Abuser attempted suicide- help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Abuser attempted suicide- help!
19
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 1:48am

I posted this on the domestic abuse support forum also, before I found this one.

Help please!!!! My husband has been abusive for the past year, but only physically abusive once. He choked me several times one night and I left the next morning. I'm in another state, and can't get a restraining order from my state or his state until he comes where I am or I go back for my car/clothes/etc. He's been harassing me daily since I left right before christmas, he keeps apologizing - but he's still making threats to destroy everything I own and to "make a road trip" to where I am and threatened to kill himself if I didn't "come home". He's active duty military and his command knows about everything, but they couldn't force him to get a psych evaluation if he told them he wouldn't kill himself. Last night he slit his wrists and called me this morning from the hospital. I don't know what to do!!! I feel so bad, like it is somehow my fault; but then I also feel angry at him because I think he might just be trying to get me to come back. He required less than 15 stitches on each arm. I think that means he cut "across" and not the long way (which I think shows that it's more of a cry for attention/help than an actual attempt to end his life, plus he called the ambulance himself). Anyone else been in this situation or know of any resources? Please help!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 10:02pm
I finally managed to find out about my healthcare situation - and I can now find a doctor and get the care I need; I'm so happy!!! Besides the depression, I also have chronic low back pain and Patello-Femoral Pain Syndrome and have been without medication for that also. I think once I've got the pain under control and some anti-depressants and counseling that I'll be much better. Also - the Navy is being really crappy about the situation; now they are telling me I can't even get a Military Protective Order if I go out there to get my car and all my clothing. Guess why? If they issue one and he has to leave the apartment, if I take anything that he says is his - it gets them in a big mess so they refuse to issue one. How messed up is that? Oh well; the Navy is designed to ONLY take care of their own, and ignore the family members/victims' needs. The Family Advocacy Program people even told me that the Navy is different from Army/Air Force/Marines/Coast Guard in that those branches are more geared towards helping the victims and the Navy's main interest is to rehabilitate the abuser. The latest advice - call the local police department when I get there and ask for a police escort; and make sure that when I file for divorce - I should file it in the state I'm from (and live in now) instead of the state he's in so that I don't have to fly out there for the hearings. This is ridiculous, but at this point it's all I've got. Also - he hasn't called, sent email or text messages for about 48 hours now. I don't know if this means he's on the road driving out here, or if he finally got the picture, or if he actually did kill himself. I guess I'll find out sooner or later. Thanks to everyone who posted and everybody who took the time to read my messages!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 3:01pm
I don't live in California but I know what you're going through. My H is retired from the navy and when he first started abusing me, I was in individual therapy at the time, and ended up telling the therapist what happened. Next thing I know, his CO, or XO, can't remember which, indicated to h that he had been contacted through the navy family service center for the incident that happened the previous weekend. Next thing I know, h is cussing me out on the base and telling me "you've f***** up my career, my life"....blah blah blah. Next thing I know, he and I were "ordered" to anger management and marriage counseling. Well h was against going to either one but he was ordered to go. We went to anger management for a week (think it was a week class, can't remember) then to counseling. Well he was dead against going to a 3rd party on our "problem"...we went but only for a few weeks, obviously not long enough because as of today, 10 years later, he's still doing the same s*** as then. So I know what you're going through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 3:06pm
When I talked to a local attorney here, I was told that I would have to file in our state (for divorce) but not in my homestate. They told you, you can file in the state you're in now? I thought it had to be filed in the state that you and the spouse lived in/living in. Maybe I misunderstood her. I asked if I could file in another state and she said nope.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 4:02pm
I'm in about every legal loophole there is... I couldn't get a RO in CA because I'm not there anymore and he is, couldn't get one in TX because he's not here and I am. I am still a resident of TX because I never changed my DL or car registration and was Active Duty Navy until 30Sep 04 with TX being my home of record, and have been going back and forth from TX to CA since then. Never really stayed in CA with psycho for very long, a week or two at a time... we had a civil ceremony in CA in Sep, but were planning a church wedding in TX for 8Jan, so I stayed here most of the time to do the planning. Military issues can complicate things a lot, but in my case they may actually help....
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 6:12pm
Ohhhhhh....okay that explains your situation. I didn't realize you hadn't changed your DL or the residency status. So you called off the wedding, right? My h is from Texas, small world huh. Did you report any of the abuse to the military, and if so, what did they do? In my case, we both were ordered anger management classes and marriage counseling. I don't think either one of those did any good, maybe for a short period of time, but it wasn't long after that that things were right back the way they was. All this time I guess I was naive like my grandmother said, and wished I had listened to her, as she died almost a year ago. All of my friends and family are supportive of me but I guess as the saying goes "you gotta be in my shoes to know how it is". It's easy for others who haven't gone through what we all ladies have been through, to criticize about why you're still with the guy. My mom used to do it to me all the time, and I guess I'm having to learn it the hard way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 6:33pm
I called off the wedding, sent out "un-invitations" (just cancellation notices), and contacted the Family Advocacy Program. So far they have given me some phone numbers for counseling in my area, given him a psychiatric evaluation, and are "reviewing the case". I will get a decision on Feb. 2 as far as whether or not the case is "substantiated". If it is, he can be ordered into a counseling program, separated from the Navy, or any number of things. I'd like it if he could get some help so he won't do this to anyone else, but I would really like to see some punishment occur (even if it's only for violation of the Military Protective Order), and I would be very happy if he could be ordered to give me some kind of financial support or at least pay me back for some of the $15,000 he forced me to spend....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 6:48pm

Hey lady -


Civil litigation is something that isn't often thought of in abuse cases, but we actually had a poster who filed a civil suit against her XH and she won.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 12:36pm
The Family Advocacy Program, that's who contacted h's commander...I remember now. I don't know even though he's retired now, if I could go back to the navy family center and talk to someone again? Hmm well since he's out now, they probably couldn't do anything but recommend some numbers, like they did to you. You mind me asking what the $15,000.00 was spent for? Legal fees, attorney fees? That's quite a bit of money. So what did he do when he found out that the abuse was reported? I can remember mine being so mad, he was hollering, yelling cuss words, and telling me "you just f***** my life up"....blah blah. I remember crying and begging him to try to understand that I couldn't deal with the abuse and that I had to talk to someone, because he obviously wasn't listening. To this day, he still don't understand what my big deal is. Abuse is a big deal. I swear I wish my mom would let my dad come here and teach the h a thing or 2, as I'm sure dad would love to do that but he don't know everything. I've begged my mom not to tell him everything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Fri, 01-21-2005 - 10:19pm
Hmm.... if you still have a valid dependent ID they may be able to help you out still. As for the $15,000 - he made me pay his car insurance since July (which is really high because he's a crappy driver and he's under 25), the rent on our apartment (even though he was getting a housing allowance of $1275 every month - he kept telling me that the paperwork got screwed up and it hadn't come in yet), all of the furniture, groceries, and every bill we ever got (water, electric, satellite TV). I'm not stupid, he just kept telling me that the money hadn't come in yet and that he would pay me back when it did so that I could start college again. He got SOOO upset when he found out I'd reported him, he called me like 15 times a day, sent me text messages threatening to total my car (which I'd had to leave in our garage) and sell my laptop. Then he slashed his wrists as a last resort to make me feel bad and try to get me to come back. He's fine now, they just made him get some counseling while he was in the hospital (they released him after less than 48 hours). Now that he's finding out he could actually get in trouble, he's begging me to not talk to the FAP people anymore. He disobeyed a direct order from the Command Master Chief of his ship and continued to harass me - so guess what I found out today?!? They have decided to fly him out to the ship tomorrow morning even though it's at sea right now, he can't call me from out there and I think they are not allowing him to use the email system. Great, huh? I also found out that I can use JAG lawyer to get a divorce, so once the FAP case is "substantiated" (I find out on Feb. 2) I'm going to file for divorce. I think the abuse being documented will really help me out in that department, and I'm still trying to get an allotment of $$ from him. I don't know if I'll get anything after the divorce is final, but while I'm married to him he is legally required to provide me with monetary support of some kind. Did your H stay in 20 or more years? I know that you may be able to get some of his retirement pay if that's the case....

Pages