abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2005
abuse?
6
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 12:30am

My new husband wants to start a family and it has me questioning our relationship. I can take care of myself but I don't want to bring a child into a hostile environment. He treats me well 99% of the time, but then he goes into violent rages and seems like a different person. Today he was acting angry at dinner so I said I had enough of him and tried to go upstairs. He blocked my path and shook me, then shoving me into the couch. This all seemed to come out of no where, and when I ask him how he could get so angry he says he is a pot boiling over since I complain too much, especially about my work. It's true that I tend to be negative and my job does stress me out.

Anyway, fights like this happen like once a month or less, and I don't walk away with anything but maybe a small bruise, so I wonder if it's another example I'm being overly negative?

He says he realizes it's wrong (and then goes on for twenty minutes explaining how I can prevent it from happening again). I try to get him to take responsibility and he seems open to counseling. We've tried counseling before and it did cut down the frequency and he hasn't broken anything in the past year, so maybe it will work this time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2000
In reply to: quinoa2
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 1:53am

Quinoa,

I just spent 12 years with an abusive man and I didn't have children because I was positive he'd mistreat them, he's abusive to my pets and me so why would children be any different? I am 41 now, probably too late to have biological children. Don't sacrifice your right to live free of fear and abuse or to have children.

Read the resources listed on the site, and the posts from the other women here and you will begin to accept that what your husband is doing to you first has nothing to do with you or your actions and is abuse. I am still learning this but after years of abuse I am filled with self doubt and have difficulty seperating reality from "His reality". I don't want you to take as many years of this as I have, that is my wish for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
In reply to: quinoa2
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 7:18am

Hi quinoa2,

Welcome and definitely go to the resource pages and learn. I thought having a child would help our marriage many years ago. I got the privilege of finding my own way home from the hospital after delivery because he couldn't take off work. The one thing I learned was they don't change their way of thinking when a baby is born, they just work harder to be the center of attention. When put in a corner, old Wendell would sit there and admit what he was doing was wrong and just couldn't understand why he did it. He would promise to try to control himself. I feel for you, you are newly married and have dreams of the future. The future is still there, you just might want to readjust it a bit. No one should stop your dream of having children. You are a smart woman though and realize how he is treating you is not right.

Good Luck to you.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
In reply to: quinoa2
Sun, 01-02-2005 - 10:26pm
Nobody is perfect. I think 90% of the employed population has complained about their job at some point, it's probably more like 99%. If it wasn't that, he'd find something else. They are good at twisting things around and starting fights out of nowhere. No matter what you do. An example I read is if he's sitting down and asks for a can of soda, and you bring him one. Then he says why didn't you bring it with a glass of ice, cause you know I always have my soda with ice, and you are selfish and not considerate to my needs and on and on. So you tell yourself ok, next time I'll get him a glass of ice with the soda. Next time you do. Then he says did I tell you I wanted ice, I just wanted a soda, why are you always trying to tell me what to do, if I wanted ice I would have asked for some. It's not really about you, he'd do this no matter what. It's called walking on eggshells and it doesn't work because they always find something to fight about. Can you live for the rest of your life knowing that once a month give or take he will have terrible rages that may or may not leave you bruised? Is that a price you are willing to pay to be with him? Only you know the answer. Counseling doesn't help, the exscuses he gives you about what you can do to prevent his abuse are the same exscuses he will give the counselor. An abuser is interested in control, not in working as a team in a relationship. Counselors assume that like non abusive people, he is coming from a place of wanting to work as a team for the relationships best interest, not the selfish controlling place he's really working from. He'll have both you and the counselor mixed up so fast, thinking up ways to work on the relationship. What you'll really be doing is working on ways to have you submit to his control. You want so much to fix it, to just do away with the 1% of him that is nasty and it sounds like it should be easy enough with counseling. But most abusive relationships get progressively worse. It will be harder and harder for you. But don't give up. Keep posting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2005
In reply to: quinoa2
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 11:51am

The experience I had before in counseling was exactly like you said, hope. The couselor seemed focused on what I could do to prevent him from "getting to that place" . What about talking about how he can learn to control himself when he gets angry!?! Have other people have the same or different experiences in counseling???

Last night he flew into one of his rantings over dinner with me and his mom. His father and him had a confrontation about two months ago. He knows he is seriously threating his relationship with his parents, too. Yet he is still saying he doesn't understand how it's his fault. "I only have this problem with my parents and you," he says.

I see him get overly upset about service in restaurants, no popcorn in the movie theater, etc. I don't know if he is a typical "abusive personality" from what I'm reading on the boards, since he actually is encourgaing me to get more friends, get out more, and doesn't care where I go as long as I take my cell phone in case of emergencies. He just has that "sudden mood swings" catagory.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
In reply to: quinoa2
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 1:39pm

hi sweetie, yes it is abuse, from all the reading and learning i have done, it is abuse. I myself was not sure if i was getting abused and my situation was alot like yours, he would call me names, push me , shove me, and once even pinned me down and choked me, and only really when he got really mad, STILL, thats no excuse!

They need to find there own way of dealing with anger, not taking it out on the one "they love". My abuse was only once in awhile also, when he had a bad day, someone pissed him off, I pissed him off, something annoyed him...crap like that. Our poor dog would getting the odd beating also and i got thinking, gosh what is he gonna do with our kids....I even mentioned that to him and he said , oh well if they are outta line, there gonna get a smack yeah!?!?! over my dead body buddy if i am ever having kids with you...HA, im leaving your ass in a couple months.(he doesnt know this)

But maybe your guy may have a chance, i dont know, i dont know him. I know mine will never change, he has went to couselling, I am not waiting around till im 80 to leave him, I need my life back. So just listen to your heart hun, if your not happy, than my god leave!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: quinoa2
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 2:12am

GET ON BIRTH CONTROL! PLEASE!!!!

Once you have a child w/ him, you will feel more stuck. He IS abusing you. & it will only get worse. Please learn more about DV & keep yoruself safe! "Only brusies" is BAD!!! R~