advice please - - honest advice
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 02-28-2005 - 4:31pm |
Hello, I haven't been here in a while, a couple of months to be exact. I apologize for not being an active member of the community. I really need advice. My husband has been out of town for a week, and will return tomorrow tonight, Tuesday. We've been having problems for years, but over the past year I have really started facing, rather than denying, psychological and emotional dv I've experienced. For now, I've been staying, trying to work things out. He's gotten better. But! I notice in myself that even when he's not around, present, I still have fears and anxiety about things he has hassled me about in the past. A big one is money. When he left last week we had settled on $200 I'd have on me outside of our bills and stuff. After buying groceries, paying a medical bill that came up, gas for our truck,etc. for myself and the kids there is not a lot of it left. Now, even though I know, intuitively, that there is absolutely no need for me to be feeling like I will have to justify what I did with the money, I am still feeling so awful, so anxious, in the pit of my stomach. Even though I've been exercising regularly and I take anti-anxiety medication I am really dreading what he may say. In the past he has made comments that I don't handle money well etc. But I have not gone on a shopping spree or anything. Plus, I'm in the habit of justifying everything I do. What advice does anyone have for getting out of this habit of jumping and being nervouse, even when he's not around about things he's hassled me about in the past. Even if he hasn't done it recently. I am literally sick to my stomach.
I am headed to go pick up the kids from daycare. I'll check in hopefully later tonight, or wed. I am always hesitant to log in at home.
Thank you for listening.

(My computer didn't want to let me type a response earlier...)
I know and understand what you are describing.
CL-Blueliner4
Yep, I have the same problem. You are not alone. I even had access to the joint account. I could check it online, I could use my bank card to withdraw, I could walk into the bank and take money out or pay bills if I wished. But Yet I panicked over every cent I spent because he would perform this melodramatic scene any time I used the money to buy necessities, including doctor bills. He said we were going to go bankrupt, how I couldn't handle money, and how I couldn't live without him bringing in a paycheck too to fund my expensive habits. I have no jewelry, furs, absolutely nothing to show for it, but I was a big spender somehow.
When my lawyer brought up the money thing, the judge threw it out complaining about how I can't argue that, when I could easily have checked the account information and seen that there was more than enough money. I guess he was saying I should have confronted the jerk. I almost cried when he tried to tell me it was just a perceived control over the money. Makes one feel a bit crazy.
Today I still cringe when I spend money. Even if I buy a pair of shoes because the old ones are ruined, I get sick inside and feel like I am wasting precious money. On the bright side, I just bought a new bed, which gave me horrible anxieties for the last couple weeks, but each time I lay in my first real bed in 25 years, the anxiety melts away a bit more. I am going to counseling and it has helped, but we haven't worked on the money part yet in our sessions (little pieces at a time). Counseling is probably the only way to break out of this inefficient train of thought.
Luv, this is sort of where I started after 25 years. I never spent money other than on my family. When my sister, who is married to a millionaire (because of her) has always had an allowance ($250) a week to raise the most incredible (3) kids and myself (ex $250,000 yr) because he had me, I took $250 a week for me after 25 years. They are where they are because of US, all of US. Anyway, people work for better company's than we do. I hope I am not out of line for this because each situation is different, anyway, no other person would be where they are without us.
I can't believe I just said that, forgive me.
Luv, Sherry
Thank you cl-wishful78 for your response to my post. I decided not to log in on our home computer so I just saw your message this morning (wed.) in response to my post on monday. You are so right about counseling. I had seen one about 3 or 4 times last summer thru the end of fall...but unfortunately, I haven't been back. I know I need to, and I know I've given myself way too many excuses for why I can't make it, and can't fit it into my schedule. My husband hated when I would go to talk to her, although it was helping me. I've thought about going to a DV counselor, specifically. I've gotten a recommendation for a place where I can get specific dv counseling near where I work so I wouldn't have to tell my husband. I'd be more comfortable with that. Thank you again for your support and encouragement.
luv
Wow! Thank you cl-blueliner4, your message was really informative! Thank you for letting me know there are others out there who've experienced what I have. It's not always easy explaining it. When I attempted to explain to my mom some of my concerns about his psychological/ emotional control over me - - - her response was that no one can make or stop me from doing anything! Well meaning, but I knew she couldn't relate. This has taken a physical toll on me. To make matters worse I do have high blood pressure, which I am on medication for. An update: he did return from traveling last evening, but we haven't had the money conversation yet. I am supposed to meet him for lunch, I am at work. As I posted in my previous reply, I am encouraged to seek out dv counseling. I saw a counselor for a few sessions last summer and fall, but she wasn't a dv couselor, specifically. I hate to admit it, but I guess, in a way, I am "shell-shocked", just like people w/post traumatic stress disorder (?).
luv
Thank you for sharing your experience. It's a horrible feeling. I am happy for you that you were able to move on. I thought about leaving again, and again...but I have 3 small kids and it tears me up (I know, I'm making yet another excuse). I'm glad to see others who went thru my (present) ordeal are now on the 'other side.
luv
Thank you,
luv