abusive relationships

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
abusive relationships
5
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 1:11pm

This is long.... sorry....

I spent my weekend with some old friends. My ex bf was there. He is about to
get married in 4 months to a girl that wants to keep him isolated, cruel to him, keeps him away from his friends, mean to his family, you know the drill. Well we all tried to give him advice about how bad it will come after marriage. I think he is afraid to hurt her, doesn't want to be alone, and thinks of the costs of the wedding so far as to why he still wants to go through with it. When asked point blank if he loves her he couldn't answer right away. He said they have their moments. I'm married now to a guy who doesn't keep me from friends and gives me full control of our money. He is just down right mean and keeps affection from me. So after all the advice I tried to give this weekend, it sent me home thinking. How can I give advice about that when I'm still in a somewhat abusvie relationship. I have the same fears as my ex bf. How do you take control and said I had enough. It's left me doubting myself.

I would like to convince myself to leave and stop him from getting in the same situation. I know I know I can't stop him, he will do what he wants, I did. It's just if I could save one person from the misery of being married to someone who does not respect them I would. But I also need to save myself first.

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I guess I'm just venting too. Really messed up siutation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 3:06pm

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Here's my two pesos:

Leave him before you end up pregnant.

A baby with him means a very long-lasting connection and more stress than you can even imagine. However, if you leave before you end up pregnant, you can make a clean cut, divorce and move on with your life.

Time is of the essence...every day you spend continuing to be married to him from this day forward, is another day WASTED.

All the best,
Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 08-10-2005 - 5:38pm

Hi Gal, welcome


The first inkling that there was something more than typical marital stress in my former marriage was after having a similar sort of conversation with someone who's known me since kindergarten.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 12:43am
Save yourself. Then worry about other people
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 9:06am

Hi Gal,

Welcome. I would go thru the list of red flags on the website and just see where you stand on things. I found that once I started looking at the initial red flags there were many more that I never realized were big red flags waving in the wind.

I had a friend who helped me to see what was going on. Her name was Robin and she was horribly abused for many years by her 1st husband. She was a take no prisoners willing to take on any challenge kind of person, which was always funny as she was maybe 5' or so tall. When all others didn't want to get in the middle and would either not come around or just say polite things, she was the one who said that he was nuts and that nothing I ever did would satisfy him and that things either needed to change or I needed to leave. When he threatened to kill me she offered a safe place to sleep and to guard me with her 357 in case he showed up. Sadly, she died 2 weeks ago from breast cancer. I miss her terribly and literally feel I owe my life to her.

-Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Thu, 08-11-2005 - 3:44pm

Thank you all for your reponses. I really appreciate it.

First - in response to I think the 1st responder... I do have a child with my H. So....
that does make it harder as you stated.

Living with my H is like I am going crazy. It is so hard to explain. It's his facial
expressions, attitude, just the lack of respect. I don't know how to explain how
I feel. I think what is wrong with me? Let me give you an example: We were having a cook out, the house needed to be cleaned and we were going to do it together. So the day of the cookout arrives and I started on the house but my neighbor called and wanted to
know if I wanted to use this stuff on the lawn to help with the bugs. So I said sure.
So as my H was working on the house I told him that I was going outside to work on
the lawn. After I was finished I asked my neighbor if they needed help with the
tables I would help them (joint picnic). So they said sure later. I went in the
house and my H was cleaning and I said that I offered our help with the tables. My
H said your not going to help them until you finished your work in this house. You
said that you were going to help and you haven't done a thing. I said - I was outside
working what do you mean? It's not like I was just sitting around doing nothing.
I didn't say we had to move them right now anyway and I was going to do some work.
Even if we moved them now what is the big deal? Don't remember much what else was said.
I was just hurt. This kind of stuff goes on all the time. But at the same time he
is nice and I'm so confused. He doesn't hit or throw things and he doesn't call me names. So what is this?

Gal