is this abusive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2005
is this abusive?
7
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 8:23am
My bf and I got into a huge argument in which we were both yelling and screaming, well he gets real mad and tells me I need to take him home(his car was not there and he lives over 30 min away). So I said no it was late, he could wail until morning. To this he responds by pouring an orange soda purposley on my carpet. Is this abusive or just childish?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 9:38am
Well.....here's what I think of the situation.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 10:01am

JMO...I'd go for childish *and* abusive. Why does he assume you *must* take him home? Tipping orange juice on your floor after yelling at you sounds like something my kid would do in a tantrum. The difference is, your bf's a grown-up. Does he walk into his boss's office and tip juice on his/her floor?..or his parents?

It doesn't *need* to be physical abuse to 'count'! Abuse is wrong; however it is manifested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 11:27am
I might have misworded my post.
5yrssm 
Avatar for sandman2write
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 10:38pm

I find it very interesting that every response to this post was that
it is abuse to pour orange soda on the floor. When I first read this post
no one had answered yet. My first thought was is she asking if her actions
were abuse or his? Wanting to go home and remove yourself from a yelling
screaming match is a healthy responsible way to deal with such a situation.
refusing to take him home when he is at your mercy for away home is
nothing short of controlling and control is the center for abuse.
Could he have left any other way? Yes he could have walked out, but
a 30-min drive is a very long walk. Could he have called a cab?
Maybe if you would let him make the call. It is hard to tell from you post
the what ifs, you have never said what happened after the poured soda
With that said I am not saying that you are abusive, but it is controlling.
As for being childish I would say that you both were very childish.
The pouring of the orange soda IMO was a childish response to feeling
helpless to this control I will give you an example of how this could be abuse
in a away that you will understand

Let’s reverse the rolls, He is you and you are him.
Yelling and screaming at each other, it slows down a bit, YOU ask HIM to take YOU home
He says no it is too late (how do you feel?) angry, controlled, helpless? You can’t believe
he won’t take you home helpless you show your feeling by pouring the soda
on the floor. (Abuse yet? Not yet) (childish? Yes) He jumps up calls you a few choice names
(Now its abuse) and you all know where it can go from hear.

With respect to you and your b/f, we are all only human, and every single one of us
have childish moments, and make wrong choices. Your B/F sounds to me like a man
that could easily learn or can already communicate his feelings. Please instigate this
communication as best you can instead of engaging in yelling

Live long, Live happy, and Love always

Randy

(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 4:25am
Having read the post yesetrday from a CL advising us to stick with the rules, I had better not make further comment on this thread. I'll agree to disagree with you :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 3:48pm
Abusive or not abusive doesn't matter. You need to honestly answer the question, do you want to stay with someone who would spill orange soda on your carpet for spite? I would think the relevance of how you define that action is null. I personally wouldn't want to live with that.


Edited 2/13/2005 7:16 pm ET ET by lucas_the_angel
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 8:23am
That is very true. What will get destroyed or damaged with the next disagreement?If she stays with this guy long enough, her house will look like crap or she will be spending a lot of time and money repairing the damage he causes. Even if the other poster was right, just because she was abusive does not give him any right to be abusive. Even if she was abusive, he should have walked out and had no further contac with her based on her abusiveness. Not she's abusive, therefore I have the freedom to let her have it.