advice please
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advice please
| Fri, 10-20-2006 - 2:03pm |
Hey everyone!! i've been lurking for months and i've decided to tell my story....Everyone seems to give incredible advice... I am 22 and i live with my boyfriend who i have been with for 1 year and a half. I am a full time student and he supports us. I am also in therapy trying to over come an eating disorder and other childhood issues. Well my boyfriend is a great guy if i do everything that he says. He tells me that I don't dress appropraite and I need to dress like a lady. He tells me i'm hard headed and that i rebell against everything that he says. He made me quit my job b/c a guy was flirting with me and he won't allow me to wait tables b/c that isn't what you do in a relationship... he would prefer me to be at home with him at night anyways. He says he hates hanging out with my friends b/c all we do is talk about high school things and we need to stop living in the past and grow up and stop acting like we're 5. He constantly tells me i disrespect him and that if i love him as much as i say i do then i would do everything he says and not question anything. ( I do all the responsibilities around the house).... im not allowed to tell him what im doing... i have to ask and he told me that if i ever tell him what i am going to do then its over b/c he avoids women like me. He says i push his buttons and i need to learn when to shut the **** up and one time i kept going with him and he grabbed me by my throat and told me again to shut up. He tells me that i am more like a man than i realize. He says that he feels like he's lost his manliness and his dignity and that i run over him. Im a very emotional person and i really just want to be respected and i feel like all my thoughts or ideas are stupid. He tells me im not normal, im psycho, i don't think outside the box, and he tells me that my therapy is making me hard headed and he thinks its a bunch of crap. He is now saying that my therapy has ruined this relationship. I have actually packed up all my stuff but i have not left yet. Now he is telling me that he doesn't think i can give him what he wants and he wants a lady and that he doesn't know what he wants anymore. So last night i left and he just let me walk out the door??? WTF?? he didn't even come after me. So i came back two hours later crying and he wants to know if i can give him what he wants in this relationship and i told him that i will be everything that he wants.... but he still doesn't know and doesn't know if he is in love with me ..... so im hurting so bad b/c i feel like i do so much for him and i give him so much emotionally but he can't do the same. He said that he's learned that people come and go and you can't worry about it. So do i wait around for an answer?? Is this an abusive/controlling relationship?? am i being manipulated?? I feel like my mind is going in circles and i don't even know what to believe and that maybe i am hard headed and i should give him what he deserves since he supports me?? Im jsut hurting so bad and i don't even know whats going on.

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Cry all you want and need too. It is not bad that you are crying over this guy. Do you know how many times I hav cried for my abuser.. and I still cry? A LOT is I can say. Don't give yourself a hard time about crying... You need to let those emotions out and crying really is wonderful.
I had a big meltdown on Friday night over my abuser. I don't know why I started crying in the first place.. but I let it all out and I felt better after I cried. We split in July and at times I am still sad. But I do know that I did the right thing.
"He is pretty much saying that he doesn't want me back b/c i didn't respect him and he knows i will never change." *** You do not need to change a thing about yourself okay? He is the problem here and you did nothing wrong. You were being yourself. He is putting the blame onto you becuase he failed in trying to control you and he lost. Abusers are all about power and control. You did nothing wrong here. My abuser used to say the same thing... I respect you, but you don't respect me. It is totally backwards!!! It made me sooo mad!! Remember this: If he abuses you he doesn't respect you and if he repsects you he doesn't abuse you.
"He is saying that he wants a lady and i can't give that to him so i personally don't think he will come begging me back." ***He is saying that to take you on another rollercoaster ride. He knows what bothers you and what to do to push your buttons. He is only doing this to piss you off. He is pissed that he lost you and lost control over you and that you got stronger and left. Maybe he is saying that also so you will go crawling back to him. They really have a way of saying things to make us feel bad and beg them to take us back. They are sick sick men!! They have a mind of their own and it is totally backwards or totally warped.
1 more thing that really helped me open my eyes to abusive men is the book "Why does he do that" By Lundy Bancroft. You will probably here this book from time to time. It really is an amazing book and I really suggest you get it to understand how your Ex operates.
Good Luck.. and keep posting away. I am always here to help
Lauren
I am so proud of you Melessa.
You are going to see, it will be hard in the beginning, but You will get better with each day.
it has been one month since I have left my abuser, and I am doing much better already. There will be ups and down, but I ceased all contract with him.
There most importand thing you can do now is not to accept phone calls, text messages or emails. Dont' talk to him. He will manipulate you into going back to him otherwise.
It took so much guts to do what you did, You should be so proud of yourself.
Hey girl. I just read through some of your posts. You did the right thing!!!!!
I had a boyfriend in college I was madly in love with the guy. Madly. And I cried many, many nights over him. The things he did and said. We went out, we broke up, we went out, we broke up. He was hurting me often but I still felt I loved him. Well we stopped talking and years went by. Now every once in a while I talk to him. He says the most unbelievably rude things! And I just say something like, "that was really rude, I am getting off the phone." I get off the phone and that is it - we don't talk for another year and I don't care. I have no tears for him. I don't feel in love with him. In fact I feel like I grew a lot and he did not. I am shocked by the things he says now, but he used to say the same things to me all the time and because I was so immersed in the situation I couldn't even see it.
Again you did the right thing. Someday you will wonder what you saw in him. In the meantime stay very busy. I am glad you got the waitressing job back. I used to love doing that - such a social job. I will look for your future posts....good job what you did to a lot of courage!!!
Hi Melessa
I know you still really love this guy, and this is really hard for you. But taking him back would be the biggest mistake you can ever make. Melessa, He can't change, he won't change, not now, not ever. (I'm sorry if this sounds mean) I left my ex for the 1 st time in march and he called me about 40 times that night, I finally answered. He said "I love you more than life, I am so sorry for everything I put you through and I want you back babe" when I heard that I ran back into his arms. Back to his abuse. It didn't take him long to restart melessa, he waited about 10 days before he began beating me and verbally abusing me again. I don't think that its a good idea to ever take this guy back. He is controlling, manipulative and has been physically abusive to you in the past. I guarantee you that the abuse will restart again. You are doing so well right now without him, you have your old job back. Melessa you are rebuilding your life! I was so happy to hear that you had left him. Please you gotta think about it at least, He will abuse you again. These men can't change.
Do you know that 9 out of 10 abusive mean don't change? Ever. Even if he were to go to abuse counseling for several years he still wouldn't change. It takes like 10 years of intense abuse therapy, day and night for these guys to change. Most of them don't even after all that. He is wired this way. He has a distorted view of you (his partner) and a distorded value system.
One day you will meet someone else. Is that your pic in your profile? You're so beautiful, I know It won't be long before you meet someone. The guy of your dreams. I know you love this guy, but think about the future. you will find love again, but it will be with someone sweet and caring, a guy who is more compatible for you. Not an angry and controlling guy like your Ex.
Ok, if you do give him another chance, it is very very likely that it will just go back to the way he treated you before. He never said he would change or anything. He doesn't even think that he did anything wrong... which is wrong!! He is the problem here, not you.
I think that he called you to suck you back in. Suck you back in love with him, suck you back into that horrible relationship. Of course he is willing to give it another chance, because he is the abuser. They never think they ever do anything wrong.
I do not think you should go back to him. It will be the exact same it was before. Stay strong girl!
Lauren
OMG, woman... you without question ROCK!
Ok, first of all don't beat yourself up over going back. You aren't retarded at all!
You know what, there will never be a lady good enough for him period. Nothing is ever god enough for abusers ever. You need to understand that. Feel sorry for the next girl that comes along.. because she will have to deal will all his BS, not you!! Also, ypu do respect him, he is the one that doesn't respect you. Abusers are totally backwards with the word respect. I really think they means something else. my abuser said that I didn't respect him... Huh? Yeah I did.. but not in his opinion. Nothing is ever good enough period. You are not psycho either... he is the crazy one. He is putting all of his problems onto you now. He is the problem here. You are not the problem at all!
Honestly, it is good that he doesnt want you anymore and I know that might be a bit mean, but it is true. You deserve so much better than that man. He is nothing compared to you. He will get another women and he will treat her the same way he treated you. Nothing is wrong with you for feeling this way. Abusers brainwash us, they make us feel like we don't deserve anybody but them... but that isn't true.
"if he was really in love with me and saw me in so much pain, wouldn't he tell me how much he loves me and comfort me??" ** Yes he would. He doesn't care how you are feeling. He wants you to feel pain and for you to cry over him. I bet it's a power trip for abusers. You deserve a man that will say he loves you and won't yell at you and call you names. He is out there. As soon as you take the no contact rule, the closer you are at finding him.
Lauren
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