advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
advice please
34
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 2:03pm
Hey everyone!! i've been lurking for months and i've decided to tell my story....Everyone seems to give incredible advice... I am 22 and i live with my boyfriend who i have been with for 1 year and a half. I am a full time student and he supports us. I am also in therapy trying to over come an eating disorder and other childhood issues. Well my boyfriend is a great guy if i do everything that he says. He tells me that I don't dress appropraite and I need to dress like a lady. He tells me i'm hard headed and that i rebell against everything that he says. He made me quit my job b/c a guy was flirting with me and he won't allow me to wait tables b/c that isn't what you do in a relationship... he would prefer me to be at home with him at night anyways. He says he hates hanging out with my friends b/c all we do is talk about high school things and we need to stop living in the past and grow up and stop acting like we're 5. He constantly tells me i disrespect him and that if i love him as much as i say i do then i would do everything he says and not question anything. ( I do all the responsibilities around the house).... im not allowed to tell him what im doing... i have to ask and he told me that if i ever tell him what i am going to do then its over b/c he avoids women like me. He says i push his buttons and i need to learn when to shut the **** up and one time i kept going with him and he grabbed me by my throat and told me again to shut up. He tells me that i am more like a man than i realize. He says that he feels like he's lost his manliness and his dignity and that i run over him. Im a very emotional person and i really just want to be respected and i feel like all my thoughts or ideas are stupid. He tells me im not normal, im psycho, i don't think outside the box, and he tells me that my therapy is making me hard headed and he thinks its a bunch of crap. He is now saying that my therapy has ruined this relationship. I have actually packed up all my stuff but i have not left yet. Now he is telling me that he doesn't think i can give him what he wants and he wants a lady and that he doesn't know what he wants anymore. So last night i left and he just let me walk out the door??? WTF?? he didn't even come after me. So i came back two hours later crying and he wants to know if i can give him what he wants in this relationship and i told him that i will be everything that he wants.... but he still doesn't know and doesn't know if he is in love with me ..... so im hurting so bad b/c i feel like i do so much for him and i give him so much emotionally but he can't do the same. He said that he's learned that people come and go and you can't worry about it. So do i wait around for an answer?? Is this an abusive/controlling relationship?? am i being manipulated?? I feel like my mind is going in circles and i don't even know what to believe and that maybe i am hard headed and i should give him what he deserves since he supports me?? Im jsut hurting so bad and i don't even know whats going on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 2:51pm

Welcome to the board Melessa :o)

I am so happy that you did decide to post after lurking for so long. I see many red flags in your post.. and it reminds me of my past abusive relationship.

It really sounds like he is your dad. He is in total control of you about everything in your life.. and he wants it that way so that's the only way it can be. You can't work becuase if you respect him you won't do that. He is manipulating you here. He is twisting the story around to blame you and say you don't respect him.. when in reality he does not respect you one bit. Even what you want to wear, he twists it around to sound like you are at fault. He won't let you be who you are... he is trying to mold you into the women that he wants. You are perfect the way you are okay.. do not let him tell you any different. My abuser tried to and succeded many times in getting me to change. I finally realized what was happening and got out and then realized how bad it was. The thing about you hanging out with your friends. He says it is because you always talk about high school... but you know what.. he doesn't want to hang out with them because he doesn't want you with them. He wants you all to himself and he doesn't want to share you. He sees you act like yourself and he doesn't like that. He is loosing control when you are with your friends and it probably drives him crazy that he can't control you.

"He constantly tells me i disrespect him and that if i love him as much as i say i do then i would do everything he says and not question anything." *** This makes me really mad when I hear men say this. It is sooo untrue!!!! If you love him and he loves you he will respect your decisions and let you make your own decisions. This is a very unhealthy relationship. It is all about power and control with abusers. One saying that I have heard and that is so true is "If he abuses you he doesn't respect you and if he respect you he doesn't abuse you"

Sound like it is just emotional verbal abuse at the moment but with him grabbing your throat, that tells me that it will soon worsen. It will go from bad to worse if you continue to stay in this relationship.

He is telling you that you are crazy and a psycho to make you feel like that to stop looking at him. He is the one with the problems, not you okay?

I am so happy to hear that you took that one step and packed up your stuff to leave. It is so very hard to make that first step to even pack your bags. You should be very proud of yourself. I am proud of you. He again is taking you on a rollercoaster ride to make you feel like he doesn't care. Deep down he does care he just is making you feel like you are the crazy one... which you aren't. This is a trick that abusers play to get their victims back in their arms. They play the I don't care about you card to make us feel like crap and then we come crawling back to them and make them take us back. It is a trick they play... They will go back to the old way even if they promise to change a million times.

I would run far far away from this man. He is dangerous to you and it really will only get worse not better. Go with your gut feeling.. and keep posting and lurking on the board. You are always welcome here... and we are all here for you.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 3:05pm

hi Melessa

You are involved in a very abusive relationship. Your boyfriend is controlling and manipulative. For example: When he says that your therapy has ruined the relationship, or when you said "Well my boyfriend is a great guy if i do everything that he says. He tells me that I don't dress appropraite and I need to dress like a lady. He tells me i'm hard headed and that i rebell against everything that he says. He made me quit my job b/c a guy was flirting with me and he won't allow me to wait tables b/c that isn't what you do in a relationship... he would prefer me to be at home with him at night anyways. He says he hates hanging out with my friends b/c all we do is talk about high school things and we need to stop living in the past and grow up and stop acting like we're 5."

Whether you realize this or not YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. Even though when someone goes through abused you are eventually conditioned by your abuser to believe that it is you who is the problem, but it's your boyfriend who has the problem.

You see Melessa the thing with abusers is they have a distorted view of reality, They want a slave, someone who will wait on them hand and foot 24 hrs/day. Does he make you feel guilty by saying "well I support you so you should do everything I ask, When I ask."

Melessa he expects you to give up everything at the snap of his fingers. It's only been a year and a half, things are getting worse. He grabbed you by the throat, that's serious, one day he might kill you.

My ex started out like your boyfriend, he used to strangle me and beat the s*** out of me 3-4 times a week. And he started out just like your bf, making small comments here and there.

I know what you're going through sweetie, I am 21 years old, I was with my abuser for 6 years, and he ripped me to pieces.

You need to get away from this guy Melissa, you're strong and beautiful, you're in school and you are going places in life. Please, you need to think about your future. In the meantime check out www.youarenotcrazy.com

If you can, buy the book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft, its an excellent read. It opened up my eyes and it will help you put things into perspective, you will begin to recognize that you are not the problem, HE Is.

You're so young and you deserve to have a wonderful and loving relationship, you deserve the love you've always dreamed of having. But I can tell you one thing, it will not be with him.

You can write me anytime, you are not alone Melessa.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 3:10pm
thank you so much lauren for your advice. It hurts so bad and i havn't left... i'm like waiting around like a puppy dog for him to tell me he wants me.... i know i need to have self respect but i really don't have any. Im trying to overcome a dang eating disorder but now i have no appetite to even eat. I can't honestly afford to lose any more weight. I just want to crawl in a corner and cry. I don't even feel like doing anything. I know i got over my first love but i don't remember how i even did it. I just know that being heartbroken is the worst feeling in the world. I just feel like im losing my mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 3:23pm
thank you rosie.... i appreciate everything... i just feel emotionally beat... i need the strength to drive away and not look back since my car is packed... i just don't know how to do it.... i wish i could do it right this second. im trying im so trying..... thank you for lifting me up! how can i get right mentally and make myself believe its okay to be me.......????????
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 4:10pm

Melessa, you are going to be ok. You already packed your bags, you are halfway there. I know you can leave, I know you will, you are brave and intelligent and there aren't many people your age who have been through what you've been through. I know that you can do this. You can't live like this anymore.

I left my ex 1 month ago, I packed up my bags just like you did, I remember that day like it was yesterday. I was hesitating to leave, I was crying and asking him why he had to treat me this way. I told him I deserved better. You know he got so angry, he said "after you get thrown aroudn and used, you'll come crawling back to me, and by then i'll be married." So I looked him dead in the eye and said "I've decided I am leaving", and I just picked up my bag and left his house." The last vision of him that I have is him standing in his driveway looking straight at me, angry as h*** and shaking his head. I haven't seen him since. It takes guts to leave Melessa, but I know You can do this. I didn't think I was strong, I thought I would never leave him, but something took over me that day (Sep 16). Melessa, you're strong, we'll help you on the board. You will go and see an abuse counselor, mine saved me. You will be ok. We'll help you, I will help you.

You can email me : v_codinluci@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 4:52pm
im trying to leave... im getting the courage and understand that i deserve better... please pray for me! i need everyone's support... im so lonely! i dont even know if im doing the right thing!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 5:01pm

We are all here praying for you.

It is terrifying to take that first step but I promise you, it will be the best thing you will ever do in your life. I'm two months out from telling my H that I was done and I already feel like a new person. There will be some serious ups and downs but you will survive.

Do you have some friends or family you can crash with? I know my friends and family were just quietly waiting for me to make my move and when I finally told them that I was leaving my H, they all were thrilled that they could do something to help.

Keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 9:50pm
wow... i don't understand why i would choose someone just like my mother... and its so funny b/c my BF knows i've been hurt by her and he will tell me im just like her. (but im not) ummmm.... well i didn't leave yet... please no one be mad at me.... we went out to eat and now we're back home and he's passed out already. I asked him if he knew that i was going to come back last night and he said... yes... i knew you we're going to come back.... I seriously thought he thougt i was for real and thats why i wondered why he didn't chase me. But why is he so confident that i won't leave?? He is so freaking cocky.. he always plays that song by justin timberlake.. "im bringing sexy back" and he sings it and acts like a cocky SOB and i can't stand it..... and then he tells me girls are a dime a dozen. So he wont tell me how much i mean to him but if i ask him if he loves me, wants me, or is in love with me he gives me a scarcastic yes. I told him i deserved to feel irreplacable and i want to feel wanted and i told him how much pain im in b/c he won't tell me these things and all i get is "im sorry." I also told him that if you love someone you should want to comfort their pain and he says that he is comforting me. He says he's here so obviously he wants me. Does this guy even want me? is he playing games with me? what is going on in his head?? maybe if i had a better understanding i would leave. I want to be loved. I also asked him.."do you not think i can find another man for me"? and he says... of course ... someone is always willing to screw... and i said no not sex... i said a man who is emotionally available and that adores me and he says.... yeah but he ain't me. I don't know.... he says he don't really care what happens b/c he don't get attached. I so want to have the strength to leave tomorrow.... i just want to know what goes on in his head so bad. oh and tonight at dinner he went to the restroom and my friend sarah called so i answered.... and when he sat back down he said " get off the phone" so i hung up with her and then i blew a bubble with my gum and he said..."stop that...thats rude"... and then i said....please tell me man what your thinking... and he said... dont say man... dont call me that..... so did i do something wrong???
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: melessa77
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 10:24pm
Hi Your story sounds so much like mine. I'm 25 but I was with my abuser since I was 20 yrs. old and although I supported him and did a lot of things that you mention he does I know how you feel. He is so controlling. I remember feeling like I was crazy all the time. Like he made so much sense once the argument was over yet always this sense of what just happened here. I loved him and so I always felt like I had to change to accomidate him and what he felt I should be and do although he would twist it and make it sound like he was doing what I wanted him to and he was trying so hard. Leave quickly. And you will probably feel sad and lonely and like a horrible person for a while but it does get harder and harder when you stay. you say you have all your friend and he says you talk about high school things he said almost the exact same things about me. I'm a strong person and was always a social butterfly but over the years I've found myself alone not because he directly forbade me from seeing them but because he made me feel dumb about them or like they didn't understand or a number of things that I now realize were unfair and controlling. I was even going to marry him at one point. Keep seeing your therapist and when you leave try finding a friend were you can totaly melt down and feel depressed because all those things happen. But if you do stay please keep writing here because this is such a great support and you don't have to leave the relationship in order to get support. let me know if you need to e-mail someone. We're really close in age and you really remind me of myself. But hang in there whatever you choose to do. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 10:50pm
how do i get my pic to show?? i was trying to do my profile

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