Ack! How to deal with this behavior....
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| Sun, 02-01-2004 - 11:00am |
A major cause of arguments, THESE days, is parenting the 15 yr old teenage dd. She is currently dating a boyfriend (which, btw, my h is TOTALLY against). Tonight, she is going to a Superbowl party at her boyfriends with several of her friends...and wanted to stay until the end. Both h and I thought that was a bit too late for a school night (10:30/11 pm) and told her so. My h begins to tell me what HE thinks and I said, lets sit down and discuss with dd.
We call her down and he says "9:00 pm...the latest"...my dd and I were like "hey, wait lets discuss this" and he got very angry with me because I was "negotiating" with her. The more we try to discuss it the angrier he gets. My dd eventually goes upstairs and I ask him "why 9 pm? she's got her homework done...and she's usually up to 11 pm anyhow, why not 10?" He then comes up to me, hands flying, yelling "then don't f'ing ask me, do what you f'ing want....and when she gets pregnant, it will be all your fault"
By now, I can see through this routine....and I say calmly "P, you have to calm down" (which I know is only baiting him into further anger). Then he launches into his routine (and this is where I need advice with): he starts to tell me how he "feels sorry for me that I never had a father figure in my life to show me right from wrong...and its too bad that my parents messed me up so much".
My reaction: I stop what I am doing and look at him and say "do you hear what you just said? Do you see what you are saying is mean and hurtful?" He begins to mimick my voice and then I respond with "P, this is just getting sick that you cant sit here as an adult and discuss this with me".....again he mimicks me and then in a mocking tone say "Oh, you are just sooooo goood at communication. C'mon...teach me some of your wonderful communication and counseling skills"
Again, this goes on, with him mimicking me, mocking me...and just dripping with sarcasm. I've gotten better with not feeding into this...but it just gets my blood boiling. When he attacks me with hurtful things I've shared with him about my past...how do you counter that? I know that trying to change him, challenging him, or retorting back is not working, nor will EVER work.....but does anyone have ANYTHING that they do to walk away...any mantra? any thoughts? what?????
To make it worse, it pulls my dd right into the middle of the crap going on between us. He says I "cater and jump too much" for my dd. When I say there needs to be flexibility in parenting, ESP. with teenagers, he says I'm caving in to her, giving her the wrong messages...and of course...when she ends up pregnant, it will be MY fault.
How do I cope until I pull my crap together and get out? Do I acquiesce to my h and let him set the stupid rules...if so, what do I tell my kid when she looks to me like "why are you letting him be such a dictator and an a**?"
suggestions? advice? thoughts/comments?
dharma

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My heart goes out to you on this one. Your post brought back alot of memories of my marriage with x. His verbal abuse got nastier and his fuse got shorter as my teen girls became more womanly. He would come at me saying I was naive, that they were out getting hi, that they were having sex, that I was crazy for not seeing the obvious.
Dharma my girls are wonderful girls and I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict I think I'd see if they were messed up. I'm sober 10yrs now. The kids were fine. I would say Rob if you accuse them then they will start doing this stuff. I mean why not? If your being accussed and in trouble for it might as well do it.
Dharma my mother died when I was 12, my dad well I was a baby. So I was an orpah, my younger sister and brother and I were raised by my mom's sisters, we went from place to place. I was out on my own at before I graduated highschool. Rob used that to beat me up. It was a sore spot. He knew it and when it suited him he dug his fingers into that wound. He'd say no wonder you don't know about being a mom you never had one. Your crazy. It hurts even now writing it.
I'm sorry your living with this, and I'm sorry your daughter may become more of a target for his abuse. I hope not.
Mantra.. I am worth more than the sum total of this relationship. I am here for a reason, and the God of the universe is watching over me.
My heart is with you.
Cathy
I agree too with what Kanga just said Dharma.
Ok, I've been through similiar scenarios a hundred times. Question is: what would make you comfortable for your daughter to do? She is invited to a superbowl party and it is no fun unless you stay till the end. Give her a 1/2 hour beyond the end of the game and no more. There is no wrong messages there, just respect that your young lady is going to a function and it ends a certain time. You set limits and your daughter will appreciate it. Next morning have an orange juice and granola bar for as she rushes out to the bus...no big deal. He will rant and rave anyway
Only my suggestion
Terry
But one thing that I have learned, and the hard way is if your child is not doing anything wrong and then treating her as if she is, she will rebel against it and more than likely start doing what she is being accused of. My son did and he was only eleven at the time.
You have to have trust and have faith in your child until they break it. I would allow her to stay until the end of the game. There is no real point in going if you have to leave before the game is over. Especially if that means someone else has to leave to bring her home. I agree with giving her half an hour or so from the end of the game.
My h sounds similar to your ex....he's always thinking that she is up to something awful and I keep telling him "she's a good girl...but with your attitude she WILL get pregnant, she WILL get high, etc, JUST TO PISS YOU OFF", either that or it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy---if he thinks she's doing it...why not?
I just can't believe that ANYONE would take anything from someone's past and use that against them, in ANY way....its soooo hurtful and cruel. When things fly out of my h's mouth most of the time I'm aghast and thinking "what a sick f*&#"....lol. But it still hurts.
Thanks for your reply...AND your mantra...I've been thinking of that when my h goes off on me these days!!
dharma
Thanks for your reply. You know, I wish that I could just pick up and go when he gets like that...but I have 4 kids, (15,12,5,3) which makes it hard to just get up and go. Getting anywhere is a challenge, sometimes.....LOL...I'm ALWAYS late.
My daughter is a GREAT kid...but she is beginning to show signs of stress from being here...one of the MAJOR things is that she's a cutter. (a cutter, in case you don't know, is someone who cuts into their skin--arms or legs--because they are angry or upset and cannot adequately cope with their situation. Cutting sends out this adrenline like rush. The cuts are superficial, ie usually not enough deep enough for life threatening injuries, but can leave scars.
My dd started this in 8th grade...and I recognized it the first time I saw it. I've worked with enough female addicts and adolescents over the years...and I freaked when I saw it!!! She's been in counseling since...and of course I've done a TON of research on it. Wanna hear something interesting??? Girls who grow up in a controlling house with a dominating father are VERY susceptible to this. Hmmm...no big surprise, there I guess.
Her counselor is GREAT with adolescents and cutters, but has NO clue about d/v issues. I've had to fill her in on the side...because when my h and I are talking to her---she's giving some BAD ADVICE, which feeds into my h's abuse.
Of course, my h blames ME for my dd's problem (I was working and not paying enough attention, I was causing stress to the family by going to school or working, I was self centered and not paying attention to the family needs, etc).
My dd ended up going to the party...and then when it came time to pick her up...my h REFUSED, though he was at a party RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER FROM WHERE SHE WAS!! Instead, he drove home, and made me pick her up...so she didn't get home to 10:15 pm anyway.....he's a nut.
Thanks for your words!! Just to know that its NOT ME going through this is sooo beneficial!
dharma
Thanks for your reply. My daughter ended up going to the party, and was home later than anticipated (see my response to wishful), but only due to my h's pettiness.
Its sometimes hard to know when to "defy" my h and when not to....you are right, either way he'll rant and rave...I guess it depends how strongly I feel about the issue to want to deal with it. Its just really hard to have to deal with this all the time and feel like I'm pulling my kids through the middle of it. But now I see more then ever, that BECAUSE of the kids, I HAVE to get out......
Thanks again!
dharma
You are sooo right about the way you treat children....sometimes if you treat them like they are doing something wrong, it will have a rebound effect. My h is ALL about control about everything. The other day he said to me that he doesn't agree to her dating because "what happens if she falls in love and has her heart broken" and I look at him like "What the HECK is wrong with you???" and I told him there is NO WAY we could EVER prevent her from falling in love---that is OUT OF OUR CONTROL, but he thinks its something that we can control, and that by allowing her to date, it is giving permission to her (eventually) to have sex!! And again, I feel--to a certain degree WE CANT CONTROL THAT. We could monitor her all the time and REFUSE to let her out of the house weeknights and weekends...but if she REALLY wanted to have sex, she WOULD FIND A WAY. (btw, I don't believe she is....she says she's not, so I trust her).
I have 4 dd's and now, more then ever, I feel ever MORE STRONGLY about getting out....its going to screw up the kids TOO MUCH.
Thanks for your words!!
dharma
First of all, where does your H get off telling you it will be YOUR FAULT if she gets pregnant?!?! If Superbowl parties get you pregnant, girl, am I ever in trouble!!! ;o)
But the main issue I wanted to mention is the fact that he throws your past in your face. My STBXH did that to me *all* the time, because he knew I had grown up with an abusive stepfather, and that I hate that man more than anyone else in this world. He also knew that it would really "push my buttons" if he told me I was *just like* my ex-stepfather (my mother divorced him about five years ago), so he said those things to me every chance he got. That hurt me worse than any punch he ever could have thrown, so I had to come up with some way to end the conversation when he started that sh!t. So, what I did was, I would calmly say "We will continue this conversation when you can speak to me in a constructive, respectful manner and act like a 25-year-old adult." And I would simply walk away. Just MHO. ((((HUGS)))) to you and your DD! (Hope she had a GREAT time in *spite* of the a$$hole!)
Love,
Emm
My ex used to be like your husband. Nothing was ever his fault, my family was what made me this way, and would constantly throw things in my face. The mimicking, mocking, the sarcasm. Oh yeah. His words weren't that hurtful, I was too sensitive, blah blah blah.
One time I tried to agree with him. You're right, absolutely right Ron, my family is what made me this way, I'm too sensitive, you know best, etc. Then when it backfired on him, I just sat there and stared at him. That just pissed him off even more.
What truly worked- doing what I wanted when I wanted whether or not he liked it. It drove him crazy but he couldn't say anything because he knew that I didn't care what he thought anymore. So eventually he left me for his tattoo artist who ended up being more verbally and emotionally abusive to him than he ever was to me.
I'd sit down with your DD and have a really deep heart to heart with her. Open up to her... it'll make it easier for her to open up to you.
How do you cope until you pull your crap together? Start pulling your crap together and consider seeing a professional therapist. Some professional who can catch you if you fall apart in the meantime. Do you have family you can turn to? A good group of friends?
It's just my opinion, but I don't think being 15 and having a boyfriend is all that big a deal. As long as it's a healthy relationship and she's still doing things with her friends too (which it sounds as if she is) and as long as you know his parents are involved in his life, I doubt she'll get into too much trouble. Just leave the communication lines open.
One more note... I love Dr. Phil. He has the best one-liners. When it doubt, turn to one of his. This is one of my favorites:
"Let me get you to add one thing to your definition of success as a man:
how well you treat your wife when nobody is watching."
Good luck!
Love,
Rebecca
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