21 years married and need help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
21 years married and need help!
7
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 7:47am
Hello all, I have been on this board before, My life for the last 21 years has been real bad with a man who has physically and mentally abused me, but i cant seem to ever get away from him, i have 2 kids one child who is 18 years old now and 1 child who is 8, 4 years ago i tried to leave him and was gone for 8 months but ended up coming back here to him because i got scared and didnt have the money to live on my own, At the present time i do not have money to leave him because he controls all the money and i do not have access to his savings accounts, he does not have a checking account either. I do have parents but they think that my life is so good with him because he has bought us a new house and new appliances etc, my parents dont really want to deal with this issue and they have told me in the past that i am driving them nuts with my problem and i should try to work this out with him?? I have been to the domestic violence shelter for meetings but it seems as though when i go there they counsel people but they really dont have any real answers for them as where to stay, how can i make it own my own etc? I am 40 years old and want to be happy once in my life and not have to deal with this man any longer and his problems that he brings me and my children but i dont know how to basically go about getting my life in order cause i have been married to him since i was 18 years old, does anyone have any advice for me and what i can do? thanks for listening to me!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 8:47am
What is your work history like, and what kind of jobs are you qualified for right now?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 10:14am
Hope,

My work history is not the best because i cant keep a job for very long because he used to yell when he had to watch the children and he expects me to get a job on 1st shift only and in this state jobs are hard to find on 1st shift. I have some medical office training went to school for 9 months for this but never worked in the field.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 3:19pm
It sounds like you went to school for either medical assistant or medical transcription. Is your 18 year old at home? Is he or she reliable to watch the eight year old? It is tough to get jobs first shift. But third shift would be good. Would you be able to work while the kids slept, then get the 8 year old off to school in the morning and sleep during school hours. I think getting a job is the first thing you need to have in place.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 12:26am
Hi whitelacegal...I promise you, there is help out there for you somewhere that can help you escape this and get on your feet.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 1:49pm
I can only tell you from my personal experience, it can be done. You can do it!!! It's hard, but you gain strength and you are strong.

I left a verbal/emotionally abusive relationship after 27 years. Got married at 19. I was never happy. Then I became a stay-at-home mom. Last year I got to a point in my life that life is just to damn short to be miserable. I started taking care of myself, doing for me, me first, then everyone else. I deserved it after all those years. They didn't like it but I didn't care. I told them "if mama ain't happy, nobody's happy". Then I planned. I decided to go get a job. I went to a temp agency so I could get my confidence back up about the work field. I got a job immediately and worked for the temp agency. They didn't like that either. I knew last Christmas that I was not going to stay in that marriage, so I planned and planned. Somewhat deceiving but you have to do what you have to do. I looked for apartments in March and by May I was gone. I would suggest you don't leave though. Make him leave. That's my only regret and sometimes I really don't regret that considering how big the house was and so much to take care of.

I am working now and have been seen March. It's not a great paying job. I have to pay for medical benefits once I'm divorced. I have no pension plan, but it's a job and I love the people I work with and I feel ALIVE! My DD has adjusted, not well, but adjusted going back and forth with me and STBX. She's 15 and it's not the best age. He doesn't pay me much support at all and frankly I don't care. If he gives me enough for DD, that's all I need. I'll survive on my own for me!!! Yes, I have bad days and good days, but the bottom line......I can do what I want to do, when I want to do it, don't have to put up with his emotional abuse anymore if I don't want to (although this is hard because we've lived with abusers so long, we're brainwashed and it's hard letting go because they continue their abuse as long as we let them). I buy what I want to buy (paying my bills first) and I control my money!

I suggest going to a temp agency to get your confidence back for working. Rely on friends, the school, etc., if you need someone for your 8 yr. old. I actually am fortunate enough that I found a job with so much flexibility that I can leave to pick up my DD from school, etc. The flexibility makes up for the pay.

Think and plan, think and plan. You can think; you are strong. We all are; we've just been beat down for so long.

We are beautiful; we are strong.

Freedom (soon)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Tue, 11-16-2004 - 2:09pm
Thanks for your messege it gave me some hope thinking that maybe i will be able to get out of this sooner then i thought, I have thought about the temp agency route also but didnt go there because i have health problems and need medical benifits and i know that temp agencies dont offer med benifits, I couldnt make my husband leave because he would be on the land next door to us( HIs mom's empty property) watching everything we are doing here and also i could not afford the bills here with the house. I thought about going back to college to update my skills but i dont know if i can wait that long to get out of here, im working with a counselor at this point to possible point me in the right direction.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 1:55pm

Being married, I still have health benefits through my STBX. I figure if the divorce takes six months, that's six months of health benefits I'll still have. We don't have attorneys so the divorce won't take so long. Now a friend of mine, her divorce lasted two years and she had health benefits all the way up until the divorce. You can also check into your state to see what they provide as far as a medical card for those who are not well off financially. My friends and family told me to seek a lawyer and make him pay for health benefits. It's not worth it to me. The lawyers make all the money in the end.

I started with the temp agency in March and had to work 600 hours to qualify for employment with my current employer. It was one of those temp-to-hire types. I went to the temp agency one day, they called me the next, I started working for my employer the following week. Then I was hired with them in July. Once my divorce is final, she will provide health insurance but I do have to pay half, which will be a big junk considering I don't make that much money. However, I resigned myself to the fact my happiness is more important than fretting over health insurance, though that's easier said than done. And I know many times I felt so terrible because I was so unhappy and under so much stress, which is what made me unhealthy. I couldn't eat sometimes, couldn't sleep, lost way too much weight, was a shaking, nervous wreck. (I know a friend that had Lupus for years, and I'm talking almost a life time. She got divorced and is now totally in remission! Stress!!!!)

I worked with a counselor for approximately four months. However, I knew that I wanted out. I knew I could do it but the counseling sessions helped me to realize I COULD do it. She asked at the beginning what I wanted out of the sessions. I told her I wanted to know for sure that I wanted to leave.

It's not easy. It's tough. I have good days and bad days. Initially, I was on an ecstatic high that I was "out" and free. Then reality set in; I got my feet back to earth. Some days I wonder how I'm going to pay my bills, what will I do when I don't have health insurance and have to pay both bills and health insurance, I need a new car, Christmas is coming. I just take one day at a time. I thank the good lord that I'm alive today and with prayers, I ask Him to give me strength. Some days I have none. Some days I cry a lot. But then I look back, I look at how I lived, how I wasn't happy and then I look at what I have now......my independence. I can be me!!!! I left a big, old house with lots of "stuff" for a small apartment that's MINE!!!!! It's small, with no garage, no yard, but I got what I could afford. And again, IT'S ALL MINE!! I never have the t.v. on, and if I do it's what I want to listen to. I listen to the radio and what I want to listen to. And if it's hot, I don't have to put air conditioning on (cause I love the heat). And if it's cold, I can put the furnace on whatever I want. But you have to know this is what you want and you have to plan. It's baby steps, but those baby steps cross mountains!!!!

Good luck......keep posting.