Aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh!
9
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 9:18am
So Husband is still being SUPER nice, even helping fold the laundry, I think he is being too nice though, is that possible? Maybe I'm more aware now or maybe I'm just crazy, but I can see a lot of little things that he seems to be manipulating me on and it really ticks me off, as a result I still stay distant from him. He is clingy and it feels like he is suffocating me! He wants to lay in the bed and kiss for hours at a time.....I don't have time to do that! I'm not a teenager without responsibilities....I'm a 38 year old woman with a job, a 3 story house to take care of, 2 pre-teens and a 2 year old. He never wanted to do this before (HE was too busy), now he wants to do it literally ALL day, it's driving me crazy. He says that I should be glad that he wants me that bad. It seems to me the past week that anytime we are supposed to go somewhere he starts this too and we end up leaving hours later than we were supposed to. He is also picking out things about my older girls that he says that I shouldn't put up with, he doesn't say it in a mean way, he is very sweet about it. He also says things like he thinks I am looking for someone else and I am going to throw him to the side and get someone else and boo hoo someone else will be raising his daughter. He says that he loves me and he would do anything in the word to keep me and he just wants to see me happy. I have been trying to show him much more attention since he is actually home now, but it's still not ever enough. He says I don't love him anymore (which is basically true) and that it must be because I have found someone else. He has been saying that I was looking for someone else since we got married, I always attributed this to low self esteme, but now I know it's a control issue. He went into my computer and got the phone # to the MSN dial up and asked me who's number it was, he thought it might be some man's #. He said that he was going to get some computer guru to hack into my computer to see who I've been talking to. That really upset me, but he said that I didn't have any reason to be upset if I wasn't doing anything and it was just because he didn't want to lose me and he needed to find out if I had been "flirting" with someone on line because that would be IT for him. AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH! I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. I have never been unfaithful, or even thought about it before. How can I look for somebody else when I am dealing with a crazy person at home. It would take a pretty special person even after all this is over, who would want someone with all my problems, issues and baggage anyway. Sorry this is so long, I just had to vent or cry and since I'm at work venting seemed best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 9:27am

No girl, feel free to vent.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2004
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 6:17pm

Hi: I think I have said this before but your husband sounds very much like mine. Like yours, mine wants me close to him all the time and wants lots of affection. Ugh. I don’t even want to touch him or look at him, let alone engage in that physical stuff.

Why don’t these guys get it. They are so wrapped up in themselves that they don’t see us (or anyone else for that matter) as persons with feelings and needs. My husband still thinks I love him. Oh yeah, why wouldn’t I still love a man who has called me every name in the book, terrorized me for years, never let me sleep, humiliated and degraded me, twisted everything I say around, can’t have a decent conversation with, bruised and scratched me, threaten to kill me, slap me, stab me, throw me off a bridge, stage many suicide scenarios, never know which of his personalities (Jekyll or Hyde) I will be dealing with from hour to hour, and on and on.

Like wishful said he is trying every which way to get to your guilt. I have said here before that they need to pick someone who is easily made to feel guilty, like me, or their manipulation and control tactics will not work.

I can see a lot more clearly now where my husband has been trying to manipulate – things I never noticed before. Maybe that’s what it is. They sense that we are wise to their tricks, head games, etc. and have to change their tactics around, be nice for as long as they can stand, to throw us off.

My husband is never satisfied with the amount of time I spend with him. I could spend the whole day by his side and spend 10 minutes talking to my kids and that’s all he will complain about. Its maddening

The only thing my husband has never done is accuse me of being unfaithful. I wonder why. He accuses me of everything else imaginable including not loving him. I guess its because he never lets me out of his sight long enough except when I am at work.

Just like you said, if I ever get away and try to find another relationship, who the heck would want me with all the problems, baggage and issues I have now after spending so many years with a crazy person. I can dream anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 8:42am
OMG it sounds like I wrote that post!! Since our last major fight, which has been about 6 weeks, my H is acting just like that! A year ago i would have been like..Aww he's really changing this time, things really are differet. But after all the reading I have done I know this is not the case. He, like yours, wants to be constantly holding hands, kissing, hugging...especially when there are other people around. Every other day it seems he's asking me if I really love him, and he doesnt know what he would do without him. He still says things about me seeing someone else. Just last night we were getting ready for bed and he looks at me and says "do you really love me?" I said yes I do. and he said "even if I was in love with another woman?" I thought what the He!! kind of question is that. But I just kept my cool and said No matter what I will always love you. Which is true, just not in the same way as I have or that he wants me to. I am more aware of the different tactics he is trying to use. This past weekend he got mad at me over something really stupid (we were at a funtion and took my kids to the car without telling him because I thought it was going to rain!) and he was very hateful towards me, kept walking away from me and saying really hateful things. So finally I walked up to him and really loud and in front of everybody asked him what his problem was and could he please tell me what I did that was so bad. He kept telling me to be quiet and we would talk about it later. I said I didnt want to talk about it later. Then he said something really hateful to me and I walked off and went back to the car. A few min later he came over apoligizing, saying it was all his fault, please come back over and being all lovey. It was sickening. But that was because I made him look bad in front of other people. One thing I have noticed is they think if they help out more around the house, be more physiclly loveing then they think they can keep up the hurtful words. Little do they know those are what hurts the worst.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 9:24am
Maybe they do some of that helpful and lovey, lovey stuff to make themselves look good to other people.....or even to themselves. Maybe so we can be the B**** when we leave them, so it isn't "their" fault, because it couldn't be "their" fault now could it. After all it doesn't matter what they put us through for how ever long, in their eyes NOW is what counts and NOW they are being Mr. Wonderful. I think it is partly an ego thing. Also, as long as they are being so nicey, nice, we should put up with some of their "minor" flaws like getting angry and throwing temper tantrums, I think that's what goes on in their minds anyway. I keep waiting for that next blow up, it's probably going to be somewhere along the lines of "You don't love me anymore, you aren't showing me the affection I need, I am doing everything for you and you don't appreciate it, yada, yada, yada". So, make it my fault again. What's the difference, according to him, it's always been MY fault, except now, it's like he's got proof or something.....so I look like the "bad guy". I know, I'm rambling, sorry. I'm just trying to make some sense of why someone that I gave my whole heart to, someone who I've been wishing for the past 4 years would love me like I love them, someone who didn't participate in family life at all.....except to tell everyone what all they were doing wrong and how his life was so much better before we came into it. Why when I finally shut down my emotions towards him, when I've just had enough and want it to be over, why then does he decide to be even more than I ever wanted in a man? I think I hurt more now, than when I did when he was screaming at me. Maybe that's it, I can shut down the hurt of him being an a**, but because I am such a caring person, I can't shut down this. I'm mad at myself because I DO feel quilty because he is being so caring, and I don't want to be near him, much less kiss, hug or defineately not anything else. I feel like I have already made up my mind, but am just waiting for the "right" time and he is making that very difficult.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 1:51pm
WOW...are you sure we are not living with the same man? And I'm so glad to see that you are feeling the same way I am, not that feeling that way is good, but it makes you feel better that your not the only one feeling this way and that you are not the one going crazy. I have often thought to myself that I feel worse now than I did when he was yelling at me all the time. I too had/have completly shut off from him emotionally. Sometimes no matter what, its just too late. All I keep thinking about is when's he going to blow up next, whats going to make him mad. I keep replaying the things he has done to me over the past 8 years and I cant get past that. He actually said to me the other day, after we had gotten into a minor argument because I did something thinking that he was going to get mad like before, that he had changed and why did *I* keep treating him like he was still the same person. He said that he had changed now *I* needed to change in my thinking. That *I* needed to stop thinking that he was going to get mad over every little thing. I told him thats hard to do after going through it for so long. He still didnt understand why I still worry about him getting mad. I know provoking him is not the right think to do, but deep down Im just waiting for him to blow up again so I can say I'm not doing this anymore, Goodbye! Just know that Im in the same boat your in and know exactly how you feel, its tough, but I love coming to this board if nothing else to just ramble and see that im not the only one. Stay strong and good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 2:30pm
I'm glad to know that I am not alone too, it helps me to know I'm not as crazy as I feel sometimes. So how long has your man been "good"? I know what you mean about sometimes thinking about provoking him even though it would be wrong. I think I just want to get it over with and not have to keep walking on eggshells waiting, or worse let my guard down and then he blows up. I don't even care if I'm alone anymore, I just want to quit being sad and upset all the time. I'll be thinking about you and hoping everything works out the way you want it to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 2:53pm
This "good-guy" act has been going on for about 2 months now. In the past we would get into a huge argument and he would do the same thing but usually only lasting about 2-3 weeks. This time was the first time I actually threatened to leave. I think he is so scared that I'm actually going to leave that he's trying harder until he feels secure that I'm not going anywhere. It had let up a little until this past weekend when we got into a pretty heated arguement in front of his friends and I yelled (loud enough where im sure everybody heard me) that i had enough and walked off. After that he followed me said how sorry he was, how much he was wrong, same ol song and dance, and since then its back to the overly sweet to the point of sickening act. I've tried being overly sweet back to him, to make him more secure, but it almost makes me ill and makes me feel bad. Makes me feel like Im the one pulling some sort of stunt to get what I want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 4:00pm
OMG! That is the exact same thing that happened to me. The outbursts had been getting closer & closer until they were almost daily, then when I told him I had enough, he went about a week at a time a couple of times, then when I packed up and started to leave he ended up leaving instead. He stayed gone 1 day and then it was the begging and Mr. Nicey Nice. I think he is testing you to see if you will take it anymore or not, I figure that's what mine will do too eventually, but it won't be anything "serious" enough to leave about. I've started trying to hide my true feelings and be overly nice too, even though it makes me sick to my stomach. I don't like games, and this is definately playing a game but I feel like when he is secure enough, he will go back to his old self and I will reach my breaking point and file for divorce. I know that probably sounds stupid, but that's the way I'm dealing with it. Try not to feel bad about doing anything to get what you want, you deserve to be happy sometime in life. My new saying is "It's never too late to live happily ever after", and I intend to have a happily ever after sometime in this lifetime. I deserve it for all the h*** I've been through and you do too. {{{{hugs}}}}
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Fri, 07-08-2005 - 8:48am
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! When you are going through something like this you feel like you're the only one going through it. Knowing that someone else feels the same way makes me feel better about what I'm doing. I do feel like I deserve to be happy! And I know that some day soon that will happen. For both me and you and everyone else out there going through this. Good luck!! (((((HUGS)))))