~*~ 2-year anniversary of freedom~*~

Avatar for bama1gal
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
~*~ 2-year anniversary of freedom~*~
5
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 6:35pm

I haven’t been here in awhile. Life gets away from you when you aren’t careful. This board and the sister board helped me escape with my sanity somewhat intact 2 years ago. I wanted to post this message Memorial Day weekend, which was my exit anniversary, but like I said, life gets away from you.

I came here at the recommendation of my best friend from childhood, sweetdreams, in the fall of 2002. I lurked for awhile, not believing that anyone could possibly understand the psychological torture I was under. Boy was I wrong. As I spent hours lurking, I saw my own story over and over again, often even down to the exact phrases I’d been hearing for the previous 12 years. By January 2003, I was posting regularly. By June 2003, I was physically free. A short time after that, I became a cl on the RDDA board, but had to step down when I returned to grad school. It took until September 2004 to actually be divorced. This board literally saved my life.

My story, in many ways, is pretty typical. Eric never hit me, but the verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse were tremendous. I didn’t realize the extent of it until I saw the repercussions in my daughters, Dani (who will be 18 tomorrow) and Hannah (now 10). Unfortunately, Dani has now chosen a boyfriend who is very much like her dad. None of us has been able to get her away from him, so we all just wait until she hits the point where she can also break away.

My self-esteem was in the toilet. I had gained about 35 pounds, probably in an effort to keep the sexual contact to a minimum. I had no real close friends nearby and had been moved hours away from family. It wasn’t until we moved closer to my family that I was able to make my escape.

Through all of this I have learned a lot about myself and life. I’ve learned that it is better to be alone and at peace than to be unhappy and abused. I’ve learned that I am worth so much more than I’ve ever been told. I’ve learned that my daughters deserve to have good, happy lives without someone beating them into nothing. I’ve learned to take one day at a time, to take time for myself, and to stand up for myself. I’ve learned that I am a good person and I live a good life. I’ve learned that even one day of unhappiness in the hopes of changing another person is a day wasted, no matter what anyone else says. I’ve also learned that no matter what I do the rest of my life, Eric will never see me as I truly am. And that it’s not worth buying into his BS anymore – that’s what the court system is for.

No, things are not completely settled yet. As long as Hannah is under 18, I’m sure that things will continue to be a problem. When we settled in court, Eric was paying just over half the required child support amount and had visitation with Hannah every third week for a full week. It generally takes 2-4 days when she returns to settle her back into our routine again and often she has behavior problems for 2 days before going. Dani hasn’t visited with Eric in well over a year. Oh, she has stopped by his house a few times, but he’s been so mean to her, calling her names and telling her what a loser she is, that the visit is often very short and regretted afterward. He called just this week to let me know that she would be removed from his insurance at the end of the month since she’ll be 18 tomorrow. That’s the kind of relationship they have.

Hannah and I are moving this summer to a town about 40 miles away, where my parents live. Eric is pretty mad about it, calling me selfish scum. I’ll survive the name calling. At first, Hannah was upset about the move, even threatening to live with her dad. I, of course, told her that wasn’t an option that was open to her. It took her about 15 minutes to start thinking about all the cool things about moving and to get really excited about it. She’ll go to a standard visitation schedule of every other weekend. When I told her that she had the option of spending several weeks with him in the summer, she turned to me and yelled, “No way.” She didn’t elaborate and I didn’t ask, but I’m sure I understand what she meant.

It’s been two years now, and I still haven’t had one date. Nope, not one. Oh, one guy asked me out about a year ago, but he wasn’t someone I could ever be interested in. So I’m still going it alone. My students keep telling me that they’re going to set me up, but so far no one has. Not sure if I’d go anyway. Of course, I’d love to find someone to spend time with, and yes, it gets very lonely a lot of the time, but I’m in no real hurry. I’ll be 40 in a couple of weeks. Some people believe I’m losing time by not pushing it, but others know what I know – when it’s the right thing, it will happen. My life no longer belongs to someone else – it’s mine to do with what I want.

For those of you who have come here looking for answers, understand that the real answers lie within you. These ladies here can give you good advice, but the decisions have to be yours. Only you can make yourself strong enough to be who you are and to stand for yourself.

One of the things that kept me from leaving for so long was my fear of failing financially. I was so programmed to think that I couldn’t make it on my own that I was truly petrified. Well, in the first 2 months out on my own, I was fired for the first time. It took 8 weeks to find another job. The job I found was the most perfect job I’ve ever held. I am now making almost twice what I made when I was still married, and a couple thousand a year more than Eric. I believe it was my self confidence returning that has helped me get this far. I’m in grad school working on my master’s in education. Career-wise, I’m on the way to where I want to be.

My life is on the right track. It’s not there yet, but each day is worthwhile. I don’t wake up dreading the day. I don’t tiptoe through life, trying to avoid any unpleasantness. I do what I want to do when I want to do it. My girls are free to be who they are. And so am I. If you’re in an abusive relationship, it is time to make some hard decisions. If you knew that your life would be over tomorrow, what would you wish you could have done better? Differently? That question helped me make my own hard decisions. What a waste life is when you are spending it waiting for someone else to change. I couldn’t stand just watching life go by while I was so unhappy, I had to start LIVING my life. And I’m so very glad I have! I had a quote that was attached to my signature line when I was a cl:

The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for.

I’ve come to believe that statement completely. I will never again settle for anything less than I fully deserve. And you shouldn’t either!

Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 06-14-2005 - 7:49pm
Hey Bama!
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 3:25pm

Hey Cheryl!

Happy Anniversary! You sound like you are doing really good. I'm happy for you. Amazing, life goes on doesn't it?

Hopefully you are moving to a place that you really like...maybe just a little close to the family though, eh? That's okay, you are strong now.

Just wondering, have you considered internet dating? I was home one lonely Sat night and saw this special..so I thought what the heck, it will help me get out a little and actually start learning how to deal with the opposite sex. I have been very careful and have met some really nice guys. You need to start getting out. I know it's hard because of the girls, but sneaking out every once in a while won't hurt. You can't meet anyone if you don't go out. If the kids in the classroom talk about fixing you up, they must think you are pretty cool.

Of course, my personality is one that I just can't sit around and wait for things to happen...mmm...wonder if that aided in the demise of my marriage?

Anyway, I am so glad you are doing good. And your words rang so true about the answers are within. When you realize that if you allow this person to ruin your day, it will be ruined. Jerks are jerks...they never change.

Best of luck to you lady...in a few weeks I will be going to court and hopefully have the closure I need to truly get on with my life.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 3:40pm

Hey hon, welcome back!


It's great to hear that you're doing so well.

CL-Blueliner4

Avatar for bama1gal
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-15-2005 - 4:39pm

Hey, girl. I'm glad that you're finally headed to court. I know that it gave me a sense of closure, even though it was 1 1/2 years after I left.

I must admit that I've recently been dropping in on the dating websites online. Unfortunately, rural Arizona doesn't have much to choose from. As MamaCaj said on the sister board, I want them to at least have teeth! Once I get moved, though, I'll be joining a church and probably looking at other types of groups to join. Where I am now, there just isn't anything here other than the biker bar and the casino. But I'll be moving to a larger town with much more to choose from, and I hope that will help me meet more people. I'll keep you guys all posted on that progress, if there is any.

Terry, you sound like you're doing really well, too. I'm so glad to hear you now knowing what you've been through. We've both come such a long way, haven't we? And we deserve the best!

Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)

Avatar for bama1gal
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 6:13pm

Blue and wishful, I'm so glad all is well with both of you. You guys are doing such a tremendous job here. Miss visiting with you, but drop in from time to time to lurk a bit. Thanks for all you do!!!!

Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)