Is this abuse? IM confused.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2006
Is this abuse? IM confused.....
7
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 10:00am

I am not sure what to do ....I have been marrid for 11 years ,three kids ...My H wAS ALWAYS SOOO Jealous and posessive with me .Would jump on other guys for talking to me etc.

This is the reason I am dealing with this ..I had an affair ....Two years agoand I ahve been dealing with his wrath ever since .The only reason I had an affair is bc When I told H that I wanted a D he told me no , he owuld kill him self , if I left .SO out of anger and resentment for him,I started to see another man ,who I fell deeply in love with .

he has been physically abuseive once , he hit me in the face bc some guy was talking to me ,I guess he thought I wanted him .When we get into an argument he hides my keys ,so I cant leave ..
The present situation is this : he calls me at least 30 times a day ....fusses at me for never "wanting to have anything to do with him " he throws fits about me being on the internet (bc it was an online Affair ) He hit the redial button and questions me about who I have called ,..The affair is OVER ...and has been for some time ...yet I still get accused of " having another life " "talking to other men " he says there is a reason that you dont want me ,there has to be someone else " (couldnt be the fact that he drives me nuts with his BS )
I was seperated from him for awhile , bc I just couldnt take anymore,It went from phone harassment to "im so sorry , never happen again ,back to "you stupid whore " WHY CANT YOU JUST LOVE ME ???? "So He promised he had changed for the last time ..I believed him ,,,and last night we had a huge fight , bc of the internet ,bc I was online looking at Ebay...I am at the point where I am just ready to throw out the computer and the phone , and just tell peope if they want to conversate they will have to come to my house .
I feel so trapped bc he makes the money , he has never wanted me to work (bc I cant find a job where there are no men working there) So I am dependant on him , and so are my kids .And when I leave him , I just get harassed anyway ....

He is seeing a psychiatrist...but he is not taking his meds.He didnt take them this morning and he called me at 8 30 ,asking me "WHY havent you called me yet ? " I guess you were on the internet !!!!
I said " I didnt call you bc I have three kids that I have to take to school etc.and I was just busy.He goes from nice ,playful,sweet (sending flowers ) to cold hateful , making NO sense at all ....

He was yelling last night saying " if you would just leave otehr men alone I would be fine " I said " alright you guys ,come out of the closet ,no more hiding,he knows about yall !" He didnt think that was very funny .

He gets mad at me bc I cant just bounce right back and be all lovey dovey after he treats me this way ....he thinks I should just forget about it , and let it go , and maybe I could with time , IF HE WOULD STOP !!! but how can I forgive and forget when I KNOW its going to happen again ?

Amber

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:34pm

Hi Amber!

Well You can't forgive and forget because it WILL happen again for sure! It will never get better, it will always get worse and worse unless you get out of this relationship.

He is jealous and possesive because he only wants you to himself. That is one way for him to control you. Over time he will take you away from friends & family, even work because men are there. He has more control over you because you rely on him b/c he works. That is another way of him controlling you. They do it slowly over time that before you know it you have no idea how it happend.

Do not ever tell him about the affair. Or does he already know? I have a feeling that he would do something horrible. He told you he would kill himself to make you stay there. He would make you feel guilty about leaving, so you never will. He would probably then turn it around on you saying you don't care about him.

It seems like he is losing control over you and he is trying to do everything and anything to keep you from leaving him. They will do ANYTHING to keep you there. They will say soo much.. but it is all BS. They will not die without you, he will not kill himself, he will be fine.

That is called the abuse cycle when it goes from yelling at you to I'm sooo sorry. It drove me insane. I did believe my abuser until one day I had enough of it. I needed to get out before it got worse. I gave my abuser chance after chance to get better, but he never did and I don't think he ever will. That is the way he is and he will never change.

Do not throw out the computer & phone - because that is his way of controlling you. He wants you to do that and for you to feel guilty about it. Well you shouldn't. He is trying to make you lose more contact with your friends and family. They do it so secretly.

There is ways for you to leave. You can move somewhere that he won't know about, change your phone numbers so he won't know them, get a restaining order. Are your kids his or from another marriage?

He is seeing a counsellor - but it will take a long time before he makes any changes. Also, he is the one that is changing and he has to convice himself that he WANTS to change. You can't do or say anything to make him change. I wasted a lot of time on my abuser because he said he would change. Maybe he will eventually... but I doubt it.

Only 1% of abusers change... 1%!!

He sounds like the one that does the bouncing from angry to happy. He thinks that you should do exactly what he is doing. Everything is fine when it's fine with him - but that's not the way it works. If he is abusive he doesn't respect you, if he respects you he doesn't abuse you.

I am just saying my opinion on your situation. I went thru sort of the same as what you are going thru now. From the yelling and hurtful names he would call me back to the I'm so sorry it will never happen again. I don't know why I do that, anger just comes over me and I can't stop myself.... blah.. blah.. It's all BS!!!! I posted on this board as well when I has having thoughts about my abuser - and it was a life saver.

Good Luck. Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:03pm

Hi Lauren
Yes My H knows about the affair ,THATS when the abuse started really.Thats why I blame myself for his abuse , and he ALSO blames me ,"If you hadnt chated on me ,I would not feel the way I do ", NOt be suspicious etc

Although bf that ,there were some things ,I dont think I could really consider it "abuse" ...but he was jealous ,posessive ,codependent "I will kill myself if you ever leave me ",He had a very bad temper , and would kick walls and such,He also drinks alot , and has for about 5 years .I thought to myself " this man must really love me , if he cant live without me "

All of my kids are his ...I have been with him since I was 15 .He told me he loved me after one date ,and we were married with our first child when I was 18.

All I EVER hear is about the man that I had the affair with , he will not let it go ,I told him 2 years ago "either hang my by a rope or shut the he*l up " His psychiatrist says that he is obsessed with it ...and with me ....

he also has Bi polar II disorder,paranoid personality disorder ,gen.anxiety disorder,among others .
His " abuse " is not about cleaning the house , or calling me fat etc.Its ALL about other men (that do not exist)

He told me last night , that he hated my family bc they always "plot " against him to get me to leave .( thats the craziet thing I have ever heard ) My family has NEVER done such a thing ....although he DID get in a fist fight with my brother bc he was drunk and thought that one of my brothers friends was standing a little to close to me .And my brother took up for his friend ,after I told him that he had done nothing wrong .

He tells me that I would have the perfect life that I had bf ,if I would just leave other men alone ...and when I AM NOT doing it , I dont know what to say to that .

He HATES me spending time with my family ,and asks me if they are here everytime he calls ,Like my dad (who lives 4 hours from here and I see twice a year )He will call and say "Is your dad there " Im like NO , WHY would he be here ?????" I dont think he even knows where I live ....If my brother comes over for an hour or so , he accuses me of "letting him move in " It is just completly nuts ...everything he says and does makes no sense .
When ( the few friends that I DO stil have ) come over to hang out or something , I cant ever leave the house with them ( bc they may have friends who are guys ) even if its just to go to the store or something .

I beg him to please stop treating me this way ,like last night he was SOOOO mad bc I have a password on my email ,and he doesnt know the password .I just sat and cried ,He causes such trouble or the smallest things .But this morning ,again ,He *promises * he will change his ways .....so that means that I will most likley be back here tomorrow posting something else that he has done ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:34pm

Do not blame yourself for his abuse. The abuse is his problem. It is in him and only he can control his abuse. Please undertand that. It is not your fault. He says if you hadn't cheated on him then everything would be fine - the funny thing about that is he isn't taking any responsibilty about his jealousy issues. He is turning everything around back at you - about you not being able to work because of men around - and is turning it around AGAIN saying if you hadn't of cheated. I totally get how this works. My X used to do this too. I didn't cheat, but before our first date I hooked up with this guy even though I knew I was going on a date with my abuser. He eventually snooped around on my computer and found out all the details about when i hooked up with this othter guy. He then blames me for lying to him thru-out the whole relationship (I don't understand how I lied when I never told him all the details - that's not lying, its just holding back information that you don't need to know... right?) It is now my fault even though you went snooping - and he never took responsibility.

Being jealous/possesive/manipulative/I will kill myself/bad temper are ALL KEY SIGNS OF ABUSE. Abusers have such a way of doing things to our minds. He says he can't live without you to make you feel guilty about leaving. My abuser always said that to me.. I did believe him for a lone time - but eventually I caught up to him and could see thru him. He can live without me, he will not kill himself if I leave - he will be fine... and do the exact abusive things he did to me as he will do to the next girl.

It is very unhealthy for children to be in this realationship. They are seeing what their parents are doing and they will think it's right - but reality is... it is wrong. Children do not know any better than how their parents act.

He is trying to keep you from your family. He only want you to himself and that's all. He is being very possesive and it is wrong. My abuser did the same thing. Tried to keep my family from coming to visit me, or me to go visit them. He would always turn it around on him (being very selfish) saying that nobody cares about him and his feeling... but reality is, he didn't care about my feelings at all.

He is not sorry for his actions. If he was sorry it wouldn't happen again like last night... and he would not be saying sorry this morning. Trust me... it will never get better. He sounds like he has A LOT of issues to deal with. He might be seeing a pshycologist, but that doesn't mean anything. Only he can if he wants to. Just remember 1%

Have you been seeing a counsellor or anything?? Have you checked out the board website. It is http://cl-wishful78.tripod.com/RDAHomePage.cfm

Also, delete all your history and cookies & such on the computer. You don't need him to find what you have been looking at and freak out....

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 5:00pm

I knew it ....after promises of change this morning ....he just called to say " I have one more question and then I will stop" I said WHAT? Then he asked me AGAIN "what did you do when you went to New Orleans ?" (this is a question I am asked at least once every week.

To which I replied (as I ALWAYS do ) I did nothing wrong ,I went with a friend (while he and I were seperated 4 MONTHS ago)he says " I just dont want anymore secrets in our Marriage "

UGH NO wonder my hair is falling out ....Is this repetitive question crap typical?

NOW I am being yelled at bc I dont feel like going out tonight ....He says " its just that you dont want to go with me , if it was some other guy ,you would want to do something ."I said I thoguht you werent gonna do this again ...he said "you wont let me change " *shrugs* bc I didnt feel like going out ?




Edited 8/25/2006 5:14 pm ET by sweetlilamber
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 5:13pm

With me and my abuser - yes it was very repetetive. Once we got in a big fight because I wouldn't tell him how big the biggest penis was that I've seen. I am serious! Can you believe it. I wouldn't tell him... he totally blew up in my face, threw it back at me and now it is my fault right?? It always came up, and he would always ask me again. Sorry if I couldn't remember..... I guess next time I am with a guy I should take a measuring tape and measure!!

He still brings up how at a wedding I danced with a guy from high school and he seen a picture of it. He still brings up how there was a sparkle in my eye, and the smile on my face that I loved this guy. He thinks there was something going on with him. Hello, can I not dance with a friend from high school?? He actually brought that up AGAIN on our very last conversation... a year after the wedding. He never got over it, and never will!!!!

Oh, he went snooping on my computer one time and found a bunch of msn messages that were saved on my computer. He then asks me about all these guys that I am friends with and why i talked to them... etc... This one guy really bothered him because he sent me drunk messages at like 4 in the morning. He actually asked me about that the last time I talked to him too........

They will never get over it. My abuser never takes responibility, and all these problems always got turned around back at me!!! Always was my fault. At least I know I wasn't at fault for his mistakes.

It's not you that has the problems... it's HIM

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 3:30pm

URGHHH!!!!! That makes me so mad!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Tue, 08-29-2006 - 10:52am
If you have to ask, it's most likely abuse. Just remember one thing: You don't HAVE to "forgive and forget" anything. "My" Leon-the-Loony tried to use that one a LOT. You're not obligated to forgive or forget, especially with the knowledge they will not change. So don't let him guilt you if you can't/don't want to.
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