Abuse resulting from financial dispute

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2005
Abuse resulting from financial dispute
4
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 2:25pm

Hello!

I am new here, sorry for the long vent! I am very sad about my current marital state: non stop verbal abuse or no verbal communication at all -- originating from financial dispute. I am looking for any advise if possible.

We have been married about 9 years and have two small children. We both work FullTime. I am not really thinking of ending the marriage yet, we really are together just for the children's sake with very little (or no) feeling for each other. When we married, we agreed on a 50% financial responsibility for household expenses/mortgages etc. However, I landed up putting down the downpayment for our house and several other payments as he had no savings at all at that time (that should have rung a bell!).

His problem is he keeps sending his own family (parents/brother etc) so much money (they live in a fully paid-off house, own realestate etc) that he has made absolutely no contribution towards household savings in the last 3-4 years! Ideally he should have atleast been able to save $1000/month after paying 50% of household expenses. There has been times he has asked me to pay some of his share (as he didnt have enough money)! What annoys me is that we have two children to take care of, and he puts no thought into savings for unexpected expenses, future, college, etc! He refuses to discuss what he is doing with "his" money. If ever asked or questioned, he blows up into untterly disgusting verbal abuses & says how self-centered and mean I am. He is totally against discussing any financial plans going forward as a family beyond the 50% contribution that he makes.

My Questions:
(a) Am I being unreasonable in my demand to know what he does with his money, especially since he often falls short of paying his share?
(b) How can I get him to discuss a financial plan for the family?
(a) Is there any way I can find out what is he doing with his money - where is it flowing! He receives no paper bank statements, its all online and I dont have password obviously!

My options:
(a) Stop bringing up the issue, and keep shut and accept things as they are. And just count on my saving which isnt really much for 2 children, and my retirement .... needless to say job these days are so volatile!
(b) Take legal action ... dont know what to do, where to start?

Any feedback, thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry to take up so much of your time!

Thanks,
Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 2:37pm

I have a friend that was in the exact same situation you are in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 6:18pm

Welcome ivil....


I agree with what Jody has told you.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 11:40pm

Wow, I had to post to this one because I had a serious flash back when reading it. It sounds like what I went through. That isn't to say it is exactly like my situation so please take it for what it is.

But both myself and my AHL were working full time, making the same amount of money, raising one small child, and paying a mortgage. It was supposed to be a joint account arrangement. He was assuring ALL bills were paid on time so I did not see the account information. I would always get scolded for spending money, for asking him what he was doing with the money, or for questioning anything about the money. I was also scolded for not making enough money and he frequently told me that I could not possibly survive without him as we are constantly short on cash. I eventually did the math in my head (why I didn't sooner, I just don't know....wearing blinders I suppose). I thought 'hey! why are we always short?!' Our household expenses were X. Yet we were always negative in the account about one quarter of X or more. And we were making 2 to 3 times X. I approached him and asked 'how can we possibly be short when we make 2 to 3 times X?' He blew up anytime the topic came up. I let it drop, until I chose to leave him. Then I thoroughly investigated. I saw huge sums of money leaving the account each month to some unknown place. It was on the order of thousands. The bank said in order to find out where it went, I would have to pay some large sum of money, which I keep as a possibility should it come to it. I also was able to confirm he was taking out approximately 1000 to 2000 per month from bank machines. And yet there were maybe one or two dinners out per month, one or so trips to maybe a museum per month, and no real purchases to account for it.

I calculated how much disappeared, that could not be accounted for by bills, and came to a figure of over 100,000. I can't believe how I fell for it. I also figured he was leaving me with a maximum of 100 to 200 extra per month after bills, and sometimes with less than the amount needed for bills, causing us to go negative frequently. I also noticed that the cost of bills, plus the 100 or 200 extra if he was gracious, was actually LESS than my pay check alone. In other words, he was taking his entire pay check AND part of mine. Meanwhile I was supporting everyone. On top of it, he liquidated all investments upon my filing for divorce, claiming he needed to start a new life.

My opinion is that the moment someone is being vague or protective about what is supposed to be joint funds, then a red flag is waving like mad. It needs more investigation. Try going to the bank and getting the historical transactions. Bank card use is registered under each individual card so you should be able to tell when cash was taken out by him. Check throught the records and cross out all transactions which are explainable, and see what you are left with. Anything you can't explain, look into further. But for goodness sake, don't tell him you are doing this and make sure he never finds out. If he is hiding money, he will blow up for sure to be caught red handed. In my case there is little hope to recover ANY of the money he took. There are 3 countries involved in the mess (long story) and that makes it next to impossible. But if you ever found evidence that money was being siphened, take the evidence to a lawyer and ask for advice on how to recover it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2005
Fri, 06-03-2005 - 12:32pm


Thanks for sharing your experiences. I really appreciated it and admire your ability to deal with your situations so well.

Our case is a bit complicated and I am not even sure what I can do about it!!
We each maintain a separate accounts (w/o the other person's name). And have a joint account as well. Our paychecks go to individual accounts, and we each pour in X amount into the joint account per month. Usually our household is able to run fine with 2X amount/month. The trouble comes when we have an extra big expenditure (like painting a house, travel), then he complains he has no money left in his personal account to pay anything beyond X! Although, he gets a take-home salary of atleast $1000 more than X/month.

Also, so far I had been paying off the excess from my account thinking it was a onetime deal, but lately I have gotton hard about it and refuse to pay a dime more than X as well! Obviously that has strained our relationship. If I ever ask him what he is doing with his money beyond X, he says it is none of my f***ing business. So I have stopped asking for the sake of peace at home (we have two small children). As long we have jobs, I sure think it is our responsibility to save some for our children's future/college funds and for our own security sake. I feel so sad to think that he has no savings at all and if there is a catastrophy, I have to get the boat sailing! Why should it be only my responsibility? Besides I really would like to know where his money is going!

As a wife, dont I have any rights to know what is happeneing to his money? Is there a way to track his personal account (I know bank refuses it as it is a violation of privacy)!

Any sugegstions would be appreciated!
Thanks,