abuse?
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abuse?
| Fri, 01-21-2005 - 8:29pm |
I am sorry that I have so many problems and questions. I feel like maybe I am a bit obsessed with abuse right now, but you have to talk about a problem to solve a problem - although I would prefer to look the other way.
My mom was very hateful. She couldn't handle her problems so she took it all out on me. It was very hurtful. It still hurts but I'm learning that she is responsible for her actions and it was not my fault whatsoever. Crazy that I say I'm just learning it, but you really do start to believe something you hear over & over.
I found the site www.drirene.com. Wondering if anyone has visited that site & whether they think it has sound advice or not.
My big question is whether my ex was actually abusive or if *I* was abusive to him. There were a bunch of things he did that were just really confusing. There were two strange things at the beginning. Once when I woke up in the night and went to the bathroom I asked if he was awake when I got back. He flipped, shouted "would you not ask that?" & left the bed. He really was upset about that, and after a while I asked if he would go back to bed and he did. Another thing at the beginning was when I asked if he thought my waist was too big. He flipped over this too & said I sounded just like his ex. Then he went on a tirade about that was how all the problems started with his ex and then she asked if he cared about her & he told me he didn't believe in love. Wow. I was shocked so I just listened, not knowing what to say and I rubbed his back and asked if he was okay. At this point I knew there was *something wrong* (should have got out then) but I was worried about him & I guess I thought that he might just need time, however I felt he compared me to his ex unfairly.
The next thing was the first breakup. He called and told me he was going to the gym on my night off. I was upset because this would mean we wouldn't get to see each other for about a week. I guess I just asked why he had to go then and he felt I didn't want him to go to the gym or something. So then he wanted to break up over that... then I explained that I wanted to know when we would have time together & I thought he could go to the gym on days when I was busy too. Not making plans was a big deal, because I would wait to see when he would want to get together so I wouldn't make other plans. Yes there were communication problems & it just seems so immature. He would get mad saying that I would want him to read my mind but then when I would try to talk about something, he would get mad and not listen. After we broke up the first time, he came back a month or so later as if nothing had happened and we got back together. It just seemed that he didn't really care about what I wanted. He would want me to run errands for him or pick up things for him. He said he would do it for me, but then I got in an accident. He got me and went to the doctor with me, but then he didn't want to drive me to work, though he said I could use his car. I was scared of driving after the truck had driven into me (not to mention the pain killers made me high, I think, so I was probably unsafe to drive) but I didn't say that. I just thought driving his car was the only way to get to work so I did it. Then, one day when I got to his place after work (& he had a friend over) I was crying because I was scared of driving. I didn't tell him what was wrong (I was ashamed to admit it, I guess I thought I had post-traumatic stress, but felt weak for it). He said "how do you think *I* feel that my girlfriend is crying?" His friend drove me home... because my ex didn't want to leave his house. Later on, I called him and said I was ready to talk. I wanted to talk face to face, but he said I was being ridiculous and had my chance to tell him earlier... couldn't I tell him over the phone? I don't remember, but I think what happened was we talked about it the next day. He has really bad asthma and he came to my place (I have cats). I shouldn't have let him come into my apartment because I knew it would make him sick, but I didn't say anything. He started coughing after a while so he left... the next day I went to the doctor with him because he was having a really bad attack. He said he had woken up every hour the night before because he was coughing and his inhaler didn't help. So, even though he was feeling so sick, he asked the doctor about birth control. He had asked me several times to go on the pill and I had said I really didn't want to as many times. He also asked me to move in with him - which was just too much for me because he was being so pushy and he wasn't there for me after the accident (driving me to work, etc. I missed a massage appointment because he wouldn't commit to getting me there in time after work & I had no other way). So at that point I told him it wasn't working because he wasn't there for me. After a month or so he called me up as though nothing had happened and we became friends with benefits until he found someone else.
Was I abusive because sometimes I wouldn't tell him what I was thinking and I wanted him to be there for me? Was he abusive? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?
It's over for good but I just want to know if I am accepting mistreatment or if I over-react because of my past - so I won't make the same mistake.
My mom was very hateful. She couldn't handle her problems so she took it all out on me. It was very hurtful. It still hurts but I'm learning that she is responsible for her actions and it was not my fault whatsoever. Crazy that I say I'm just learning it, but you really do start to believe something you hear over & over.
I found the site www.drirene.com. Wondering if anyone has visited that site & whether they think it has sound advice or not.
My big question is whether my ex was actually abusive or if *I* was abusive to him. There were a bunch of things he did that were just really confusing. There were two strange things at the beginning. Once when I woke up in the night and went to the bathroom I asked if he was awake when I got back. He flipped, shouted "would you not ask that?" & left the bed. He really was upset about that, and after a while I asked if he would go back to bed and he did. Another thing at the beginning was when I asked if he thought my waist was too big. He flipped over this too & said I sounded just like his ex. Then he went on a tirade about that was how all the problems started with his ex and then she asked if he cared about her & he told me he didn't believe in love. Wow. I was shocked so I just listened, not knowing what to say and I rubbed his back and asked if he was okay. At this point I knew there was *something wrong* (should have got out then) but I was worried about him & I guess I thought that he might just need time, however I felt he compared me to his ex unfairly.
The next thing was the first breakup. He called and told me he was going to the gym on my night off. I was upset because this would mean we wouldn't get to see each other for about a week. I guess I just asked why he had to go then and he felt I didn't want him to go to the gym or something. So then he wanted to break up over that... then I explained that I wanted to know when we would have time together & I thought he could go to the gym on days when I was busy too. Not making plans was a big deal, because I would wait to see when he would want to get together so I wouldn't make other plans. Yes there were communication problems & it just seems so immature. He would get mad saying that I would want him to read my mind but then when I would try to talk about something, he would get mad and not listen. After we broke up the first time, he came back a month or so later as if nothing had happened and we got back together. It just seemed that he didn't really care about what I wanted. He would want me to run errands for him or pick up things for him. He said he would do it for me, but then I got in an accident. He got me and went to the doctor with me, but then he didn't want to drive me to work, though he said I could use his car. I was scared of driving after the truck had driven into me (not to mention the pain killers made me high, I think, so I was probably unsafe to drive) but I didn't say that. I just thought driving his car was the only way to get to work so I did it. Then, one day when I got to his place after work (& he had a friend over) I was crying because I was scared of driving. I didn't tell him what was wrong (I was ashamed to admit it, I guess I thought I had post-traumatic stress, but felt weak for it). He said "how do you think *I* feel that my girlfriend is crying?" His friend drove me home... because my ex didn't want to leave his house. Later on, I called him and said I was ready to talk. I wanted to talk face to face, but he said I was being ridiculous and had my chance to tell him earlier... couldn't I tell him over the phone? I don't remember, but I think what happened was we talked about it the next day. He has really bad asthma and he came to my place (I have cats). I shouldn't have let him come into my apartment because I knew it would make him sick, but I didn't say anything. He started coughing after a while so he left... the next day I went to the doctor with him because he was having a really bad attack. He said he had woken up every hour the night before because he was coughing and his inhaler didn't help. So, even though he was feeling so sick, he asked the doctor about birth control. He had asked me several times to go on the pill and I had said I really didn't want to as many times. He also asked me to move in with him - which was just too much for me because he was being so pushy and he wasn't there for me after the accident (driving me to work, etc. I missed a massage appointment because he wouldn't commit to getting me there in time after work & I had no other way). So at that point I told him it wasn't working because he wasn't there for me. After a month or so he called me up as though nothing had happened and we became friends with benefits until he found someone else.
Was I abusive because sometimes I wouldn't tell him what I was thinking and I wanted him to be there for me? Was he abusive? Or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?
It's over for good but I just want to know if I am accepting mistreatment or if I over-react because of my past - so I won't make the same mistake.

Off reading what you posted, Lily, I'm going to say yes, he is abusive.
CL-Blueliner4
This may sound crazy, but I can read through those posts on the signs & wonder about a point "does this count, or not?" Yes, there were a few things from the list that applied to my ex - but not nearly as many as applied to my mom & therefore he seemed not that bad in comparison.
I am curious as to what other red flags you saw.
I do want to learn what to watch out for. There is just so much & I have always been told not to talk about it, so I guess talking about it has seemed wrong in a way because there's so much that hasn't been questioned. What I mean is because I have overlooked abuse before, thinking about it seems obsessive, especially because there is so much to think about!
I have gone to a counsellor and I'm going to ask next week if she's trained in dealing with DA.