23 yr old Confused about relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
23 yr old Confused about relationship
4
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 12:54am

I am very confused as to where my relationship stands. I have been with my boyfriend for over five years. We met when we were 18. In that time I have completed my first bachelor's degree and am working on my second. He is very supportive of my education and career goals. The problem is that lately he calls me a bitch and tells me to "shut the f**k up" all the time. We seem to get into arguments over the smallest things and I feel like I always have to appologize because, according to him, every fight we have is always my fault. One night I was at his house and he was talking to his dad. I can't remeber the conversation, but I made a comment. He turned to me and asked "did I say you could speak?" Sometimes when we go shopping together he makes comments about how much money I am spending, always in the store infront of the cashier. I don't know if this is abuse. He has never hit me, but I know verbal abuse is still abuse. I know I have changed alot since I have been with him. At the beginning of our relationship he asked me to tell my ex-boyfriend, who I had been friends with for 6 years, and dated for only 2 months, that I could never talk to him again. He also made comments about all of my friends, whom now I havent seen in years. It seems like everytime I make a new friend he says something bad about them, like on one occassion he was convinced a new female friend of mine was a lesbian and trying to seduce me by inviting me over for sleepovers. That's what girls in their 20's do! Now, I have very few friends, but no close friends other then my sister. I know what I am saying likely sounds worse then it really is, but I didn't know where else to turn. I don't have anyone I can talk to this about. I am in love with a man who is great most of the time. We are from different cultural backgrounds, so this could be a cultural thing. I am considering breaking up with him, I don't live with him, but I am really scared to be alone. I know this probably sounds very typical. He really is the person who knows the most about me, and I must sound very dependent. I know I am dependent. I just want support and advice.

Thank-you for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 7:28am

Welcome to the board chicki...


I have to wonder if you are dating my abusive exbf.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 9:59am
I just want to say get out while you can. You're not married, not living together...get out now. Looking back 9 yrs ago when I started dating my husband he was doing the same things. I had 3 very very good friends, who i had been friends with for years. Slowly he started picking them off 1 at a time. Started talking about 1, how she didnt like him, how she would change my mind about him...on and on, till slowly i stoped talking to her, then same thing happened with the other 2. I didnt think much of it at the time and thats how the whole mess im in now started. Little things at first, made it sound like he was being caring and concerned for me. Now 9 yrs later, Im on the verge of leaving, I have NO friends,i have lost my self esteem and my sense of who i am. he checks up on me 3-4 times during the day, checking phone, email, anything he can to see who i talk to and what im doing. I wish I had come across a board like this before I married him, cause he showed so many signs of becoming a controling/emotionally abusive person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 8:18pm
Thanks for your replies, I really appreciate them. I have a lot to think about. My family loves him. He doesn't check up on me three times a day. But this is about me. Maybe I will try to talk to him first, he might not realize how things are turning out. I just need to stand up for myself more. I know my future, however it turns out will be bright. Thanks again for the advice. I will keep you posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 9:15pm

Sweetie? Your better off without him. There are guys out there that will treat you like you deserve to be treated. With love, dignity and respect. Dump him now, before you feel you really can't get rid of him and your with your abuser for 12 years, like I was. I wasted all those years with my abuser. And had five children with him. Don't do THAT to yourself.

Hugs,

Lori

Mom to Jennifer,18, Kristina, 15, Ryan,13, Marissa, 9, Caitlyn,9 and Isabel, 19 months