Is this abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2003
Is this abuse?
1
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 5:43am

Hello, I'm new to this board but I really need some opinions here. To give you a little history, I've been married for over 12 years and we have 2 boys ages 8 and 11. To say the least, the foundation of our marriage has been severely fractured for years. Before we met, both of us came from long-term relationships distroyed by infidelity. So there we were, both on the rebound and intently looking for someone ready to make a real committment. And honestly, at the time I was thrilled that I had found someone whom wanted a committed relationship as much as myself. We lived with eachother for about a year before we got married. We were happy...or so I thought.

Then we had kids and I quickly realized this man has no coping skills whatsoever. He has a very short fuse with the kids. He has no patience and no empathy. I'm certain that this is the way he was raised by his own father. And honestly, there are MANY times that my kids just don't listen. And I know kids do that, but unfortunately, this is what REALLY sets him off. To "get their attention" (in his words not mine), he will use tactics like flicking them in the head with his finger, or he will grab their arm or hand and twist it behind them, etc. And amazingly, he will do it in front of anybody. He does it in front of his family, my family, and in public places. When he does this, I get so upset with him (not to mention completely mortified). Over the years, I've told him how much this bothers me and threatened to leave if he didn't stop. He would stop for a while but it always seems to creep back into our lives. And no one has ever said a thing to me about it so I have to wonder if this really is considered abuse or am I making more of this than what it really is?

Just today we were at my DH's family's house with lots of people there and my oldest was chasing my youngest in the house. They were told to stop several times but kept doing it. So my dh grabbed my oldest son by the wrist and twisted it behind him in front of everyone and scolded him. He did this twice while we were there. Later on today we went to the park and dh was in one of his moods cause the kids weren't listening very well. Later, when they came over to us from the playground and asked him to push them on the swing he said no because they weren't being good. So I got up and pushed them on the swing. And, a couple days ago, my youngest son was sad and upset because a game he bought for his gameboy with his own money didn't work like he thought it would. He came downstairs and was crying. He said he told dad but dad said he didn't care. I held my son and had to apologize for daddy being so insensitive.

I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the picture. Our marriage is completely broken because of this. I can't love someone who treats his children this way. I know he loves them, he does tell them he loves them sometimes, but he has no control of his emotions. He is the type of person who is always right and never apologizes for anything. He justifies everything and is very sarcastic. When we are home he spends 95% of his time hiding in our bedroom watching tv and playing on his laptop. He has completely disconnected from us and seems to only "tolerate" us for lack of a better term. So...any comments, suggestions?? Thanks for reading all of this.

Mocha

Mocha

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 11:10am

I always tell people that if they have to ask if it's abuse, it probably is. :( It sounds like your husband is mainly an emotional abuser, but what he's doing to the kids is pushing it.

Begin by checking out our website, accessible through the link at the top of the Start page. It discusses different forms of abuse, and may help you figure out what you'd like to do next.

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