Abuse and 12 Step Groups

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Abuse and 12 Step Groups
7
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:53am
Hi all. I had to come out of the lurking state due to something that happened to me recently.

On the advice of my therapist I went to a few Adult Children of Alcoholics 12-step meetings. Though my parents are not alcoholics and rarely drink, they were dysfunctional and borderline abusive/neglectful. My mother was very verbally abusive and manipulative, but my father's abuse was basically just that he allowed my mother to terrorize us verbally and did nothing about it, which I have had a lot of anger about. I can forgive my mother more easily because I feel strongly that she has been plagued by mental illness all her life, and just cannot handle her rage that stemmed from her own abusive childhood. In their own way (which wasn't good enough) they did love us, but because of the abuse/neglect, I have suffered from low self esteem all of my life. No wonder I married my husband, who has all the abusive qualities that my mother has but without the screaming. I didn't recognize it at first because he is so sly and underhanded that until we got married he put on his best face and I thought he was the greatest thing going.

From the very first night we got married, he has been verbally and mentally abusive, manipulative, critical, demeaning, insulting, controlling, degrading and humiliating me. And he does it all without raising his voice or even as though he is appearing to do what he is doing. On the surface he seems like a nice guy, but underneath, LOOK OUT! He has done more to damage me all with a smile on his face and while constantly proclaiming himself to be a wonderfully loving husband and father. I am terrified of him because I have experienced what he is capable of when he is angry---all without raising his voice or lifting his hand, and all while the outside world thinks he is a gentleman. I think he is the reincarnation of Satan. Oh, and actually there were two instances of physical abuse where I was not seriously injured. Mostly he works by a "mental torture" routine where he criticizes everything I do, corrects, admonishes, instructs and scolds me over the most routine and menial matters (he will actually follow me around the house as I do chores and point out minute by minute all the things I'm doing wrong!), and then when I get frustrated and try to defend myself he will look at me with this menacing smirk and say, "Look how crazy you are. Look how upset you get over nothing. YOU have a big problem! You need help, don't you!" He has done things to degrade and humiliate me that I don't even want to put down in print!

Now I know why the gal he dated before me dumped him pretty quickly. She was much smarter than I was.

Because of all these issues, my counselor and I thought I would benefit from some of those meetings. What a disaster! I came out feeling worse about myself than ever before. Whenever I tried to bring up what my husband was doing to me, someone would immediately say to me, "In these groups we only talk about what WE are doing wrong! Now what is it that YOU could do better with your husband? What are some of the ways you could improve your treatment of HIM?"

Well, considering he insults, degrades, humiliates, lies, manipulates, controls, and debases me on a regular basis, and I'm not doing any of those things to him, should I bake more cookies for him? Is that what I have been doing wrong????

I mean, isn't what I'm doing rather a moot point????

Has anyone had this experience in 12-step groups or is this just me with another stroke of bad luck??? I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself, but it is so hard to find support with this kind of thing. And of all places I thought a 12-step group would be the most supportive place ever, so I'm very disappointed.

Thanks,

Monique



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:49pm
Monique,

I think you went to the wrong kind of support group. Look into the resources at your local domestic violence shelter for a support group for victims of abuse. I have not tried any 12 step programs, but it isn't working for you obviously. Contact your shelter and they will give you information about a group that will help you cope with the problem you are dealing with. I'm sorry to hear that your husband has treated you the way he has, but I'm also glad you have recognized the problem. Best of luck to you.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:00pm
Gosh, I am sorry that you had such a bad experience at your ACOA meeting. I also attend ACOA meetings on a weekly basis - my dad is an alcoholic - and I suffered horrible verbal and emotional abuse from him all my life (until I left at the age of 23). Then I married my abuser. So, now here I am 32 and living my life free of abuse for the first time EVER. My ACOA meetings are instrumental to my mental health and emotional well being, and I am concerned that you had such an unfulfilling experience. I have been going for about 4-5 years now.

It's true that in these 12-step programs you are encouraged to keep the focus on yourself, not the abuser/alcoholic. But that does not mean you tolerate abusive behaviors.... but keeping the focus on yourself means taking care of youself, detaching, focusing on what you need to do to take care of YOU.

I suggest that you find another meeting to attend. In my area, there are several meetings at different locations. Honestly, every meeting has a different mix of people and also a different "feel" to it. Try another meeting. Keep going back. If you don't feel comfortable opening up and speaking right away, just sit there and listen. Read some of the literature, read some of the daily meditation books. I have really benefited from my experiences. Not only from growing up in al alcoholic home, but it changed my way of life. I am healthier (mentally) now than I have ever been. And for once, I am truly taking care of *ME* instead of worrying about everyone else.

Again, I am sorry that you had a bad experience. Please don't give up on it yet, try to find a different meeting to attend. Al-a-Non also has meetings that will focus on living with an active alcoholic/abuser. (I put abuser in there because to me, they are one in the same.)

take care and good luck,

jenny

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:46pm
Hi Monique! I'm sorry you had such a bad experience, but I agree with the previous poster, I think it was atypical. The 12-steps do teach you how to live YOUR life and detach from the alcoholic/abuser. They also focus on the concept of being unable to control many things in life and that you need to surrender some things; i.e. your family member's alcoholism, to a higher power.

One thing that occurs to me, however, is while a 12-step program may work in dealing with an abuser, I'm not sure that alcoholics and abusers are one in the same. Both suffer from some kind of mental illness, that's for sure. But abusers tend to WANT to hurt YOU. I think that alcoholics do it accidentally as a symptom of their disease. What's the difference? I'm having a difficult time articulating that.

I think the odds of recovery are higher for alcoholics than they are for abusers. I'm an alcoholic/addict in recovery, myself. When I was active, I think my conduct could have on many occasions been described as abusive, although I never saw it that way. And I certainly never intended to hurt anyone. That's the key difference, Monique. It's the INTENT. As I understand it from my T, abusers INTEND to cause you harm. Not that it makes the abuse any easier, but I think with many alcoholics/addicts, the abuse is a side-effect of the disease of alcohoism/abuse. I think one of the key things you need to address during your recovery is that the abuser INTENDED to hurt YOU. That's an extremely damaging thing to feel.

Plus, when living with an abuser you can't afford to feel like you don't have control over the situation. You need to understand that you are the ONLY one who can control your own safety - by leaving! or getting out of the abuser's physical proximity.

Many family members of alcoholics are purely dealing with the negative consequences of the disease; i.e. irresponsibility, unaccountability, unpredictability, etc. Yes, some alcoholics become abusive, but there are many, many other side=effects of the disease that aren't hurtful or intended to be hurtful. Not the case with an abuser. When you agree to live with or maintain a relationship with an alcoholic/addict, you are agreeing to have insanity, unpredictability, drama, chaos, and who knows what else in your life, maybe even abuse. But when you agree to live with or maintain a relationship with an abuser, you are agreeing to keep placing yourself in a physically or emotionally damaging situation. PERIOD.

I don't know whether I've been able to make my point here, but as someone who knows and lives the 12 steps, I'm not sure I'd look to them as a coping mechanism for the emotional trauma in your situation. I think they might be helpful to you in terms of dealing with detachment and co-dependency issues. But as the victim of abuse, I think you need to reach out for different support that's more oriented toward actual abuse.

Well, just my rather jumbled two cents for you, Monique. Best of luck finding some support that works for you!

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:36pm
Monique,

I had never been to a support group or counseling of any kind until a few months ago. I went to the domestic abuse support group at our local YWCA. It is nothing like you described and I feel an important sense of support, encouragement and belonging (It is hard to talk about some of these issues around people who haven't experienced it.) I'm guessing that maybe you'd feel more comfortable discussing issues regarding your husband in this type of group.

I am wondering what your therapist's advice is regarding your husband's behavior? Why didn't she recommend a domestic abuse group instead? Does HE/SHE assign you some of the blame for the abuse? Expect you to take responsibility for your part?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 8:39pm
Hi all and thanks for your responses. I went back to my therapist today and told her about my experience with ACOA and she felt that since I didn't feel I got the support I was looking for that I should just go to the Abuse group for now. I was actually the one who had suggested that maybe that kind of support group would be good since I had quite a dysfunctional past, and I heard so many great things about these groups. She just said I could try it if I was interested but wasn't really pushing me to go, and now I see why. She has been telling me all along that what has happened to me is not my fault and his abuse is not my responsibility. That I did nothing to cause it, that whatever behavior I change in myself will not cause him to change his, that he will continue to abuse no matter what I do. So hearing the people at the 12-step meeting telling me I needed to look at and change my behavior really confused me.

But after talking to my counselor I do understand better what the 12-steps try to do in that my changing my behavior will help me, even though it won't do anything to get him to change. For now, I need to be with people who have been through the kind of trauma I have been through with regards to spousal abuse so I think I am going to go to that group instead, although I have to admit that I did hear some very inspiring stories from the 12-step group as well, so I don't want to give up on that entirely.

But again, for now, since my abusive husband is the most pressing issue, I have to deal with that first. If I ever get the nerve to leave him (hopefully) I someday want to go back to the ACOA group and maybe explore the issues that happened in my family of origin, the abuse I experienced there that caused me to marry the kind of animal that I did. Because I know that is the reason.

Thanks everyone and have a safe weekend!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 9:34am
I thought of you when I peeked ahead to read tomorrow's meditation in my book, The Language of Letting Go. I think that the 12-step programs don't necessarily have to focus on alcholism as much as co-dependency. I wish there were more 12-step recovery programs for co-dependency around, because that is really what we all need. I agree with the poster that said INTENT is the key. I totally agree. Just this morning, I was thinking about forgiveness. I was able to forgive my alcoholic father for his abuse as I was growing up after realizing that his behavior is in direct correllation to his drinking. My stbxh doesn't have any excuse - sure he has lots of excuses, but he is/was still in total control of his behaviors and treatment of me. How can you begin to forgive someone that INTENTIONALLY abused and hurt you? I don't think I ever will forgive him.

Anyway, what I wanted to share with you today, is the following meditation from The Language of Letting Go.

take care,

jenny

****************************************************

Taking Care of Ourselves

We often refer to recovery from codependency and adult child issues as self care. Self care is not, as some may think, a spin off of the me generation. It isnt self-indulgence. It isnt selfishness - in the negative interpretation of that word.

Were learning to take care of ourselves, instead of obsessively focusing on another person. Were learning self-responsibility, instead of feeling excessively responsible for others. Self care also means tending to our true responsibilities to others; we do this better when were not feeling overly responsible.

Self care sometimes means, me first, but usually, me too. It means we are responsible for ourselves and can choose to no longer be victims.

Self care means learning to love the person were responsible for taking care of - ourselves. We do not do this to hibernate in a cocoon of isolation and self indulgence; we do it so we can better love others, and learn to let them love us.

Self-care isnt selfish; its self-esteem.

Today, God, help me love myself. Help me let go of feeling excessively responsible for those around me. Show me what I need to do to take care of myself and be appropriately responsible to others.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 3:20pm
Double post here....

iamarock: LOL...I have the SAME book and every morning I start out with those meditations and a cup of coffee. Its great...and I highly RECOMMEND it for anyone who is trying to recover from ANYTHING.

monique: I could've written your original post...as your situation is very similar to my experience (with the abusive mother and father who did nothing and marrying the husband who is emotionally/mentally/psychologically abusive). I think you (and your T) have it right....start with the abuse issues, and THEN once you get a good handle on that, then start back with ACOA or CoDA groups. Though, you did have a bad experience with the first meeting, you are probably too new at decipher his abuse with your own stuff. Take it one step at a time. Work on the abuse first---its most pressing. However, many of us probably grew up in abusive homes that set the stage to getting married to men like this. I know I just found a website the addresses this stuff wonderfully ( www.joy2meu.com ). Only when you can decipher the abuse from the codependency stuff can you address it. That's where I am at right now. The ACOA group IS to focus on YOUR behavior---but that is NOT what the abuse is about. Your behavior looks at your childhood wounds to find how and why you got to the place you are at---but this is NOT the same as blaming you for the abuse. NO ONE deserves abuse. But, in these childhood environments we certainly learned to be the 'victims' many of times because we grew up in a home that did not protect us, nuture us as parents should. This is not "blaming" the parents, per se, but to provide an understanding on how this came to be.

Keep working at it...it comes in time. Good luck..and BIG HUGS

dharma