Abuse Stinks
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| Tue, 07-12-2005 - 5:51pm |
Hi,
I really don't know what to type. I need help with this.
I've been mentally and also physically abused for so long it's just become life. I don't want to think about any of it or remember it but I can't forget it.
He left me and the kids last week with no food or money when I told him that I wouldn't take it anymore. He keeps calling me to tell me how horrible I am, that I ruined his life so I deserve to be treated poorly and that he's replacing me. I keep thinking it's the apolgy call. Why I don't know. I want him gone. I want it to stop.
I don't know what to do. It's so hard to deal with. Everything is my fault. I have heart disease so I'm weak and tired all the time. He say I'm lazy and don't do anything, that I don't make any money so therefore I don't deserve anything.
This is the begining of my story.
He says he wishes I was dead.
I've been with him since I was 16. I'm now 32. He was never perfect but he's become a monster.
Help me

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Hi Antique, welcome -
I think we might be able to give you some assistance, if not actual assistance, then just somewhere to vent.
CL-Blueliner4
I'm afraid of what will happen if I go to a shelter and "expose" him. He's at the point where he can appear and act nice but really be evil. He's very good at convincing people he is nice and charming and I'm insane.
I borrowed money from my sister for food. Not something I can really expect from her. He claims he's paying her back. He wanted to know what I told her. He doesn't want to look bad. I didn't tell him the truth. I'm afraid.
Thanks
Expose him?
CL-Blueliner4
Who cares what others think. My Stbx sounds very much like yours, very charming blah blah blah. You know what he's like and don't let others that have never seen his bad side or more likely look the other way as was in my case. We have been separated for 11 mos and he has cried the blues to almost everyone we knew. At times it was difficult to walk down the strret with my head held high but I do now because no matter what he tells anyone you know what he is capable of. You need to be safe and don't have to stoop to his level by exposing him. Again you know what he's like, you know how he has destroyed your self esteem who cares what others think as long as your safe!!
Remember you are a wonderful sane person it is him who has the problem!!! Good Luck
Welcome to the board antique...
I am in agreeance w/the others so I will prevent from sounding like a broken record.
I'm sorry you're going through this but kudos to you for taking the first step to escape. Now if you want to stop the calls you CAN get a PFA (protection from abuse) from your local police department. This may be the next step for you to consider taking. Just a thought.
=^..^= Brenda
Overcoming domestic violence since October 2004
http://surviving-domestic-violence.blogspot.com
Hey, antique, welcome. Two things: like everyone said, shelters are confidential. They will not tell anyone where you are, especially him. And you do not have to tell anyone where you've been or who's providing you services, ever. Even if your family asks, you can say, I'm getting help from a lot of places and would like to keep that confidential. I'm sure they know already.
The other thing: the shelter staff will believe YOU. They know batterers, victims, and survivors. They will understand and take your side. My ex was very subtle and I never said a word to anyone. In the past few months, I've developed an amazing support system. They believed me before I fully believed myself. I was worried because the ex wanted to talk with the children's therapist recently (joint custody, long story), and she just said, "I've heard it all." I worried no longer.
And it's none of his business what you told her. If you're not free to say, "I can have a conversation with my sister" then you both deserve to see you protected from him.
Take care & keep us posted.
Welcome to our little section of the web.
Leaving is hard no one here will kid you on that, but in the end it is so worth it. I spent 7 years with my abuser and left last Aug. He too could be sweet and charming, but say the meanest thing he could think of to me without a thought. One day he ran me off the road where I work at and threatened to kill me. Someone stopped to ask if everything was okay. He turned around and said in a perfectly calm voice that everything was fine and thanks for stopping. Meanwhile I was in tears shaking my head no and looking terrified. In the end though, he exposed himself in court. My advocate from the shelter said she had never seen anyone go from calm to rage that quick. He even got himself thrown out of court that day.
Don't think of a shelter as like a homeless shelter where there's no privacy and things get taken from you. I go to a shelter every week for counseling. It's more of a safe house. Everyone has their own bedroom with your children and then shares the main living room, kitchen and bathroom. The safe house is located where no one would ever think of and everyone who comes and goes signs a form saying they will not divulge where the safe house is. There is 2 locked doors and you must buzz to get in and there are cameras also. Shelters take a holistic approach and help with medical, legal, housing, counseling and any other transitional needs. They work on a sliding scale so money will not be an issue. They have a lawyer there also to help you.
I know you said that he wishes you were dead. Not to scare you, but who's to say he won't decide to take matters into his own hands and actually do it. Abusers know what they are doing and that is why he doesn't want to be exposed. He knows what he is and doesn't want to give up the perks of his behavior. Abusers have a large sense of entitlement, which causes them to demand more and more than you could ever possible give.
Be safe and call your local shelter. Even if he would call they would just tell him flatly that they cannot release any client names and will neither confirm or deny anything.
Jennifer
Thank you all.
I feel better today. Stronger. More like myself.
I don't know how seriously to take his threat..
He's as far as I know involved with some scary people. He's said in the past that he could have them kill me and he would tell them how he wanted it done. That threat was if I ever told anyone what he does.
I don't think he really would though. I don't know.
He's telling me that he wants nothing to do with me. I think he will just stay away if I don't irrate him.
Crazy isn't it.
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