is this abuse and does he really want to change?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2011
is this abuse and does he really want to change?
8
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 10:47am
I posted about this on another board yesterday and someone reffered me to this board, so I apologize to those who have already read my story.
My husband and I have been together 8 years and married 5. I am 30, he is 37 and we have a 2 1/2 year old son together as well as an 8 1/2 year old son who is mine from a previous relationship, but whose father has never been in the picture.
I believe my husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive throughout our entire marriage. He is extremely critical and is always telling me what I did wrong or how I can do it better. If I don't agree with him or I mess it up in some way I'm called stupid,idiot, incompetant. He often calls me a bad mom, though he helps very little. A recent example of his behavior is a couple of months ago when we moved in to our new house I went out and bought my son bunk beds, as the others were old and we had thrown them out. DH knew we had to buy them, so that wasn't the problem. The problem was when he got them out of the box to put them together ( which he almost never does) he started yelling at me b/c he said they were exactly like the old beds. This was not true, they were a completely different style and finish, the only thing similar was the angle that the ladder sits. I pointed this out to him and he called me an idiot and said I am never allowed to pick out furniture without him again b/c I'm obviously not capable.
We also recently got in to a conversation about either the husband or wife being more attractive and he went on to tell me he viewed himself as more attractive b/c he "modeled in NYC" and that 99% of men would probably feel otherwise, but I got the 1% who didn'.
I have caught him talking to women on video chat, his phone, IM, and email many times and have been told there is nothing wrong with it, and if I have a problem it is b/c I'm insecure. He would talk with these women very explicitly, yet only be interested in sex with me every other month or so, and if I ever initiated he would say that made him want it less.
I also recently lost about 10 lbs. I'm 5 ft tall and went from 113 lbs. To 103 lbs. He told me I finally look "really hot" again, but could probably get down to 90 lbs and look even better. He has always said at my height I should be about 90 lbs.
I could go on forever with examples of his behavior, but basically, over time I have fallen out of live with him. I told him this nearly 2 weeks ago and that I was looking for another place. He got very emotional and begged me to stay. He said he knows he's been abusive and needs help and that if I don't give up on him things can be better than ever. He said we are soulmates and he doesn't want to be without me. He bought me a bday gift for the first time in 7 years, a $235 Pandora bracelet. This is the first time he's ever bought me jewelry. He took me out for my birthday and even arranged the sitter. This is the same man that has always wanted to spend more time playing cards with friends or other activities, who skipped vacations and family get togethers. He has been glued to me and the kids and talking about how much he loves our " family time". He also keeps telling me we need more time together, when for years I'd have to beg him to have a date once every 6 months and he'd want to go back home almost as soon as we got wherever we were going. He really does seem like a different person and we see a counselor tomorrow. My problem is I don't really have faith that this is going to be a permanent change....and I still don't feel "in love" with him.
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Registered: 01-04-2000

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004

If you are going to go to counseling, be sure to get one who is recommended by your local domestic abuse center.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2011
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 10:09pm
What is surprising, though is that he actually is admitting guilt and taking blame about a lot of things right now. I just don't know if it is possible for him to change for good.
Avatar for queen_brat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-25-2011 - 11:35pm

The chance is higher that it is abuse and the so called change will only last till you are back to "normal", which means taking what ever he says or does and not talking about leaving. Even if he was to change you have to ask yourself if it is to late for him to change. You said you no longer are in love with him and even if he changes that is something that may never come back. Only you know if you could stay with someone you are no longer in love with or you want to leave.

It is rare for abusers to change and then some who do change simply find another way to be abusive. Only 1 or 2 percent, can never remember which one it is but I lean towards 1, of abuser change. My theory on why the percent is so low is that an abuser is not strong enough to admit they are the problem, which yours has but there is more to it, and not only put in the work it takes to change but also the time. Those who admit they need to change and are the problem a high percent of them do it because it is what you want to hear and what they think will get you to stay the easiest. Those who feel that way think just saying OK its my fault will get the victim to stay. Then you have those who admit it and put some work into it but fail to realize it takes time to undo the crap they have done and when they do not see the results they want right away they give up and think what is the point when I am trying but my victim doesn't think it is enough, Only a few are strong enough to get past that and truly change and even if they do by the time they do it may be to late and they have to be willing to accept that but again to often they can't.

I responded to your last post and read your original one on my phone earlier so not remembering all of what was said. Going to go back and read that one and see if I want to add anymore. But was posting now to add to what someone said about counseling. Everything I have read and heard about counseling when there has been DV is that you shouldn't to joint counseling first, that you both need individual counseling first to work on what draws you to an abuser and what makes him the way he is. Once you have done that then you can work on fixing what you have if it is what you want.


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Registered: 04-21-2008

Hi everyone.

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Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Mon, 10-31-2011 - 11:06am

Ahhh, fallgirl, I really wish I could give you better news about your h, but I'm in total agreement with everyone else who has responded to you.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010

Cajunharmony....you have described my husband. Completely and utterly HIM. I sit here crying as I just came back from an attorney's office filing for divorce for the 2nd time. The first time he mananged to get friends andn HIS family to talk me out of it. While my family are in dismay...they feel they have lost me. He is a totally controling man and will not have me have any sayso in our household. (HE is the man of the

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001

Wantslove, it grieves me to hear the pain and sadness in your "voice".

Mama Harmony