Advice needed for friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2005
Advice needed for friend
6
Fri, 04-29-2005 - 10:58pm
I am just getting out of an emotionally abusive marriage, and will be filing for divorce within the next two months. I have a friend who has helped me immensely over the past couple of months, and I'm worried about her. After realizing my situation, I am concerned about hers. She is married, has a 2 and a 5yr old, does not work (although she has a BS in Forensics)and her husband is very controlling and abusive. He has cheated on her at least 14 times that she knows of, given her 3 STD's, one which caused her to miscarry (because he locked her in the house and wouldn't let her see a doctor even though she had a 104 degree fever). Since I have been talking with her about my situation, her husband has forbidden her to talk to me, since I make her 'rebellious', has slammed her head up against a concrete wall when she accused him of cheating on her again, hangs up on me when her husband comes in, and urinates on their carpet when he's drunk (if he's not hitting her). I have told her that if she stays with him, I fear she will be dead in a year, I told her for the safety and well-being of her children she needs to leave him. She has no hope left, and tells me she doesn't have much of a future, so she is choosing to stay with him. I want to send her information on shelters in her area, books on breaking out of abuse, etc, but he reads her emails and mail. She is in Denver, and I'm in Texas, so I can't go up and help her out like I want to. I am scared for her, and wanted to get suggestions on how I can help her. (I have offered to let her stay at my place, but so far she has refused) Thanks for your help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 10:00am

Free, thank goodness your friend has you.

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Sat, 04-30-2005 - 2:22pm
I'm going to prevent myself from sounding like a broken record, but Mama Harm hit it on the nail.
5yrssm 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2005
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 2:44am
Thanks for the additional info.... I have told her that by staying in her relationship, she is harming her kids. I asked her how she would feel if her daughter was treated the way she is, and how would she feel if her son treats his wife the same way their father treats their mom. I try to talk with her at least once a day, and I am definitely not judgemental. :) Her family lives a couple hours away, and are aware of the abuse, but her father cheated on and abused her mother (now divorced), so the cycle is being repeated. I will definitely get her the local DA number in Denver, as well as the national hotline. I've offered her a place to stay if she needs to get away, and have also offered to purchase a plane ticket for her if she needs it. My concern is that if she goes to stay with her family, her husband is still close enough to go after her. I will continue to stress how this will affect her children, and continue to stand by her.
Thanks for the tips!!!
Free :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2005
Sun, 05-01-2005 - 2:54am
I totally understand about her living with a demon, and I am scared for her. I would love to guide her to this board, but he checks and watches all her internet usage, forbids her to talk to me, etc. If I lived near her, I would take her in, and prevent him from getting to her. (Due to my husband's temper tantrums, I started taking Kung Fu, and am now a blue belt) I think I subconsciously feared that one day he would finally hit me. Not anymore!! I just want to help her get out before her husband puts her in the hospital.
I will try to point her to this board, and try to send her some information on local resources so she knows where to go. I have some money set aside so that if she needs to get out quickly, I can help her out.
Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 12:51pm

Hi there -


Harm and Wish gave some great advice, so I won't repeat it.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
Mon, 05-02-2005 - 1:15pm

I am from Colorado and I can tell you that Blue is right...Colorado DOES NOT mess around at all when it comes to these situations. I know because when I called the police on my abusive STBX after a physical altercation, I was arrested because he had a scratch on his chin (I fought back after he choked and threatened to kill me). I am now facing jail time for something I didn't do but because I was abused by him and he knew how to manipulate me and the judicial system, I pled guilty. That was the biggest mistake of my life, but I have not lost hope.

My dd was present during all of this. That was 4 years ago, and I am now in the middle of a very nasty divorce with alot of false allegations against me (drug and alcohol abuse). He is trying to get custody of our dd, but when it came right down to it, the GAL report said that he is a HORRIBLE father and she should not be in his care for more than 3 hours at a time, 2x a week. I was told that if I hadn't gotten out when I did, they would have taken my dd away from me and I would have been charged with dependancy and neglect. Now it's been proven that he is neglectful and there is no going back from here.

If you feel the need, have your friend (or yourself) email me and I will help anyway I can, including opening my home to her and her kids! It would be safe and quiet, and he would never know where they were. I am only about 62 miles away from Denver...let her know this is another option for her!

You are a wonderful friend and your friend is lucky to have you! Huge hugs to the both of you!

Melanie

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