Advice needed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Advice needed.
7
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 1:00pm

Sunday I woke up and started talking about political science stuff to my husband. He then got kinda upset with me and said something like: Do we have to talk about this? It's too early to talk about stuff like this. So maybe because I just woke up and wasn't fully awake yet, I got upset that he was once again trying to tell me when I can and can't talk to him about stuff and started crying. I got up and went to go take a shower and said on my way out: You are making me feel bad about being who I am. I went to the bathroom and started getting ready to take my shower. He then came pounding into the bathroom yelling at me about that what I was saying didn't make any sense (and maybe it didn't) and I just told him to leave me alone and to leave. I clarified what I had said and told him time and time again to leave me alone. He then started to grab at me (which I hate) and said: what you're saying makes no f'ing sense. You're making no f'ing sense. Then, he slapped me across my face. I was shocked. I never thought my husband would hit me. We've been together for over 4 years. The thing that scares me more than the fact that he actually slapped me, is that he then left the room and didn't even care that he hit me. My three year-old came into the bathroom as I was now crying sitting on the floor and cried with me. I got up and went to go get my glasses from beside the bed and he was still barking at me. Then I yelled: It's done. It's over. And started getting dressed. My son asked me: where are you going? I told him: we are leaving. THEN my husband got himself in gear and started to apologize. It wasn't as though he didn't know what the consequences of his actions would be. Before we ever got more serious years back I told him what my mother had told my dad: If you EVER hit me at ANY point in our relationship I am gone. I won't take it. I love him dearly, but this can't happen again. I decided to give him one more chance (which was a very difficult decision for me) and it appears at this point that he's going to couseling (under the condition that the couselor won't turn him into the police).

I don't know what to do. I am setting up the appointment for the couselor and am going to talk to a lawyer about my rights to take my kids out of state if he does this again. We have three kids and it's not like I can just grab a bag and leave. (But I am going to get a bag ready to go.) I am hoping for this not to happen again, but I won't think twice about staying if it does. I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.

Anyone else gone through this that has some tips for me? Anything else I need to consider. I'd really appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 1:32pm
This will happen again. It may be 2 or 3 years down the road, but it will happen again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 1:53pm

First of all, welcome to the board freedom.

5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 11:43am
I learned yesterday from talking with his sister that my husband was abused from the time he was about 7 until high school. Apparently his father never abused her or his brother. His father is the type to have to always be right and my husband is VERY stubborn. So when he wouldn't agree with his father, he would just keep making his point over and over again and I guess things got out of hand. She really didn't go into many details, but she said it was pretty bad. I didn't tell her about him slapping me. This does make a lot of things fit into place now though. I am glad he's going to couseling. Maybe he can deal with all that has happened to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 12:17pm
I'm sorry that your H went thru this, however I wouldn't let your guard down.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 12:56pm

Hi Freedom, welcome -


Wishful is right in that statistically less than 1% of abusers ever stop abusing.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 1:52pm
It's very sad that he was abused as a boy. But what happens sometimes, it when you get knocked around for the 10th or the 100th time, you may lose your sympathy for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 3:49pm

Freedom,

I left my husband of eight years in October of last year. He started out "just" yelling and calling me names; belittling me when I tried to talk to him. Then he began pushing or poking me when he was angry. As the years progressed it became more and more physical with any disagreement no matter how small or insignificant. When I left in October it was with a black eye that I got while holding our 1-year-old daughter in my arms. My husband also grew up in a very dysfunctional family. He saw his mother being abused and I suspect that he was abused as well. Sometimes he would go for weeks, even months at a time in between his angry outbursts. During those times he "appeared" to be the most wonderful, caring, loving husband, father, and stepfather in the world. Two months ago my oldest daughter revealed that he had been doing much the same to her that he had done to me for the months before we left.

When I left and filed for divorce he promised to go to counseling. He promised the world. I couldn't take the chance that he wouldn't be part of the (less than) 1%.

I loved my husband, I grieve the loss of my marriage and there are times when I still miss him. Bottom line is that there is no excuse, reason, or explanation for someone to put their hands on you in anger.

Take care of yourself and your children first and foremost. It sounds like that's what you're doing. Take support where you can get it and be safe.