advice please

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
advice please
34
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 2:03pm
Hey everyone!! i've been lurking for months and i've decided to tell my story....Everyone seems to give incredible advice... I am 22 and i live with my boyfriend who i have been with for 1 year and a half. I am a full time student and he supports us. I am also in therapy trying to over come an eating disorder and other childhood issues. Well my boyfriend is a great guy if i do everything that he says. He tells me that I don't dress appropraite and I need to dress like a lady. He tells me i'm hard headed and that i rebell against everything that he says. He made me quit my job b/c a guy was flirting with me and he won't allow me to wait tables b/c that isn't what you do in a relationship... he would prefer me to be at home with him at night anyways. He says he hates hanging out with my friends b/c all we do is talk about high school things and we need to stop living in the past and grow up and stop acting like we're 5. He constantly tells me i disrespect him and that if i love him as much as i say i do then i would do everything he says and not question anything. ( I do all the responsibilities around the house).... im not allowed to tell him what im doing... i have to ask and he told me that if i ever tell him what i am going to do then its over b/c he avoids women like me. He says i push his buttons and i need to learn when to shut the **** up and one time i kept going with him and he grabbed me by my throat and told me again to shut up. He tells me that i am more like a man than i realize. He says that he feels like he's lost his manliness and his dignity and that i run over him. Im a very emotional person and i really just want to be respected and i feel like all my thoughts or ideas are stupid. He tells me im not normal, im psycho, i don't think outside the box, and he tells me that my therapy is making me hard headed and he thinks its a bunch of crap. He is now saying that my therapy has ruined this relationship. I have actually packed up all my stuff but i have not left yet. Now he is telling me that he doesn't think i can give him what he wants and he wants a lady and that he doesn't know what he wants anymore. So last night i left and he just let me walk out the door??? WTF?? he didn't even come after me. So i came back two hours later crying and he wants to know if i can give him what he wants in this relationship and i told him that i will be everything that he wants.... but he still doesn't know and doesn't know if he is in love with me ..... so im hurting so bad b/c i feel like i do so much for him and i give him so much emotionally but he can't do the same. He said that he's learned that people come and go and you can't worry about it. So do i wait around for an answer?? Is this an abusive/controlling relationship?? am i being manipulated?? I feel like my mind is going in circles and i don't even know what to believe and that maybe i am hard headed and i should give him what he deserves since he supports me?? Im jsut hurting so bad and i don't even know whats going on.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 12:47pm
hey everyone.... okay so i left again..... he doesn't love me and he doesn't care... i dont really know what to type right now b/c it hurts... but i did leave again
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 8:25am

thank you everyone!! i left yesterday morning and i havn't talked to him since... almost 24 hours... so i went and met up w/ my sister last night and got trashed again. I had way to much tequilla last night and puked for a while. ugh... but i did talk to sheila yesterday on the phone for about an hour and she helped me out even more along w/ eveyone else on this board.... I don't know why i feel like its all my fault. I've always tried to please people which of course never works and that alone has caused me to be bulimic. I am in therapy for the whole bulimia thing and it has got a lot better and im just scared that its going to come back through all this but im trying to not let it. Im trying to make myself eat once a day even though i have no appetite. I don't want to go through this eating disorder anymore but a part of me feels that when i find my new independence that it will disappear b/c i will be in control of my life again...... its going on three years now and i can't deal w/ an ED anymore. This is pretty hard right now... im trying to let go of my ED and accept that its not me... i don't know if i've posted about my mom before but she has very high expectations of me and i've never met them either and she actually called me yesterday and left me a voice mail telling me that she's hurt right now and i will never understand how much she loves me but i broke her heart b/c she opened up her home to me and i went and moved in with my dad. She went on to say that she's not mad at me just hurt and she needs time to deal with this so she can't talk to me right now.. she also stated that she's seeing her therapist about this and time will heal the pain but to know that she loves me more than anything...... AND she wonders why i did'nt move in w/ her...... my dad accepts me for everything i am and i don't want to move in w/ my mom who is constantly trying to change me too. I need to be me ....... my mom tries to change my clothes and buy me name brand things.... but ya'll i dont' have to have name brand ****. So im trying to be selfish for the time being and think about me but im not a selfish person so its killing me... i hate when i don't please people..... good god..... this is where im at right now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 11:43am

i know you have a lot to deal with now melessa. I know what you mean about trying to constantly please people, I do that a lot myself. It's almost like I feel guilty when I do something for myself, or tell people no. Are you getting help for the bulimia?

Listen if you ever need to talk or just vent, you can email me at v_codinluci@hotmail.com

I know that this is hard and you will hurt for awhile, you just got out of this relationship, it's normal you still have love for him and it's normal to miss him as well. But with time these feelings will fade. What you did was an incredible thing, it took guts and courage to leave him. One of the hardest things is ending an abusive relationship, and you did it, you should be so proud of yourself.

Nevermind what your mom says, who you choose to live with is entirely up to you. You don't need this right now, she should know better than to make you feel guilty at this time in your life.

I have been out of my abusive relationship for 1 1/2 months. At the beginning, I ddin't think I could survive without him, I was always crying and I wanted to call him and talk to him, but I didn't because I knew that he would manipulate me and guilt me into going back to him.

Today, I feel incredible, free from him and honestly I don't love him anymore. I don't ever miss him. When I have a doubt or i am reminded of him, I say to myself, it has been such a long time that things were bad bettwen us, that there is no good to miss.

One day you will be able to see it like this. Just give yourself time, take care of yourself, buy yourself nice things. You've been through hell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
In reply to: melessa77
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 11:57pm
okay so ya'll im actually doing really good! Im getting out there and meeting all sorts of people and i love it.... would it be weird to ask if i was ever in love with him?? i don't feel hurt at all.... i feel free and relaxed... i could careless about what he is doing... im almost thankful that its not me anymore. Im just kind of skeptical of myself right now wondering... why arn't i hurting?? or am i in denial?? i don't know... i had a lot of fun waiting tables tonight... i love to meet people... im kind of confused at the moment.... i just don't understand why im not hurting?? i just don't want it to catch back up to me... thats all. Well i went and bought a book today its called the verbally abusive man.. can he change?? i thought it would give me some insight on what to look for in the future and a better understanding.... who knows.... my ex actually called me last night and said that he can't believe im already talking to other guys and so forth... i obviously didn't love him.... some how he is finding out information but thats another story... the thing is .. im not hooking up... im just expanding my social circle again b/c he took it from me.... so yeah.. i am getting out there and already meeting people... so what?? he said i didn't respect him b/c i didn't wait long enough?? when did there become a rule on how long your supposed to wait before you meet the opposite sex?? I don't want no relationship... i just want to meet people... anyways i told him .. so what... and he tells me that now its going to be easier to get over me since i could already do this.... Well whatever! anyways... im not going to take his phone calls anymore... i just don't care... but why don't i care??

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