Is this abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2011
Is this abuse?
5
Tue, 03-15-2011 - 1:52pm

Hello friends. Im from the UK i hope you dont mind x
I come here with a heavy heart but a lot of positive feelings too....
I have been married for nearly 26 years , it has not always been happy , when our 2 daughters ( now 24 and 20 ) where younger , there was a lot of abuse , emotionally and physically.
Our eldest daughter left home when she was 18 as her dad told her that she would never amount to anything..yet shes totally turned her life around...ive told her proud i am of her , but he never has , he only sees fault with her. Our youngest daughter can do no wrong in his eyes and gets everything shes ever wanted......its always been like that , ive always tried to make up to our eldest so shes never felt left out and in the same breath if you can understand , i always treated them both the same and equally.........if i got 1 thing for one , i got it for the other , they were always as precious as each other to me.

About 12 years ago our love life and sex life seem to come to a great halt.......it was about this time that i developed M.E./CFS.
At the time i was quite ill but still craved love and sex......which i beleive is a natural thing to do.
He kept saying i was ill and that should be last thing on my mind , but on the other hand contined to moan about nothing being done in the house!!!
During this time we went through 3 very close deaths including the death of his mother and my mum and dad.
I still however needed love and wasnt getting it , even though i was giving it him.
Like i said there has been a lot of emotional abuse and when he told our then 17yr old daughter that she wouldnt amount to anything because she started doing kickboxing and became that good in a short space of time that she needed a uniform or proper kickboxing kit so she could enter a competition......so he told her that she couldnt have it because she didnt need it because she wouldnt amount to anything.......i at the time had no money myself otherwise i would have got it myself , it broke my heart.
Luckily me and my daughter have amazing relationship and we talk everday , she now has a 4 years daughter , my grand daughter ,which he also moans about , but i tell you what , shes

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2007
Tue, 03-15-2011 - 2:45pm
If you were hurt both emotionally and physically, then yes, it's abuse and you need to get out. I can't tell you what to do, but why are you still with him? It sounds like you're both miserable. Are you waiting for something to happen? When will it be enough?

If you want to stay with him, what about finding a job, or at least part-time work so you can make some money of your own? Perhaps seeing a counselor, if not together, at least by yourself. I'm not sure if UK insurance would cover such doctor visits, but it would be worth it. A counselor would help you see things clearer. If he says no, again, why stay with a man that doesn't treat you like an equal? You sound like you have an awful lot to give. How 'bout trying it on someone worthy?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2011
Tue, 03-15-2011 - 3:36pm
Withholding sex and money is most definitely a form of control and therefore abuse. If he is not responsive to your talking to him, then I would suggest leaving and seeking a divorce. I'm not sure about community property laws in the UK, but if you have then - you're entitled to half of that nest egg he's holding on to for "his" retirement. Time to talk to a lawyer.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 03-16-2011 - 2:02am

Instead of worrying what's wrong with him..........you KNOW what's wrong with him.......you need to start thinking about yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2011
Wed, 03-16-2011 - 6:00am

Thank you thank you thank you .,...yes i am going to make plans for me now and to hell with him.......ive put up with enough.......THANK YOU ALL OF YOU X

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2007
Wed, 03-16-2011 - 9:17am

Please keep us posted when you can.