Is this abuse

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2005
Is this abuse
8
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 10:29am

DH has never hit me. There are times that I wish he would. Then I could scream abuse. We have been together for several years and he has constantly lied to me about important financial situations. I suffer from depression and closed off from others a long time ago. Two years ago we had what I thought was a break through and took solid steps to change our situations. Things really seemed to improve, I really began to trust him and I started to come out of my shell. Last night I discovered that he is once again lying about our finances. This makes me wonder what else he has been lying about. I don't have any job skills or have transportation and I have serious health problems. My Minister actually suggested that we come to counseling for one year but during that year I develope skills to support myself. If he has not changed in that time then I could leave and take care of my self financially. Is this abuse. I am confused, hurting, scared and feel so alone

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 11:50am
To tell you if it's abuse or not, we'd need to know a little bit more about what he is specifically doing. Is he calling you names, withholding your money from you, trying to control who you see, things like that? At a minimum, though, he is lying about important things in the relationship, which certainly isn't healthy and should be looked at. I can't say from your post yes, this is, or no, it isn't, but I would say there's cause for concern of some sort.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2005
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 12:43pm
This is so difficult for me to explain. I would suggest that I go to work to help and he would say that I would only make enough to pay the expenses that we would not have if I don't work. This probably true but I would find out he told others that I am to lazy to work and that is why we have so many problems. He has fought me tooth and nail over getting my drivers lic. yet told the one counselor we went to that all our problems are because I don't drive. The one and only friend I have left keeps telling me I use to be fun, vibrant, smart, and a real "go-getter". I don't know if that's true but now I am depressed, stay home most of the time, don't say much when we do go out. I feel like I don't have any control over my own life and I hate it. I am ashamed of who I have become and embarrassed with my life. I also hesitate to reach out for help because he has not physically struck me. He punched a wall a couple of times and spit on me once. BAD? yes but it is not the same as hitting. Is this where I belong? I don't know where to turn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2006
Mon, 05-08-2006 - 7:15pm
i am sorry that your husband treats you that way.if my husband ever spit on me i would leave him.i am not telling you that you should do that,that is your own decision.as for him punching the wall,i think i would leave(even if he has never hit you)if he can get mad enough to hit the wall,he can certainly get mad enough to actually hit you.i wouldnt stay,but that is your decision.the fact that he has lied to you about your finances(that is an important thing)when you marry someone,you are supposed to be able to trust them.if you cant trust them,and they lie to you,maybe you shouldnt be in the relationship.i hope everything works out for you,whatever you choose to do.
heather elaine
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2005
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 12:48am
I'm sorry. I know that my husband was the reverse, I would be the one responsible for the finances. However, he used that as ammunition to go at me about how I didn't know what I was doing. My H started out hitting walls. And yelling. Then it proceeded from there. I am not saying that your H will ever hit you. But obviously, he handles his anger in a very physical way which could be a sign. I know that suggesting an anger management class would be hard for you, but maybe if you suggested you both go for your benefit, some of the things would stick. Just a thought. Good luck and be safe
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2006
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 7:12am
oh,i dont need an anger management class,neither does my husband,i was just trying to help someone else out,my husband does not abuse me,but i have been in an abusive relationship befor,and since i was before,i thought i could help someone else out.i am in a great relationship now,my husband is the perfest man for me,he has never been abusive,never hit me,never wanted to,and i have nevr been that way towards him.we are fine,just helping someone else.thats all
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 12:23pm

OK, this information makes me say that yes, it is abuse. Actually, in the eyes of the law, spitting on someone can constitute a physical assault. Punching a wall is also intimidation, and he's lying about you to others to try to cut you off from them.

Best place to start is in your local Yellow Pages. They will have the number for your local domestic abuse shelter. You may not be ready to leave yet, but they can help you figure out what to do. Also, check out our board webpage, located through the "Learn more about this community" link at the top of the page. And, do keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

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Avatar for mom2dylan2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 05-09-2006 - 2:55pm

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and if you stay on the board, research the topic of emotional/verbal abuse and reach out to your close friend you can become stronger. Hopefully strong enough to say "enough!" and demand more for yourself. That's what I am trying to do.

>I feel like I don't have any control over my own life and I hate it. I am ashamed of who I have become and embarrassed with my life.<

I too feel that way and it's a horrible feeling. But with more knowledge about what you're experiencing can come more power. You CAN get out - there are many posters on here with proof of that.

I can also relate to the lying. My H took my ATM card and took $$$ from my savings account and lied about why and also put $$$ on my credit card and hid it and the bills from me and let me think I lost it. One last example, and one of the worst: my ATM card went "missing" again one night when he had gone to the bar. I went up there and confronted him - he again let me think I lost it, made me feel GUILTY for confronting him and then even helped me look for it in his car since we had both been in it that day. Couldn't find it. He mysteriously "found" it later that night. The next day I discovered that yes, he of course took it and took $$$ out. I again confronted him, he admitted it, we argued and in the course of the argument he said "if you weren't prengant right now I'd probably do it again". What the pregnancy had to do with it I don't know but looking back, what the hell??!! Who says something like that? Why did I and do I stay? To help me figure out why I accepted that and so many other lies, I just bought a great book: "When Your Lover is a Liar". I'm halfway through it and it's great. I think it will be very helpful.

Everyone is right when they say we all have our own timetable for leaving. Again, I just want you to know you are not alone. Keep posting and begin to regain yourself.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2001
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 12:00pm

Hi,

Yes this is abuse and just wanted you to know that you have one more friend here. Keep posting this is the best help you can get, HERE, and we care,

Luv. Sherry