advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
advice please
34
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 2:03pm
Hey everyone!! i've been lurking for months and i've decided to tell my story....Everyone seems to give incredible advice... I am 22 and i live with my boyfriend who i have been with for 1 year and a half. I am a full time student and he supports us. I am also in therapy trying to over come an eating disorder and other childhood issues. Well my boyfriend is a great guy if i do everything that he says. He tells me that I don't dress appropraite and I need to dress like a lady. He tells me i'm hard headed and that i rebell against everything that he says. He made me quit my job b/c a guy was flirting with me and he won't allow me to wait tables b/c that isn't what you do in a relationship... he would prefer me to be at home with him at night anyways. He says he hates hanging out with my friends b/c all we do is talk about high school things and we need to stop living in the past and grow up and stop acting like we're 5. He constantly tells me i disrespect him and that if i love him as much as i say i do then i would do everything he says and not question anything. ( I do all the responsibilities around the house).... im not allowed to tell him what im doing... i have to ask and he told me that if i ever tell him what i am going to do then its over b/c he avoids women like me. He says i push his buttons and i need to learn when to shut the **** up and one time i kept going with him and he grabbed me by my throat and told me again to shut up. He tells me that i am more like a man than i realize. He says that he feels like he's lost his manliness and his dignity and that i run over him. Im a very emotional person and i really just want to be respected and i feel like all my thoughts or ideas are stupid. He tells me im not normal, im psycho, i don't think outside the box, and he tells me that my therapy is making me hard headed and he thinks its a bunch of crap. He is now saying that my therapy has ruined this relationship. I have actually packed up all my stuff but i have not left yet. Now he is telling me that he doesn't think i can give him what he wants and he wants a lady and that he doesn't know what he wants anymore. So last night i left and he just let me walk out the door??? WTF?? he didn't even come after me. So i came back two hours later crying and he wants to know if i can give him what he wants in this relationship and i told him that i will be everything that he wants.... but he still doesn't know and doesn't know if he is in love with me ..... so im hurting so bad b/c i feel like i do so much for him and i give him so much emotionally but he can't do the same. He said that he's learned that people come and go and you can't worry about it. So do i wait around for an answer?? Is this an abusive/controlling relationship?? am i being manipulated?? I feel like my mind is going in circles and i don't even know what to believe and that maybe i am hard headed and i should give him what he deserves since he supports me?? Im jsut hurting so bad and i don't even know whats going on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 11:06pm
thank you dragon fly.... are you glad that you left?? my car is still packed and i don't know why im hesitating... one verse that is really sticking out to me right now is Proverbs 12:15 The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice..... my dad told me that what is so amazing about the bible is you interpret that quote the way god wants you to... 10 years from now i could interpret it different... so the way im interpreting it is.... im a fool for staying and i'd be wise to listen to everyone on this board and leave. Am i right?? I don't understand why im still here... im praying!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 11:11pm

It takes time to get the courage and strength and energy to leave an abuser. You will get the strength. It takes everyone different amounts of time. Some might leave right away while others will take months or years to leave. You will know when you are ready to leave him. You already got the car all packed.. you just have to walk out of the door. You will be heading for a happy life.. a free life. Also, don't call yourself a fool. Don't be hard on yourself. Good Luck. I know how hard it is to leave, but it is the only option for you to get better... to be yourself... to be happy :o)

Lauren

One of my favorite quotes is "If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 11:18pm

I just want to share this song with everyone if you havn't heard it yet..... by jessica simpson.. its helping me make my decesion.. i just keep hitting repeat

It's not that I don't wanna share my life with you baby
It's just that I'm the one I need to be true to baby
And I won't give up me to be part of you
It's not that I don't wanna have you in my life baby
It's just you gotta know that it's got to be right baby
Before I open up my heart to you

I don't need somebody to complete me
I complete myself
Nobody's got to belong to somebody else

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
My heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflection
I belong to me
I'm one not half of two
And if you're gonna love me
You should know this baby
I belong to me

I gotta let you know before I let you in, baby
That who I am is not about who I am with, baby
That don't mean I don't wanna be here with you
I do

I don't need somebody to complete me
I want you to know
I'll give up my love but I'm not giving up my soul

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
My heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflection
I belong to me
I'm one not half of two
And if you're gonna love me
You should know this baby
I belong to me

Oh yea

Love don't mean changing who you are to be
Who somebody wants you to be
Nobody's got to belong to nobody

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 11:23pm

Thats a good song.... Another couple songs that I love and that really do hit home for me are Evanesence - Call me when you're sober and JoJo - Too Little Too Late. Just the lyrics sometimes give me the chills.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 12:04am

i just looked up those songs... those are good too! music is very therapuetic!

thank you

melessa

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Sat, 10-21-2006 - 10:41am

I'm praying for you Melessa. You know I think the best thing you can do right now is go and see an abuse counselor, They will really help you put this into perspective. This will begin to feel more real to you, that is when you will get the courage to leave.

You need to have your feelings validated and I'm not sure about you, but for a long time I took what my abuser said to heart, they are so good at making us believe that we are responsible for the abuse and it is our fault.
But melessa, it's not your fault, just like it wasn't mine, you are as good as gold to this guy, you do everything for him. Right now don't you feel like he is sucking you dry? You have no energy for anything else.

He is not good for you sweetie, I know this is probably the hardest thing you have to do. I know you still love him, but you need to leave and go to see an abuse counselor. If only for someone advice on the situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 6:22am
OOOOOOOOOH...I WISH YOU WERE MY DAUGHTER..This male I refuse to call him a man is a total control freak..Pack your bags and run..Given enough time he will play so many mind games your head will be in tatters and you will look in the mirror one day and you wont know who you are. Hes trouble with a capital T...NO MATTER HOW HARD you try to please him there will always be something else he wants...Its a master slave situation..hes a freak who needs help..Get out of this vile relationship now whilst you can dont end up another police statistic.please do this now..good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 11:34am
Well i would like to update everyone... i know its 6:30 am but i left last night at 8:00 pm. He told me that i was a f***** moron so i threw him a peace sign and left. Then i went by my old job where i use to wait tables and i got my job back which i start monday night and then I went by my dads and dropped off all my stuff and then now im at my sisters apartment with her. We went out tonight and honestly im just about to hit the bed. It hasn't hit me yet and he hasn't called but i'm hoping that i will be okay! Everyone's advice was wonderful and thank you all for everything! I hope i made the right decesion but i know i did... it just sucks to go through the pain and hopefully it won't hurt long or if it even does. i would still appreciate any support b/c you all have been wonderful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 2:39pm

Way to go :o) I am so proud of you! You really did do the right thing even though you are hurting right now and maybe thinking that you made a mistake leaving. You didn't make a mistake. If you talk to him he will tell you that you made a mistake by leaving... but you know what he will say anything to try and make you feel guilty and that you made a mistake. Here is a website for you to check out of warning signs after you break up:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmakeitstop&msg=11856.1&ctx=4096

This really is an amazing checklist. When I split with my abuser, I read this and there was soo many things that he said on this list. It's crazy.

Keep posting as much as you like or need to. We are all here for you. Oh and the link that I gave you is on the Domestic Abuse - new Beginnings board. That is also a wonderful board to help you with your healing after abuse.

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 3:52pm
thank you!! it helps when people tell me i did the right thing. I am in the dumps right now and im so depressed and missing him and i keep reminding myself that it is an abusive relationship and i wont cry but then ill just break down and lose it. He is pretty much saying that he doesn't want me back b/c i didn't respect him and he knows i will never change. He is saying that he wants a lady and i can't give that to him so i personally don't think he will come begging me back. I've tried telling him that he didn't respect me and he won't take responsibility for that. Its still all my fault that its over. ugh.. i just want to not cry over this guy!