Abusers and Pornography?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Abusers and Pornography?
10
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 7:21pm

In my reading and talking with others, there seems to be a connection between internet porn and abusers, especially the quiet, withdrawn abusers. You know, the ones that never want to do anything with you, but spend most of their time on the computer. I know that intimacy issues surely come into play here. Has anyone else noticed this? Sometimes I have just as much difficulty dealing with my husband's porn (addiction?) as I do the abuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 8:44pm

Well, I can tell you what I know from personal experience.....I know toward the end of my relationship w/the ex, sex became non-existant toward the end.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 9:27pm
My STBX has a problem with internet porn. Even after we seperated, he would come to the house while I wasn't home and look at porn on MY computer. It never really took away from our sex-life, in fact, I think it made him want even more. However, I've gotten to the point where I hardly even find him attractive, plus, I'm pregnant, so I had no sex drive anyway. I think the biggest problem it cause with my STBX was it affected his view/opinion of women. He has a very degrading view of women, is
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 9:37pm
You know what Samantha, now that you mention your ex being degrading toward women,...it made me remeber my ex being the same way.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 9:41pm

STBX viewed porn starting at what I believe was between the ages of 9 and 12. His usage of all types of porn grew as the years went by. He has definite fetishes. There are alot of things I wish he wouldn't have done. There are alot of sites I wish he would never have gone to. There are many things he did then that freak me out to think about now. He was one to want to be very sexually active - almost to a freakish point. Sexually active to also include more than vaginal. He wanted it when he wanted it, and pretty much that was that. Sometimes he'd lay off and deal himself. Sometimes if I said I would help, he'd wake me up from a sound sleep to say he was ready. Ok, more than sometimes. Often is a better word. I honestly don't miss that.


He explains it now to me that when he was ejaculating, it released the "feel good drug" the body automatically produces (dopamine?). He explains that he was so depressed and not operating to full mental capacity for all those years and he says now that he is sorry for everything he did then. But mind you, he had *a ton* of porn

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Wed, 04-20-2005 - 10:16pm
My husband also came to the house and looked at porn on the computer after we separated. That's when I realized that it had been worse than I thought. It is terrible because the implication is that since I wasn't interested, he turned to porn. I was not interested because he never reached out to me in a loving way. He wanted to flip a switch and turn on the sex machine (me) when he was good and ready. He wanted me to be just like the computer. Before, during and after he was like a machine with no feeling. I asked him why, as soon as our honeymoon ended, did he stop doing anything sexually for me. Every year after that, he denied that he had stopped. I wonder if he remembered denying the year before and not attempting a change the following year? The thing is, I do like sex. However, I am sure that his version of our relationship to others now is that I was never interested. No, I was not interested in wham bam. How can you have sex with someone that never holds your hand or hugs you or even talks to you for that matter? He did not even help me with things around the house. He did nothing to help me feel loving towards him. I felt like a prostitute, without the money.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Thu, 04-21-2005 - 9:20am

The last month I was there the ex racked up $200 in pay per view porn charges. He couldn't type/use a computer so that's what he did. Of course, there were bags of Easyriders too, but I don't count that as the women in there are nasty.

Did you know when you get up to $100 in pay per view charges on a cable box they have to reset it?

He ordered it in 6 hour blocks to see what was on or so he said. I too never turned him down as he would only be in the mood on Friday or Saturday not both and only when he was done watching TV. He also would watch it when I was asleep and he wasn't or if he was upset with me.

-J

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Fri, 04-22-2005 - 12:18am
The last vacation that I went on (my husband never wanted to go), I came home and he immediately told me that he had 'messed up' and ordered a porn movie instead of the movie he wanted on Pay per View. I just laughed and did not think much of it until later when I realized what he was doing on the computer. Our box was also filled once and had to be re-set. I think he had been doing that much longer than I realized.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 7:00pm

I'm kinda new to this board, but have gotten a lot out of reading everyone's messages. I just went to a domestic abuse counselor last Monday for the first time. It's REALLY been an eye-opening experience. She recommended some of the books mentioned on this site, and I am no longer in denial.

Anyway, about porn: husband started looking at porn when he was probably @ 10, and at this point I'd say it's an addiction/obsession. When we were dating, I found some Penthouse magazines in his dorm room and he said they were his friend's, not his (so he lies about his porn addiction too). He's well known among his friends for his extensive collection of porn videos, and he used to rent them and tape them in addition to buying them. Then the internet came along and it just got worse. He would even look at porn *on his office computer*!!! I begged him to stop doing that since some companies will fire you for that. Then he started looking at so much porn on our home computer that it was always filled with viruses and spyware. Even worse, he would make me give him oral (kneeling on the floor in front of the computer) while he surfed for porn. I can't believe I'm actually admitting this, it's SO DISGUSTING!

So I managed to convince him to stop on the computer since it was a pain to have to keep fixing viruses and spyware. His replacement? Satellite TV with the best (or worst???) porn channel available. Not Playboy, that's for losers. Ten Xtsy (spelling?). So now we have 24/7 porn that he can watch anytime, or tape, or make me give him oral to....

Sorry this is so long--fast forward to today. Since I'm planning to get a divorce hopefully soon, I thought I should start getting things together, etc. Early in our marriage, he borrowed a friend's video camera to do a home inventory, and hey, since we had it, how about filming ourselves having sex? OK, I was young and REALLY stupid, so I agreed. Anyhow, today I decided to find the tape and destroy it so he wouldn't be able to use it against me in the divorce or anything. Well, I found it--and I found another tape that he never told me about. It seems he had hidden a camera in the closet of our female roommate's room, that was voice-activated or something, and he made videotapes of her, her friends, and even MY SISTERS while they were changing clothes, taking a shower, etc. etc. And then, there was a scene of the girlfriend of one of his friends DOING A STRIPTEASE. I had been fast forwarding through the tape because I wanted to find out what the hell was going on, but not watching too closely (I was horrified). But then I could see that she was talking to whoever was filming her. IT WAS MY HUSBAND'S VOICE! The tape cut off after she had all of her clothes off. So I don't know for sure what happened next, but I'm not THAT stupid... :((((

I am so disgusted and in shock, I have been crying all day. Maybe this sounds too bizarre to be true, I can hardly believe it myself. I have another appointment with my counselor tomorrow so hopefully she can help me get a grip on myself. To think that I had actually been hoping that he would get counseling, etc. and somehow we could save our marriage. I am getting out as soon as I can get myself together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 7:43pm

Hi Coffee -


Ye-ow, that's bad.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2005
Thu, 04-28-2005 - 8:26pm

Thanks for your support, I really need it. I got so caught up in my story, I didn't even say why I went to the domestic abuse counselor in the first place. Even though I have thought about calling the hotline for about 5 years, the last straw was a couple of weeks ago. He threw me down on the bedroom floor flat on my back (I couldn't catch myself because he was holding my arms). He said it was because I was being a c*** in the bar we had just left, I was trying to talk to him but he was busy looking at some girl's butt in low-rise pants/hi-rise thong (if that makes any sense). The next morning, he acted all concerned and asked where my back hurt, etc. I thought he actually cared, then I realized he wanted to have sex because he was leaving later that day on a business trip! He was trying to figure out "positions" that wouldn't hurt!!! :-O

We have been married for 12 years (our anniversary was Sunday, woo-hoo! NOT!). And we dated for 4 years before that. I have so many stories, you would not believe. I now realize that almost every interaction we have is abusive. I've wasted 16 years with this guy but it's better than 20, 30, or more. Thanks again for your note.