Abusive and a Cheater?
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| Mon, 06-19-2006 - 12:12pm |
Ok, sorry for all the questions guys. But I feel so confused. I've been in a relatively "good" cycle with H since mid-April. However, he still is going out 2 - 3 times a week, until late, usually after midnight. Yesterday (on Father's Day no less) I came downstairs with my kids and he wasn't home yet - at 6:45 a.m.! I called his cell and it was off (or out of service) which is odd because he never turns it off, not even at home. He called back while we were on our way to church so kids said happy father's day over the phone. So not the way it should be! Ugh, anyway, is this really a "good" cycle or him being all nice because he's happily got someone else giving him her undying love and devotion like I was stupid enough to do way back at the beginning while he was still married to wife No. 1 and telling me he was divorced? (When I found out back then that he was still married I wondered how in the world his wife couldn't figure it out, since he was out with me 2 - 3 nights, sometimes spending the night, sometimes not.)
The thing is, it could be him just abusing alcohol as he's done since the beginning. He doesn't ever drink at home, it's always when he's out and he can never seem to have just a couple. His excuse Sunday morning was that he had heard from friends that there was a sobriety checkpoint set up, so he crashed at a guys house.
I'm just wondering, does having an abusive personality, where one feels entitled to just about anything - usually lead to cheating? Believe me, I used to get very angry at him about his late nights but nothing ever changed. So, I gave up and became indifferent.
I'm sure you all realize by now this cheating question is a common theme of mine. Jeez, I just wish I could work up the courage to leave based on all the other issues. Lies and mistrust, controlling behavior should all be enough.
My brain hurts. Thanks for listening everyone!!
Lisa

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I'd certainly say that there can be a correlation. Loony wasn't an actual cheater- his social skills were so poor that none of the girls he hit on wanted any part of him!- but he certainly was a cheater wannabe.
I once read a statistic from a private investigator that said- I don't recall exact numbers, but it was something like only 5% of people who think they're being bugged actually are, whereas 95% of people who think their spouse is cheating are right. So, if you think he is, odds are he is; the question is what you would like to do about it.
Erin,
First of all, thanks for your response. The connection between his entitlement and cheating just seemed to strike me one day. I mean, he drinks to excess, bets on football, baseball, etc., spends money without really thinking about it - why would he deny himself another woman even though he has always sworn up and down he'd never, ever cheat on me? It's looking like my chances of catching him are slim, unless I hire a PI.
If I found concrete evidence, I'd leave in a heartbeat. I'm planning on leaving anyway so finding proof of an affair would dramatically increase the time frame. Right now I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself for the "I'm leaving" confrontation. I'm reading some great books, talking to some great friends and trying to get stronger.
I just don't want to blind myself to the fact that it would be very easy for him to cheat. I enjoy his times way so I don't "check on him". Regarding this last overnight stay, it seems his story is checking out. I'm just biding my time....
Lisa
What I would love to do is find concrete evidence. If I found concrete evidence, I'd leave in a heartbeat. I'm planning on leaving anyway so finding proof of an affair would dramatically increase the time frame. Right now I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself for the "I'm leaving" confrontation. I'm reading some great books, talking to some great friends and trying to get stronger. I know I cannot stay in this relationship. I am a firm believer in that opportunities present themselves to people - we just have to be paying attention. The opportunity for me to leave is going to present itself to me soon, I know it. It's either going to come in the form of me actually finding proof of an affair or me finally being strong enought to confront him and say that the marriage needs to end. The day will come, I am sure of it.
And I do not want my son thinking this is acceptable. The effect this will have on him is my main motivator for leaving.
If you don't mind my asking, how did you get out? Also, thank you for your encouragement. It's great to hear survivor stories on this board and to get such great support from all of the women who have managed to get out.
mom2dylan,
It is heartening to hear that you are planning to leave. There is so much pain in your writing that it is hard not to cry when I read them.
I was able to get away from my abuser by utilizing the women's center in my hometown. They have a shelter for battered women and their children. They also have attorneys free to the women who need them, counselors and doctors and nurses and all manner of support.
It is amazing and at the same time, frightening to knwo how many women out there have gone through or are going through the same thing. The women in the shelter were wonderful and so supportive! I don't think I stopped crying for weeks. I honestly thought I would curl up into a little ball in the corner and die of shame and heartbreak over what and who I had become!!!
Your local police department or hosptial er would have the number for such places in your area. If you do not chose to use them for fear of it somehow getting out or their coming to your home to see if your child is safe, then find a safe friend to look into the matter and find the resources for you. I could even help if you let me know what town you are in. all of these centers are networked in some way and are ready, willing and able to help any woman in need throughout the world. the bottom line is this, YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!!!!
If need be, and you want, I will provide you with my e-mail address and phone number. I have sponsored many women in your shoes and thank God for each and every one of them.
Just as an aside, I also spent the first three years after getting out of this horrible situation in kickboxing classes. Woe to the man who tries to touch me now!!!!!!!
Just remember, you are stronger than you think, keep an eye to the sky and don't let anything hold you back. You are worth far more than this guy could ever deserve!!!
Let me know if there is anything I can do for you....
Kim
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