Abuser Programs

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Abuser Programs
5
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 7:15pm
The cat's out of the bag, and my bf now knows all about my "other" life in which I have been educating myself about his abuse, online and via books. He says he wants to change, thinks he can do it by himself (yeah right...if it were that easy, it would happen more often, right?) but I am really pushing for an abuser program. Problem is, I am having trouble finding things on the internet. I read the "Why Does He Do That" book and I'm nervous about an abuser program being a "bad" one. Does anyone know of any good abuser programs in the Los Angeles or north of Los Angeles area?

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 7:37pm

Oh, ho.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 8:09pm
You are really close. I live in LA (or rather, my apt is there, cause he doesn't often "let me" stay there) and he lives north of the valley, so the valley is right smack in the middle of us. I know I could probably use some live support, but I'm pretty socially anxious...always have been, and it's worse now. I don't know how to get around that.

Since he has become enlightened of my secret activity, I can see him looking for more tactics...and getting frustrated when I call him on them, and getting frustrated when he can't think of even newer ones. I can see that he is sad at times... it's either a sadness that he is realizing that he hurt me, or a sadness that I finally caught him at it... I don't know. He hasn't admitted to knowingly controlling me or anything... but he is listening. I'm trying not to give him any info that he can use against me later, just in case.

Either way, I directly told him a little bit ago that he had 3 strikes tops (for the remainder of my tolerance). These "strikes" are his severely intimidating, outrageous outbursts, usually with "mild" violence associated with it. He has hit 2 so far. So, regardless of whether or not he is "working on himself," I intend on going home and staying there the third time until I believe he is successfully working an abuser program, or until forever, whichever I see fit. I haven't been specifically clear about what the consequences will be if he does it again, since I am a little afraid that it will make his 3rd outburst horrific, but I intend on making my intentions clear when I do leave. Does that sound like an ok plan? It will be hard to stick to, but I feel like I should.

I really love this board... just when I think nobody in the world could or would understand, you always do. Thank you so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 8:27pm

Sounds OK, but leave then state your intentions.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 8:56pm
Hi blue,

No, I am not on medication for my social anxiety. I am kind of personally against using it, especially since I haven't yet tried to deal with it through therapy or something. I know that it gets worse with stress, etc, and so it is not always completely unmanageable, like it is now. It is bad enough now that I avoid seeking help even from professors and stuff at school. I even made an appt. with a counselor at school to talk about it before the summer, and flaked on it because I was nervous. I'm beginning to believe that it would be a great idea this semester, though, because I think it would be truly helpful. It's probably only awkward initially, anyway.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 11:19pm
I agree , that you are here on this board and looking for info about a program says a lot. If he really wanted the help and to change, he'd be looking. He is capable of looking, he chooses not to. Be patient with yourself if three times is your limit, and then you slip and go back, maybe you'll get a little stronger in yourself and a little wiser til you get to the point where the behavior is totally not acceptable at all. I read why does he do that, it was excellent.