advice please
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advice please
| Fri, 10-20-2006 - 2:03pm |
Hey everyone!! i've been lurking for months and i've decided to tell my story....Everyone seems to give incredible advice... I am 22 and i live with my boyfriend who i have been with for 1 year and a half. I am a full time student and he supports us. I am also in therapy trying to over come an eating disorder and other childhood issues. Well my boyfriend is a great guy if i do everything that he says. He tells me that I don't dress appropraite and I need to dress like a lady. He tells me i'm hard headed and that i rebell against everything that he says. He made me quit my job b/c a guy was flirting with me and he won't allow me to wait tables b/c that isn't what you do in a relationship... he would prefer me to be at home with him at night anyways. He says he hates hanging out with my friends b/c all we do is talk about high school things and we need to stop living in the past and grow up and stop acting like we're 5. He constantly tells me i disrespect him and that if i love him as much as i say i do then i would do everything he says and not question anything. ( I do all the responsibilities around the house).... im not allowed to tell him what im doing... i have to ask and he told me that if i ever tell him what i am going to do then its over b/c he avoids women like me. He says i push his buttons and i need to learn when to shut the **** up and one time i kept going with him and he grabbed me by my throat and told me again to shut up. He tells me that i am more like a man than i realize. He says that he feels like he's lost his manliness and his dignity and that i run over him. Im a very emotional person and i really just want to be respected and i feel like all my thoughts or ideas are stupid. He tells me im not normal, im psycho, i don't think outside the box, and he tells me that my therapy is making me hard headed and he thinks its a bunch of crap. He is now saying that my therapy has ruined this relationship. I have actually packed up all my stuff but i have not left yet. Now he is telling me that he doesn't think i can give him what he wants and he wants a lady and that he doesn't know what he wants anymore. So last night i left and he just let me walk out the door??? WTF?? he didn't even come after me. So i came back two hours later crying and he wants to know if i can give him what he wants in this relationship and i told him that i will be everything that he wants.... but he still doesn't know and doesn't know if he is in love with me ..... so im hurting so bad b/c i feel like i do so much for him and i give him so much emotionally but he can't do the same. He said that he's learned that people come and go and you can't worry about it. So do i wait around for an answer?? Is this an abusive/controlling relationship?? am i being manipulated?? I feel like my mind is going in circles and i don't even know what to believe and that maybe i am hard headed and i should give him what he deserves since he supports me?? Im jsut hurting so bad and i don't even know whats going on.

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It takes time to get the courage and strength and energy to leave an abuser. You will get the strength. It takes everyone different amounts of time. Some might leave right away while others will take months or years to leave. You will know when you are ready to leave him. You already got the car all packed.. you just have to walk out of the door. You will be heading for a happy life.. a free life. Also, don't call yourself a fool. Don't be hard on yourself. Good Luck. I know how hard it is to leave, but it is the only option for you to get better... to be yourself... to be happy :o)
Lauren
One of my favorite quotes is "If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."
I just want to share this song with everyone if you havn't heard it yet..... by jessica simpson.. its helping me make my decesion.. i just keep hitting repeat
It's not that I don't wanna share my life with you baby
It's just that I'm the one I need to be true to baby
And I won't give up me to be part of you
It's not that I don't wanna have you in my life baby
It's just you gotta know that it's got to be right baby
Before I open up my heart to you
I don't need somebody to complete me
I complete myself
Nobody's got to belong to somebody else
I belong to me
I don't belong to you
My heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflection
I belong to me
I'm one not half of two
And if you're gonna love me
You should know this baby
I belong to me
I gotta let you know before I let you in, baby
That who I am is not about who I am with, baby
That don't mean I don't wanna be here with you
I do
I don't need somebody to complete me
I want you to know
I'll give up my love but I'm not giving up my soul
I belong to me
I don't belong to you
My heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflection
I belong to me
I'm one not half of two
And if you're gonna love me
You should know this baby
I belong to me
Oh yea
Love don't mean changing who you are to be
Who somebody wants you to be
Nobody's got to belong to nobody
Thats a good song.... Another couple songs that I love and that really do hit home for me are Evanesence - Call me when you're sober and JoJo - Too Little Too Late. Just the lyrics sometimes give me the chills.
Lauren
i just looked up those songs... those are good too! music is very therapuetic!
thank you
melessa
I'm praying for you Melessa. You know I think the best thing you can do right now is go and see an abuse counselor, They will really help you put this into perspective. This will begin to feel more real to you, that is when you will get the courage to leave.
You need to have your feelings validated and I'm not sure about you, but for a long time I took what my abuser said to heart, they are so good at making us believe that we are responsible for the abuse and it is our fault.
But melessa, it's not your fault, just like it wasn't mine, you are as good as gold to this guy, you do everything for him. Right now don't you feel like he is sucking you dry? You have no energy for anything else.
He is not good for you sweetie, I know this is probably the hardest thing you have to do. I know you still love him, but you need to leave and go to see an abuse counselor. If only for someone advice on the situation.
Way to go :o) I am so proud of you! You really did do the right thing even though you are hurting right now and maybe thinking that you made a mistake leaving. You didn't make a mistake. If you talk to him he will tell you that you made a mistake by leaving... but you know what he will say anything to try and make you feel guilty and that you made a mistake. Here is a website for you to check out of warning signs after you break up:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&msg=11856.1&ctx=4096
This really is an amazing checklist. When I split with my abuser, I read this and there was soo many things that he said on this list. It's crazy.
Keep posting as much as you like or need to. We are all here for you. Oh and the link that I gave you is on the Domestic Abuse - new Beginnings board. That is also a wonderful board to help you with your healing after abuse.
Lauren
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