Abusive boyfriend, need help

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Abusive boyfriend, need help
2
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 4:57am
Just being here on this board is so hard for me. I have just come to realize that I am in an abusive relationship and have been for quite some time. I love this man with all of my heart. We are suppose to be married and live happily ever after. I know things need to end before we say i do but I just can't leave him and don't want him to leave me.

First some background info. He's in the military and we live 8 hours apart. We've been together almost 2 years. His dad abused his mother and the kids for years until she finally left. We have a great relationship about 85% of the time. He's wonderful and attentive and caring and loving but whenever he gets angry, he's horrible! I was at the point where I thought I was crazy. Seriously, I thought maybe I was going insane or something. We argue and then whenever I comfront him on something he said, he'll tell me that I'm crazy because he didn't say it. It's been so bad lately that I've almost bought a mini recorder just to prove that I'm sane. He's always calling me stupid or idiot or slut or whore. Any nasty name will do for him. As long as it hurts my feelings. I have never cheated on this man nor would I. He also brings up things that have happened in my past and uses those things against me.

Everything is always my fault. I mean dumb stuff like one time we were talking in the truck and he ran this red light. It was totally an accident on his behalf and I told him everyone makes mistakes, but he said that I was distracting him and it was my fault.

He first bruised my shoulder when he grabbed me and moved me away from my desk. I was terrified. I told him to leave but before he would he made me cut up all of our pics together. After we made up he said that I cut them up on my own. He's pinched me, tripped me, grabbed me, shoved me, choked me, held me against my will, and this last trip he body slammed me and spit in my face. (I can't believe what I'm saying and that I'm still with him!)

I have never been in a situation like this. I just keep thinking that this will all change. I can't believe that I want to be with this man. Most of the time he's amazing and almost perfect. The rest of the time he's the devil. All I do is cry. He won't listen to me and he doesn't apologize unless he's called me something really mean. It's never his fault. I guess the reason I'm here tonight is because of the past couple of days. He told me Sunday that I needed to give him more space and not be so needy. He is addicted to computer games and I'm always calling on my 5 minute breaks from work to say hi. I said okay and didn't call him Monday night from work thinking that he would be proud of me for thinking of him first and not bothering him. He called me at 1230AM when I got off wondering why I didn't call. Then Tuesday night I called him from one break to see how his day was and he asked me why did you call if you didn't have anything to say? WTF?? I'm sorry, but I just don't understand. We got in a huge arguement tonight and of course I cried and said I was sorry and it was my fault because I called and was being a *itch. But inside I know it wasn't all my fault. It always happens like this.

I have made an appointment with a therapist but he's out of town until next week. DB is afraid that the therapist is going to tell me to leave him. duh! I have asked db to come with me or go by himself but he always says no. He says I am just going to lie and make them feel sorry for me. He has horrible anger issues that he needs to deal with.

Anyway, I just thought it would be nice if someone could tell me that I'm not crazy and this is not my fault. It's really hard for me to be strong right now. I am an educated, smart women. This was not suppose to ever happen to me. I have always said that once a man laid a hand on me he was out. But look at me now. I know what has to be done. Thank you all so much!

Jules

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2002
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 6:54am

I ended my 4 year relationship over a year ago with a verbally abusive alcoholic.


 


"OMG, I got engaged, the world will never be the same!...."


&nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 2:59pm
Jules -

I am sorry you are going through this. First off you are NOT psycho or losing your mind. He is trying to make you feel this way because it gives him power over you. All he wants to do is CONTROL you. You are a smart woman and I know leaving him is hard and when it comes time all you can do is remember the good. But right now you need to do what is best for you. He isn't going to change and I know from experience that it only get worse. His problems have been around before he even started dating you, so don't start to blame his actions on yourself or think he is acting this way because of what you said or did, NO it is becuase he has major issues from his past you probably don't even know about.

What you need to do is leave him, you need to find a place to live, get out and be done with him. You don't want to marry him, have kids which he will start abusing too and be stuck in a worse situation. You have the mind and the strength to do it, you said yourself you are a smart girl, just take action and control of your life do it for yourself & your future. If you don't do it today then you will do it 3 years from now and it will be that much harder.

I know in the begining it is very hard, and you feel lonely and have lots of weak moments. But you will thank us on this board one day for giving you the best advice and courage to leave. When you tell him you are leaving he will beg and tell you he is going to change, don't fall for this trap, they never change, only temporarly. Be strong and think once you leave you never ever have to deal with his abusive ways ever ever again and you will be on the road the happiness ! Good Luck and keep us posted !