advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
advice please
34
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 2:03pm
Hey everyone!! i've been lurking for months and i've decided to tell my story....Everyone seems to give incredible advice... I am 22 and i live with my boyfriend who i have been with for 1 year and a half. I am a full time student and he supports us. I am also in therapy trying to over come an eating disorder and other childhood issues. Well my boyfriend is a great guy if i do everything that he says. He tells me that I don't dress appropraite and I need to dress like a lady. He tells me i'm hard headed and that i rebell against everything that he says. He made me quit my job b/c a guy was flirting with me and he won't allow me to wait tables b/c that isn't what you do in a relationship... he would prefer me to be at home with him at night anyways. He says he hates hanging out with my friends b/c all we do is talk about high school things and we need to stop living in the past and grow up and stop acting like we're 5. He constantly tells me i disrespect him and that if i love him as much as i say i do then i would do everything he says and not question anything. ( I do all the responsibilities around the house).... im not allowed to tell him what im doing... i have to ask and he told me that if i ever tell him what i am going to do then its over b/c he avoids women like me. He says i push his buttons and i need to learn when to shut the **** up and one time i kept going with him and he grabbed me by my throat and told me again to shut up. He tells me that i am more like a man than i realize. He says that he feels like he's lost his manliness and his dignity and that i run over him. Im a very emotional person and i really just want to be respected and i feel like all my thoughts or ideas are stupid. He tells me im not normal, im psycho, i don't think outside the box, and he tells me that my therapy is making me hard headed and he thinks its a bunch of crap. He is now saying that my therapy has ruined this relationship. I have actually packed up all my stuff but i have not left yet. Now he is telling me that he doesn't think i can give him what he wants and he wants a lady and that he doesn't know what he wants anymore. So last night i left and he just let me walk out the door??? WTF?? he didn't even come after me. So i came back two hours later crying and he wants to know if i can give him what he wants in this relationship and i told him that i will be everything that he wants.... but he still doesn't know and doesn't know if he is in love with me ..... so im hurting so bad b/c i feel like i do so much for him and i give him so much emotionally but he can't do the same. He said that he's learned that people come and go and you can't worry about it. So do i wait around for an answer?? Is this an abusive/controlling relationship?? am i being manipulated?? I feel like my mind is going in circles and i don't even know what to believe and that maybe i am hard headed and i should give him what he deserves since he supports me?? Im jsut hurting so bad and i don't even know whats going on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 4:19pm

Cry all you want and need too. It is not bad that you are crying over this guy. Do you know how many times I hav cried for my abuser.. and I still cry? A LOT is I can say. Don't give yourself a hard time about crying... You need to let those emotions out and crying really is wonderful.

I had a big meltdown on Friday night over my abuser. I don't know why I started crying in the first place.. but I let it all out and I felt better after I cried. We split in July and at times I am still sad. But I do know that I did the right thing.

"He is pretty much saying that he doesn't want me back b/c i didn't respect him and he knows i will never change." *** You do not need to change a thing about yourself okay? He is the problem here and you did nothing wrong. You were being yourself. He is putting the blame onto you becuase he failed in trying to control you and he lost. Abusers are all about power and control. You did nothing wrong here. My abuser used to say the same thing... I respect you, but you don't respect me. It is totally backwards!!! It made me sooo mad!! Remember this: If he abuses you he doesn't respect you and if he repsects you he doesn't abuse you.

"He is saying that he wants a lady and i can't give that to him so i personally don't think he will come begging me back." ***He is saying that to take you on another rollercoaster ride. He knows what bothers you and what to do to push your buttons. He is only doing this to piss you off. He is pissed that he lost you and lost control over you and that you got stronger and left. Maybe he is saying that also so you will go crawling back to him. They really have a way of saying things to make us feel bad and beg them to take us back. They are sick sick men!! They have a mind of their own and it is totally backwards or totally warped.

1 more thing that really helped me open my eyes to abusive men is the book "Why does he do that" By Lundy Bancroft. You will probably here this book from time to time. It really is an amazing book and I really suggest you get it to understand how your Ex operates.

Good Luck.. and keep posting away. I am always here to help
Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 4:23am
I am so pleased for you I know you will feel alot of mixed emotions for awhile but look what you have acheived in such a short time....Good luck..will be thinking of you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 11:25am

I am so proud of you Melessa.

You are going to see, it will be hard in the beginning, but You will get better with each day.

it has been one month since I have left my abuser, and I am doing much better already. There will be ups and down, but I ceased all contract with him.

There most importand thing you can do now is not to accept phone calls, text messages or emails. Dont' talk to him. He will manipulate you into going back to him otherwise.

It took so much guts to do what you did, You should be so proud of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
In reply to: melessa77
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 11:38am

Hey girl. I just read through some of your posts. You did the right thing!!!!!

I had a boyfriend in college I was madly in love with the guy. Madly. And I cried many, many nights over him. The things he did and said. We went out, we broke up, we went out, we broke up. He was hurting me often but I still felt I loved him. Well we stopped talking and years went by. Now every once in a while I talk to him. He says the most unbelievably rude things! And I just say something like, "that was really rude, I am getting off the phone." I get off the phone and that is it - we don't talk for another year and I don't care. I have no tears for him. I don't feel in love with him. In fact I feel like I grew a lot and he did not. I am shocked by the things he says now, but he used to say the same things to me all the time and because I was so immersed in the situation I couldn't even see it.

Again you did the right thing. Someday you will wonder what you saw in him. In the meantime stay very busy. I am glad you got the waitressing job back. I used to love doing that - such a social job. I will look for your future posts....good job what you did to a lot of courage!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 11:24am
omg... let me update everyone! okay.. so monday night i went to work waiting tables right..... well i had a blast actually!! i got to challenge myself.... well after that i went and met my best friend becky for a drink and to talk and what not..... well her best friend calls her and she tells him she's with me and we're drinking and she'll call him back.... well her best friend is also my ex's best friend ( i introduced them when me and my ex we're dating ) so he called my ex and told my ex that i was out drinking and i was probably going to drive. Well my car and insurance is still in his name so he calls me and i did not answer. This is about 10pm... well get this.... he calls my dad and tells my dad that im driving drunk (and i live with my dad now) so my dad calls me and tells me my ex called him and told him i was driving drunk and my dad wanted to make sure i was okay. Well i told my dad i've only had one drink and blah blah and he said ... okay i just want to make sure your okay..... so anyways.... my ex called about 15 more times and i never answered. Well i called him back at midnight when im on my way home b/c he sent a text message saying please call him. Well he said that he was just worried about me and that the car and insurance is still in his name and that he cares about me and wants me to be safe. He also said that he wasn't worried about the men he was just worried about me driving drunk. ( Well im not that stupid ) so anyways we decided to talk last night so i came over last night and we talked and he wants to give it another chance..... He never said that he would change or what not..... I mean why did he really call me?? Im so confused and he still isn't opening up.... just says he's willing to give it another chance.... am i stupid?? I have not moved back in yet.... everything is still w/ my dad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 12:26pm

Hi Melessa

I know you still really love this guy, and this is really hard for you. But taking him back would be the biggest mistake you can ever make. Melessa, He can't change, he won't change, not now, not ever. (I'm sorry if this sounds mean) I left my ex for the 1 st time in march and he called me about 40 times that night, I finally answered. He said "I love you more than life, I am so sorry for everything I put you through and I want you back babe" when I heard that I ran back into his arms. Back to his abuse. It didn't take him long to restart melessa, he waited about 10 days before he began beating me and verbally abusing me again. I don't think that its a good idea to ever take this guy back. He is controlling, manipulative and has been physically abusive to you in the past. I guarantee you that the abuse will restart again. You are doing so well right now without him, you have your old job back. Melessa you are rebuilding your life! I was so happy to hear that you had left him. Please you gotta think about it at least, He will abuse you again. These men can't change.

Do you know that 9 out of 10 abusive mean don't change? Ever. Even if he were to go to abuse counseling for several years he still wouldn't change. It takes like 10 years of intense abuse therapy, day and night for these guys to change. Most of them don't even after all that. He is wired this way. He has a distorted view of you (his partner) and a distorded value system.

One day you will meet someone else. Is that your pic in your profile? You're so beautiful, I know It won't be long before you meet someone. The guy of your dreams. I know you love this guy, but think about the future. you will find love again, but it will be with someone sweet and caring, a guy who is more compatible for you. Not an angry and controlling guy like your Ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 12:31pm

Ok, if you do give him another chance, it is very very likely that it will just go back to the way he treated you before. He never said he would change or anything. He doesn't even think that he did anything wrong... which is wrong!! He is the problem here, not you.

I think that he called you to suck you back in. Suck you back in love with him, suck you back into that horrible relationship. Of course he is willing to give it another chance, because he is the abuser. They never think they ever do anything wrong.

I do not think you should go back to him. It will be the exact same it was before. Stay strong girl!

Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2005
In reply to: melessa77
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 10:02pm

OMG, woman... you without question ROCK!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 1:50am
ok everyone... here is a crapy update..... so im retarted and went back (did not move back in) but thought we could give it another chance right?? WTF was i thinking?? well tonight we went out to eat and everything was fine.... well we are sitting there and i started crying.... and he's like whats wrong?? and i said "i just feel like i care and fight for us a lot more than you do" and he says... "well someone always cares more than the other".... haha.... so i start crying more..... well then i ordered a shot b/c i needed some alcohol b/c then i don't feel pain right?? well i kind of got drunk..... well then me and my big mouth starts asking him to please let me know how he feels.... (well i've been saying this for months, and he keeps telling me that he will tell me when i stop asking)... but i can't stop b/c im hurting so bad... and you would think he would want to comfort me right?? well WRONG!! so we get back to the house and i started balling and he just wants me to relax and tells me that he's still skeptical of everything b/c he doesn't know if i can be the lady he wants me to be....?? well i lose it... and i called my friend becky b/c i needed comfort and im crying to her telling her that i don't understand how someone cannot comfort someone else and i was telling her how i've put my heart and soul into all this right?? well he comes in the room and takes my phone.... he gets pissed b/c i was telling our business and tells me that i don't respect him..... so im crying and crying and crying.... and he's telling me to go to bed..... he told me we are done... he doesn't want me.... i have way to many issues... im crazy... im psycho..... but i don't feel as though i have issues.... Im a girl who is in love with a man who won't express himself to me b/c he's skeptical?? do i have a right to be upset?? So i tipped over the trashcan, threw the mail on the floor and then he tells me im really psycho..... im FREAKING hurting like hell...... he doesn't get it.... so then i told him to look me in the eyes and tell me he doesn't want me.... Well guess what?? he did it.... he looked me in the eyes and told me he does not want me. Why in the hell am i still upset?? i feel like i've tried everything and gave myself to a cold hearted SOB....... so i guess right now im waiting to sober up and go back home..... please what the hell is wrong with me and is it me and if everyone say it isn't then why am i hung up on a cold hearted man?? im losing it.... if he was really in love with me and saw me in so much pain, wouldn't he tell me how much he loves me and comfort me??
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 11:58am

Ok, first of all don't beat yourself up over going back. You aren't retarded at all!

You know what, there will never be a lady good enough for him period. Nothing is ever god enough for abusers ever. You need to understand that. Feel sorry for the next girl that comes along.. because she will have to deal will all his BS, not you!! Also, ypu do respect him, he is the one that doesn't respect you. Abusers are totally backwards with the word respect. I really think they means something else. my abuser said that I didn't respect him... Huh? Yeah I did.. but not in his opinion. Nothing is ever good enough period. You are not psycho either... he is the crazy one. He is putting all of his problems onto you now. He is the problem here. You are not the problem at all!

Honestly, it is good that he doesnt want you anymore and I know that might be a bit mean, but it is true. You deserve so much better than that man. He is nothing compared to you. He will get another women and he will treat her the same way he treated you. Nothing is wrong with you for feeling this way. Abusers brainwash us, they make us feel like we don't deserve anybody but them... but that isn't true.

"if he was really in love with me and saw me in so much pain, wouldn't he tell me how much he loves me and comfort me??" ** Yes he would. He doesn't care how you are feeling. He wants you to feel pain and for you to cry over him. I bet it's a power trip for abusers. You deserve a man that will say he loves you and won't yell at you and call you names. He is out there. As soon as you take the no contact rule, the closer you are at finding him.

Lauren

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