she apparently finally got him, she e'd me to tell me he would be giong next Wed, which was today. & what do i get just now? This email:

"Hi Rebecca,
Dr. A and I saw M today. We talked quite a bit. He told me to tell you he loves you very much and will do whatever it takes in terms of counseling, etc. to have you and A back. My prayers and thoughts are with you all. M is coming in two weeks for a visit to get back on schedule. At some point, maybe you will be able to come and talk with Dr. A.
Sincerely,
S

The REASON there is no 3rd party contact by RO is b/c of this exactly ... this made me feel really sad & some guilt too. But not even near changing my mind. But i guess that combined w/ his deciding to see dd is emotional for me. I also was thinking today that i think maybe the reason he refused to see dd was b/c he is afraid. Maybe not so much to punish me after all. As my friend who is a SW pointed out, he HAS no defense mechanisms. Except drinking, rage & running away from problems. So he ran from facing Averey. From answering the inevitable questions she will have for him. From admitting that we are getting divorced.

I thought of this b/c when the freind called to say he wanted a visit, he said "M wants to know what he should say to her if she asks anything". I imagine, he must really be thinking "What the heck am i going to tell her???" But i did provide his atty w/ the outline of what i am saying in answers to her questions, (as suggessted by the chid cousnelor she sees at the Womens resource center) & he is supposed to provide M w/ that PRIOR to his visit. JIC i sent one to the freinds so M can see. Stuff like "Parents get divorced from each other, not their chidren". That she will "never be alone, she is safe, this isnt her fault. That Mommy & Daddy fought too much & its better to live apart. That she will always have a mommy & a daddy & now she will see us both, just in 2 different homes. That this isnt anyones fault, sometimes this happens when people cant get along. ... & to answer her why "daddy was so mean to Mommy", which she asks often "Daddy has a hard time being nice to Mommy when he is angry, & he says thinsg he doesnt mean, so we have to stay apart. & Daddy is working on his feelings so he isnt mean or yelling". "& Mommy is working on all this as well". That kind of thing.

So, thast it. I will let you know how the visit goes. Say some prayers for dd please .... i hope she isnt too upset afterwards. Oh! They can also talk on the phone starting after the visit tomrorow *if* all goes well. So thats good!

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:22pm
I think you are being too easy on him. He is her father and there is no exscuse for not seeing your child, irregardless of your coping mechanism or lack of them. If he can't do what he is supposed to do as a parent,he will lose out in the end because his relationship with his child will suffer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 10:34pm
Easy? Not in my opinion. For her sake, i have to see if he can parent her as he has in the past. Not the recent, crazed past, but the years b4 these last bad few months when he knew it was ending & he made horrible choices. He does love his daughter & has always taken very good care of her. They are very close. These last few months there is NO excuse for him to have used her as a pawn or abused me in front of her - & i now know he is capable of all that. I have full physical custody & he has only supervised visits. What else would you suggest? That i cut off their relationship completely, w/o any chance of her having a father in her life? I have taken every precaution i can from the RO, to the supervision to the parenting classes. He is in batterers couseling, anger mangt, seeing a psychiatrist weekly- on mew meds, & is in substance abuse cousleling. Does that make ANY difference for me & my marirage? Not at all. But if it can make a difference in HER life, a positive one, then it is very well worth the try to me - & to her. She hasnt seen him in 5 weeks. & if he is appropriate with her, great. She will have her Dad in her life. If not, i pull the reins in again. Only time will tell. R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 11:10pm
You're doing a fine job R.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 12:11am

Thank you Maam'! Just doin' my best! ;)

& believe me, my gaurd is up & my eyes & ears are WIDE OPEN. he cant so much as sneeze the wrong way in her OR my direction ... i have NO patience left for his games.

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 12:37am
I didn't mean to suggest that you aren't doing all the right things. I meant only that mentally it sounded like you were showing too much empathy for him, like he has no coping mechanisms. Of course you have to give him a chance for your daughter's sake. But I don't think that not having the right words to explain a situation is an exscuse to stay away from your kid. You didn't run away from your daughter because you had to discuss difficult subjects with her and neither should he.