Is this abuse?
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| Sun, 03-28-2004 - 10:43pm |
My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have 4 kids. The love left (at least for me) more than several years ago. He has always had a bad temper. He used to throw things and punch walls. He has broken things in our house over the years. He has never beat me up but has punched me hard in the arm before when we were fighting, and once he hit me in the back of the head. He has also squeezed my arm very tightly, and yells so bad sometimes that he scares me.
He has never hit the kids but he has grabbed them roughly and has picked up my daughter and pushed her hard against the wall on several occasions.
It would take me forever to list our other problems, mostly communication problems. He is extremely hard to talk to. He criticizes me a lot. He can also be incredibly sweet, complimenting me all the time, always showing affection. But anyway, I won't get into that right now.
Tthis week I kind of came to the realization that I need to start sticking up for myself instead of letting him talk to me the way he does - usually I sit back and take it to avoid a fight. So we got into a huge fight and he walked away as usual. Well, I was in the kitchen and he was all the way across the room and all of a sudden he threw a roll of papers that was rubber-banded together (it was a big roll of probably 40 pages or so) from the next room and it hit me in the calf. It was so forceful that it made me fall down and I just started sobbing. The kids were running in asking me what was the matter, and I could only sob, because it hurt, and because he would do that.
He came over and said he was sorry. He said he didn't mean it to hit me. Well, it did and it left a bruise that is swollen to the size of a softball. It really hurts.
I basically told him I thought he intended to hit me and he got very angry and said "How could you believe that of me?" Well, he WAS throwing it in my direction and he WAS mad at me at the time. What does he expect me to think? Now we're not talking to each other, and HE is mad at ME!! Something tells me it should be the other way around.
I need some help and some guidance. I have thought of leaving him over the years but I don't want to break up the family, and I have no money of my own. I feel so sad when I realize how trapped I am in this life I hate with a man I don't love, and don't even like. :(
Please just reply to this board, please don't email me, because I'm afraid he might see it. Thanks.

Is this abuse? ABSOLUTELY! In fact, he has ASSAULTED you, and you could've called the police. It doesn't matter if it was or wasn't his "intent" to hit you with the papers--the fact that he THREW them in your direction is enough. Even if he missed, it still could be assault. And he's mad at you? OF COURSE he is, abusers have the tendency to turn it all around and make themselves the "victim" because its ALL ABOUT THEM. I know this all too well.
I've been married 15 years...and I have 4 kids, too. I just recently filed for divorce, and my husband is turning on the "charm"...begging, pleading, promising to change. Like you, the LOVE died a long time ago...heck, I can't even remember if there was any to begin with (but that's another long story). I *know* about your struggles about not wanting to break up the family, because I struggled with that too. But I've reframed it...I HAVEN'T broken up the family...HE HAS! He has by his MISTREATMENT of me. I haven't broken the vows of marriage--HE HAS! He has by his MISTREATMENT of me. I would NOT be walking away from 15 years of marriage, a beautiful home, subjecting my children to the initial stress (though, I hear it gets better) of divorce, financial security if he treated ME WELL. I reached my breaking point last month. 15 years it took....heck, I have a LOT of patience, I guess.
Keep reading, keep posting....we all understand the struggles here. And if you haven't already...get the book "Why does he do that: Inside the minds of angry, controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. Its a sanity saver!!!
big hugs
dharma
Hi twins, and welcome -
Save your money on couples counseling.
CL-Blueliner4
Your husband has.... " punched me hard in the arm before when we were fighting, and once he hit me in the back of the head. He has also squeezed my arm very tightly, and yells so bad sometimes that he scares me......It was so forceful that it made me fall down(when he hit you in the leg with the papers)...." This is physical abuse hon. Very much so. Also he is getting physical with your children.
All abusers have their good and bad sides...they show us the good side at the beginning and slowly start releasing the bad part. It gets worse so slowly over the years that we become accustomed to it. We hardly even notice that it is happening and we make excuses(his excuses btw) for him. Then we become part of the cycle...and he has to show his good side for us to keep staying in the cycle. If a abuser was horrible all of the time it would push us away faster and then who would they have to control?
Please try to find a counselor or someone that you can talk to about this. I would first suggest that you call the national abuse hotline listed on the homepage..they are there 24/7 and will talk with you anytime...they were there for me they will be there for you. They can also help you to find a local shelter that you can contact. Shelters offer more than just shelter for a woman when she leaves an abusive partner they have many many resources for you. I found my counselor through the local shelter. They also helped suggest a lawyer.
Also I would like to suggest to you how to clear your history and your cache...if you have fears that he might be tracking your activity on your computer. There is a link for that in the homepage also but basically you go on Internet Explorer up top and go to Tools, Internet Options, Delete Cookies and Delete Files(and check the delete offline files also), ALSO you can erase your saved sign in names and passwords by going to Tools, Internet Options, Content, AutoComplete, Clear Forms and Clear Passwords. ALSO ...if you go to History and delete the webpages that you dont want him to find manually then it wont look as suspicious as wipeing all saved info. To do that go to History and highlight it and then right click and select Delete. If you are really afraid of him checking on you on the computer then I would check out the local library for computer access. Our library lets you have an hour online.
I totally understand the not wanting to break up the family hon but let me ask you some questions. My therapist gave me these the week before I finally decided that I needed to leave my H.
Questions to Ask Yourself
What do I gain by staying in a violent home?
What do my children gain by growing up in a violent home?
What do I have to lose by leaving?
What do the children have to lose by leaving?
What do I have to gain by leaving?
What do the children have to gain by leaving?
Who can I talk to about my problem?
What are my bottom line expectations for the future?
What am I willing to live without for the rest of my life?
What price am I paying for "peace"?
----Is it too high?
-----How long have I been paying it?
-----Are my children paying a price?
-----Is it too high?
-----How will it affect them five years from now?
Without change, what will I be like five years from now?
What do I want?
How can I get it?
What am I willing to do to get it?
I hope these questions help you to think about things. Please keep posting and take care of yourself.
Hugs,
Ree
Well we talked tonight, after 2 days of not speaking. I told him that if he hurt me or the kids again, or if he threw things, or scared us anymore, that I would divorce him.
He said that hitting my leg was an accident ( I believe that it was, but he was STILL throwing it in my direction, because he was so mad). He said that mentioning abuse at all was absolutely ridiculous.
He said that I get a tone of voice that just "pushes him over the edge".
Then he brought up the fact that I yell too much, especially at the kids (he is right about that, and I am trying to stop, but my yelling is 100 percent milder than his - I don't scare them, it's more nagging).
So he says "Well, I know what I have to do...but don't you dare get mad at me if I just up and leave the room and not want to talk anymore so I don't blow my top" (which will be all the time, I know it, he is famous for shutting down and not talking about stuff anyway).
Then he says "I know what I need to do....so what are YOU going to do to change?" Hmmm...he loves to turn things around doesn't he.
The conversation ended after he said that the reason he makes all the decisions in the family is because his decisions are always right and mine are always wrong. I told him that was a **&#$% lie and then he said "ok, now you are cursing, this conversation is over and you will have to wait another day to talk to me about it" and he left.
CL-Blueliner4