Is this abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Is this abuse?
8
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 2:00pm

Just recently I posted this in Wedded Bliss and was told to tell this group my problem and see what everyone here thought, so here it is:

I've been married for a little over 4 years. I am 23 years old and I am a stay at home mom and completely oblivious to what I'm doing. My husband is 26 years old and tells me he doesn't have the sexual stamina he used to but can sit up and download porn all night. I've suggested we get rid of the PC but he refuses and he won't even keep the porn at a minimum. Our sexual life has declined quite a bit and when we do get together he's drunk. I'm not an ugly girl and his sexual stamina couldn't have declined that much, could it? I am starting to feel that I'm not good enough for him anymore.

I also occasionally ask him for help with chores around the house (i.e.- dishes, carrying clothes baskets up and down the steps). He refuses and tells me that his job is to make the money, not help out with our son and daughter in which he refuses to watch even if I have to run to the store. I asked him Sunday if he could do the dishes and it took him until this morning to do them. He once told me that women should have limited rights because there place should be at home with the kids, cooking, and cleaning. Now he wants me to get a job, take care of the kids, do the household chores which includes cooking. I can't do everything myself, and I don't find it fair. I've thought about leaving him but he tells me that I wouldn't make it very far cause I have no money, no place to go, and that I couldn't make it without him. As soon as I take a moment to sit down he tells me to go get his shoes or find his belt or something that he's perfectly capable of doing.

When I tell him how I feel or he see's me cry, he tells me that I'm acting immature and to act like an adult. I had one of my son's classmates father look at me and tell me that everytime he see's me I'm so far in another world and I look unhappy. I love my husband but I hate what he's become and I've tried talking to him, I really have. He won't go to marriage counseling and I'm too afraid that I won't make it without him.

What else is there to do? I'm desperate.

Rachel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 2:38pm

Welcome to the board Rachel :o)

There are definitley some red flags to me about abuse.

He seems like he does not respect you and your feelings. It also seems like this views of women is totally wrong. he expects you to cook and clean and be his slave. That is not what you are to him. You are his wife and he is your husband. You are not his slave like he might thing you are. He won't even look after his own child if you ran to the store? He sounds very selfish to me.

He doesn't care about your feelings about the porn situation. He is pretty much just telling you to deal with it and he can do what he wants. But can you do what you want and tell him that you don't care? I don't think so. This isn't really the same, but with my abuser is was dealing with pot instead of porn. He wouldn't cut down or stop doing it when I was around. He knew that I disliked it but he was only thinking about his feelings. It seems like you are going thru the same kinda thing that I went thru.

"I am starting to feel that I'm not good enough for him anymore." ** Do you feel like this often and about everything including cooking or cleaning or anything?? I felt like that a lot with my abuser. Nothing was ever good enough even if I did it the way he wanted it to be done.

If you did decide to leave there is ways that you can do it. You can go to a womens shelter. It wouldn't be easy, but it can be done. He is telling you that you can't live without him so you won't leave. But you can.

"When I tell him how I feel or he see's me cry, he tells me that I'm acting immature and to act like an adult." ** You are not immature at all. You are upset and you are allowed to cry. My abuser would call me a baby when I would cry and he would also yell in my face when I was upset and it would make it even worse.

You can try and go to counselling by yourself without him. Going to counselling with an abusive partner is the worst possible idea. It makes you take steps backwards instead of forwards. If you go to counselling, you should go by yourself and get your own thoughts together.

You really have came to the right place. Post as much as you like and vent as much as you want too. We are all here for you. Oh and you aren't alone either like you might think at times.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2006
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 11:56pm
I don't know where you are, but I have been going through similar with my H and when I contacted DV, I was told that unless he physically hits me, nothing can be done. Police got involved in my situation (he called on me over the kids, another story, in toxic) and after talking to on cop, he said the same thing. H can follow me, break things, bust in the door, whatever in his own house. I can only call if he touches me, and H knows it so he wont. ui keep reading all the messages and links about abuse and everything that is abusive, but according to the law, you have to get beaten for anything to be done. I don't know what I am going to do now, because I can't get anyone to help me. I hope you can find someone where you are. If you can trust someone to hold cash and any important papers for you and try and get as much money as you can out of the house, it might help. I wish things were different, but I would say get out now. Don't wait until you have been married as long as I have. I wish I had left many years ago (or just not married him in the 1st place, there were signs I was too young and naive to recognize). If you have family, tell them what has been going on and see if they can help, maybe you can take the kids and stay with someone? As long as you don't go out of state, you can take them. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 7:53pm
I find that if someone feels they have to ask that question, it most often is. :( This kind of manipulation can certainly constitute emotional abuse. Check out our webpage, accessible through the link at the top of the Start page, to learn more about emotional abuse. You are *not* helpless without him, much as he would like you to think otherwise.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 8:10pm

Ab (incorrect or bad) + use.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2006
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 1:22am
Wow are we married to the same man or what?My husband sits up all night and watches porn,wont touch me unless he's been drinking.We are currently sleeping in different beds,and if i have trouble sleeping at night he gets mad at me.His computer room is right under my bedroom and i can hear the tv,it keeps me up.He says that i need to figure something out or we need seperate houses.Nothing i do is ever good enough,or i will forget one thing and he will harp on me for that.I cry myself to sleep at night,because i am so lonely.I feel so ugly,and unwanted by him.I still love him though and i dont know why anymore.Why do we put up with these men!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 5:02pm

You are not crazy, lazy, immature or any other negative thing he has said!

You are not alone! Many of us have similar stories.

Can you make some small, positive steps toward regaining your sense of self?

Start putting away some cash in a safe place every week ($5, $10, $20 - whatever you can without raising suspiscion). Leave extra clothes with a good friend. Check your phone book for the number of women's services. My county in NJ (Bergen) has a hotline you can call and just talk to someone - they can also help you get to a shelter if you need to.

Also, cover your tracks. If you come here to post, clear the history off your computer.

Much of this may sound like hysterical reactions but trust us, things can deteriorate quickly. Things can also go down hill so slowly and subtly that you won't even realize it is happening.

Come to this board often enough and you will see your story repeated time and time again. We will support you any way we can.

Good luck. Let us know how you are doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 3:11pm
Erin,
What is this webpage you refer to? I'm not sure what you mean by 'start' page.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 3:45pm

http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm

Here you go. It is on the main page and it is under the little blurb about the board. I believe it says community website or something.

Lauren

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