abusive husband-Minister partlyblames me

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Registered: 01-26-2004
abusive husband-Minister partlyblames me
4
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 11:35pm
Hi

This is part to the post "Abusive husband am I to blame". I talked to my minister tonite. We have talked over the weekend and I told him how my husband pushed me, hit me and throw me on the bed and I hit my head against the wall. I have bruises to prove it and showed him.

He spoke to my husband today to get his side of the story. Well.. my husband is a liar and exagerates. He told the minister that I gave him scratch marks from my nails. Funny, I didn't seem them on him yesterday when my husband left. Could it be self inflicted????

My husband has hurt my 12 year old son in the past by being forceful and picking him up. I just discovered today in our paperwork that my husband was arrested for misdimeaner assult from his ex wife, which my husband had plead guilty. there were also a restraining order and order of protection. This was back in 1999. Here, now I am living it. My son has been living it. And my minister I think is starting to side with my husband, or at least says I am partly to blame. I don't get it. I weigh 130 pounds, my husband is muscular and weighs about 230. Even the police said that he far out weighs me and much stronger than me. In talking to my son tonite, he also mentioned that my husband was critical of him.

I just don't get it. who is the victim here? Granted, I did retaliate and fight back. I am not going down without a fight and he started forcing me and hitting me. so am I at fault for defending myself????

I am losing faith in my minister and Church. Please help me with some good advice.

Best wishes,

Nanc

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Registered: 06-17-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 1:42pm

Nanc,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 3:25pm
A huge gentle hug to you, Nancy.

Your minister is deeply, deeply mistaken. You are NOT to blame for ANY of your husband's abuse. How confusing it must have been for you, though, to finally confide what has been going on to someone you trust, and to receive such a response! Your husband is wrong; so is your minister. Your husband DECIDES to be abusive, period. He makes the CHOICE every time he hurts you or your son. Neither of you has ever merited such treatment. THere is nothing one can do to deserve violence and abuse. Ever. That is, however, what an abuser will tell you so that he can 'live' with himself.

The information you discovered about his first marriage confirms it: your husband is violent and always has been. He will continue to be, and it will only get worse for you and your son.

As for defending yourself, my first counselor once said to me, 'you can only shake a squirrel so many times before it will bite you.' That being said, when it comes to this, it is time to begin thinking about getting yourself to safety rather than fighting back. It is possible that your husband could have you arrested for assault if you fight back.

I agree strongly with the advice above. Start preparing a safety plan for the next time your husband becomes violent, or when you feel it beginning to escalate. (See the homepage for this board for excellent safety planning tips.) If you have a trusted friend, consider leaving money, legal documents and clothing (that will not be missed) with this friend in case you must flee. Call a local shelter for information about resources in your area.

My heart goes out to you. You and your son deserve a life free from abuse.

Hugs!

Christine

Outside ideas of right doing and wrong doing, there is a field. I will meet you there. -- Rumi
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 10:18am
Hi Nancy,

I would be loosing faith in my church and minister too, in your situation. But remember, they are just people. Keep your faith where it belongs - in God and His word. He's promised he will NEVER leave us or forsake us. Being a believer myself, I struggled with whether I should stay or go for a very long time. In the end, I really stayed much longer than I should have. My sons were definately affected much more than I realized at the time.

Here's some info I found that may help you:

Men, Women and Abuse

William Gaultiere, Ph.D.

Tragically, some people misunderstand or twist the Bible to think that they should tolerate or even submit to abuse. Sometimes this is due to a misinterpretation of what the Bible says about husband and wife roles. Other times people mistakenly think that since Jesus was silent when he was scourged and crucified then they should just take it when someone abuses them. The Bible teaches both men and women to serve others with humility and respect, especially in marriage. At the same time, we are also taught to set boundaries when others sin against us or are abusive to us.

1. Men and women are both encouraged by Jesus to humble themselves as little children (Matthew 18:2-4).

2. Those who want to be most important should seek to be least important (Luke 9:48, Mark 9:33-35).

3. Those who want to be great leaders should seek to serve others as Jesus did (Matthew 20:25-28).

4. Wives and husbands are to submit to each other, following Jesus' example of humble service (John 13:12-17, Ephesians 5:21).

5. For a husband to be the "head" of his wife is for him to follow Jesus' example of being a servant-leader who did not lord it over us, but sacrificially gave himself for us. Husbands are to love their wives, give themselves up for their wives, care for their wives as they care for their own bodies, just as Christ does for the church. The wife's role of submitting is in this context. (Mark 10:42-43, Ephesians 5:22-28, 1 Peter 5:1-4).

6. When we're angry at a loved one who has mistreated us we're encouraged to express our anger by speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15, 25-26).

7. Violent behavior, perverse speech, and injustice are evil (Proverbs 8:13, 13:2, 24:1-2, 28:5).

8. We are to avoid, shun, and hate evil - abuse is evil (Proverbs 3:7, 8:13, Romans 12:9, 1Thessalonians 5:22).

9. Like Jesus, we should not submit to evil or let others control us (Matthew 12:15, 16:21-23, John 6:15).

10. When we are sinned against Jesus encouraged us to confront the person in private. If he doesn't listen then we're to bring one or two witnesses along. If he still doesn't listen we're to withdraw ourselves from him until he changes. (Matthew 18:15-17)

11. Withdrawing from someone who continually sins against you is important self-protection and it is the best way to help the one who violated you (1 Corinthians 5:5, Titus 3:10-11).

Nanc, above all trust the voice inside that is telling you that this is wrong. You do not need your minister to agree. You do not need anyone to agree. If you have been hurt or you are afraid of being hurt, IT IS WRONG! PERIOD! Don't let anyone manipulate you out of your truth.

Keep looking up^, Susan.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 7:01pm
Hugs nancyk! I would strongly suggest that you contact a local shelter network and start dealing with those who know and are trained in domestic violence. For too many centuries many religeons have kept a blind eye turned towards domestic violence and have spread the blame on all involved. You need to start finding the solid facts, the actual truths about abuse so that you can start to educate yourself and learn what is truth and what are antiquated ideals.

If you cannot locate a shelter you can call the National Abuse Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and let them help you find local resources. You can as others here have suggested, start reading the articles and checking out the links on this boards homepage. You will find there many good articles to help you start to understand the dynamics of abuse. Once you start learning you can then start to separate what you should do, what you can do against further abuse. As others have suggested, quietly put together what legal documents you may need.

Please do not discuss your plans with anyone who could tell your husband or those who have no idea what abuse is actually about. Try hard not to confront your husband on abuse issues or tell him anything in relation to your starting to seek freedom for you and your child. By letting our abusers know how upset we are, how we know what is going on, who is on who's side, it is only going to let your abuser know every move you are going to try to make and he will make sure that you cannot find any escape. Knowledge is going to be your biggest ally in all this, that and starting to work with only those who are trained in abuse.

If you need to get out call 911 and have an officer come and remove you and your child and let them take you to a shelter. As odd as this may sound, unless it is a life threatening situation, which I believe your husband is capable of, please try and resist hitting back or throwing anything. It's when he can lure you into a violent response that he will tell everyone how you're the abuser and he is the victim. Abusers are master manipulators, they can lie their way out of almost any situation, try not to give him the ammunition he's looking for to turn the tables in his favor.

I hope you seek out the help of a shelter as they can help you with many resources beyond just that of a safe home for you and your son. They can help with legal, financial and theraputic resources.

Do not let anyone talk you into couples or marriage counseling as this only makes abuse worse. It does not bring out what is truely going on, it only allows our abuser to hear what is on our minds and what we are thinking. Once again, it's giving our abuser the information to keep us confused, to keep them changing tactics and making sure we do not find the freedom we need.

It will be hard, but there is help out there. By learning you will know who not to tell, who knows abuse and how to escape it and how to keep yourself and your child safe.

I hope this helps and I hope you start to find trained abuse help and not seeking help where there is none as this could make the abuse even worse. Keep documenting every verbal and physical attack, document, document, document. Seek trained help not those who have "handled some abuse issues", but those who can show training in DV.

As far as your religeon only you can make up your mind on that. Just know that no religeon supports abuse, none! Do not rely on your religeous beliefs to get you out of this though, you need to actively seek trained help from shelters or other civil services. You need to use your faith for your strength, but it will be your knowledge of the true facts that will get you free.

Please keep seeking help here also, vent, ask, come in anytime as we all have been either effected by abuse, are just starting to seek freedom or those who are just coming to terms that they are in abusive homes. There is a worldwide network of caring people here and I hope you understand that you will never be alone in this from here on out! We are here for you!

Hugs