? about signs of an abuser

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
? about signs of an abuser
5
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 12:30am

I, myself, are a survivor of domestic violence. I was in an abusive relationship/marriage for 12 years before I got out.

I met this guy Nathan, 3 years ago. We have a child together. She's 19 months. I broke up with him a year ago, because he wasn't being helpful with the baby, and was just being a total jerk around me. Two days after I broke up with him, he started dating a single mom of two at the time. She was 8 months pregnant. He started living with her just a month and a half to two months later. (The baby isn't his)

During this time, Nathan told me that she'd said that she gets angry when he pays more attention to our daughter, when he has her at their house, then he pays to her. He's told me that she's extremely jealous of me. Back in December, I noted that Isabel's diapers weren't being changed. She was coming home wet, and hungry. Her medicine hadn't been given to her. So, I told him that he couldn't have her overnight anymore.
This sparked anger in his girlfriend. She called and harrassed me on Christmas Day. She called three times, before I finally called the police and reported her for phone harrassment.

She's been in the car when he's come to pick her up and she honks the horn if he doesn't come out right away. This decreases the time that we have to talk about Isy and what's going on in her life. (she has something called sturge weber syndrome, so she's a special needs child)

I carried her outside one day a month ago to his car with her and her kids inside of the car. Isabel, our daughter, looked right at his GF, but she didn't even say hi or smile at her. ??????????????????????

Then... this last Saturday, she was in the car with her kids,when Nathan came to get our daughter. At the very last second, he asked if he could have her overnight. Well, needless to say I wasn't too keen on the idea, so we started talking about it. Not even two minutes later, did his GF stomp up to my door. I opened the door and told her that Nathan would be right out. She tells me "He needs to come out now. My son is screaming in the car." I say "He'll be out in a sec." Get this... She pounds her FINGER on my door, and glares at Nathan who is sitting in a chair with Isabel on his lap and demands "GET OUT HERE NOW! CALEB IS SCREAMING!" She then storms off to the car, and slams the door as hard as she can.

Of course I get mad and try to voice my anger to Nathan but he shushes me!!!!! Even my 9 1/2 year old twin daughter, tries to tell him what Candy is doing, but he tells her to "SHUSH". He couldn't see what was going on, because his back was towards the door, and he wasn't watching her.

Does this sound like potential abuse going on? I Mean, if she's brave enough to come to my door and do this, what is she doing at home with him? And possibly with my daughter?????

What do you think of this situation?

There is NO court ordered visitation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 2:32pm
I'm just a luker here, but are you trying to say you think your ex is being abused in some way by his new gf? She does sound a bit off and demanding of him and his time with your dd. So yes I think he is being manipulated by his new gf.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 5:57pm

thank you! I appreciate your taking the time out to post considering your a lurker!

Avatar for buffphone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 7:02pm

Hugs living! This is just my opinion, but to me it sounds like it's time to take this to court, get only supervised if any visitation at all and protect your little one. If she is a special needs child, then it's time to protect her from him, his gf and anyone that runs in that bunch.

I can see why the National might not have had an answer for you as it is a mess and it is time to clear the fog for sure. I would contact a local shelter network, local hospital ER, police department and ask for a DV officer only, just some where, where you can start to get local help with this. If you can't find a shelter near you, call the National Hotline again and ask for local numbers in your area, these should be given to you with no problem. If you don't have a local, then next the ER at your local hospital as most have DV nurses and counselors there. If you call the police, specifically ask for a DV officer as they will know local resources and how to help you and your children. There is help there for you, it's just finding it.

He is visably not taking care of her when he has her so he shouldn't be allowed to get her at all. If his gf is so jealous of your little one, then your little one shouldn't be anywhere near her.

Through the shelter, hospital, police, try and find resources locally that can help you obtain an abuse trained lawyer to represent you. If you don't have the money, see if the network can help you find either pro-bono help, which many areas have now, sliding scale, something so that you can legally protect your children. It could go to where you need to have a Restraining Order brought against his gf if she is disruptive at your place. If he is being disruptive in trying to push you to follow his lead, then get an RO on him too. Most important is to only work with those trained in DV, otherwise you might get the wrong advice and not the help you need.

Don't give up, the resources are there and it is evident that you and your children need help to protect you all. If it has to go to court to protect them, the resources you find should be able to help you with all of that. Most shelter systems have resources to help with legal, financial and counseling needs. And they will have contacts to those who are trained in Domestic Violence and that will also give you the right information now and not later. If you can't find help locally, then look for them in your state's capital or state police. Many times locals aren't very helpful, but when the state is brought in, it should help you alot. Just don't give up.

Hugs and I hope this helps you with all this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 7:21pm

I agree with Buff.


Additionally, I would speak with a lawyer about getting visitation down on paper.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
Tue, 05-03-2005 - 10:07pm

Thank you everyone!

The last few times that he's had her for 5 hours she has come back clean, changed, and fed. But before that... not.

I have contacted our local domestic abuse program, but she told me that she was on the phone with someone else, and that she'd return my phone call. It's already 9:06 PM, and nothing. *sigh*

It's good to hear that someone other then myself thinks that there is something definitely wrong with her. Now if only Nathan could see it. :( And hopefully before it affects our daughter.