Afraid he'll hurt himself if I leave

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Afraid he'll hurt himself if I leave
8
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 3:13pm
I'm not sure if I'm in the right place for my situation or not. I feel so exhausted that to try to explain my whole situation in one sitting is overwhelming. I'm 24 and have been married for 2 1/2 years, and was with my husband (he is 39) for 2 years before we married. For complicated reasons, our relationship was almost instantly serious and we moved in together almost immediately. He has extreme rapid cycling bi-polar disorder, meaning his moods can sometimes shift from elation to the depths of despair several times in a day, or even hours. Naturally, this is difficult for both of us. Because it is so difficult to treat, we have been trying various medications for the past 4 years. This has also caused monetary difficulties because he is not insured. Throughout most of our relationship I have been pretty miserable, but since I'm pretty optimistic and a little stubborn (perhaps stupid), I have stuck it out. I want to help him! He's a great guy when he is leveled out and would never purposely hurt me. Recently, we have found a combination of medicines that helps him without making him sick from side-effects. It has leveled him out, but now he is always depressed. This is better, but still so difficult. He has been insecure about our relationship since we first met, always asking if I'm going to leave him, and lately it is really getting to me. I have to assure him that everything is fine because I can't tell him the truth. (I'm sure this is where people are going to jump on me.) I have tried countless times to have serious conversations about our marriage, but no matter how gently I approach the subject, it sets him off. He screams horrid insults at me, accuses me of plotting against him or planning to leave him. We've had many really awful scenes that I've blocked out somewhat, so I can't describe the situations, only my feeling of desperation. Oddly enough, he is the one always threatening to leave me because he "can't take it anymore." Later, he assures me that he only says he will leave me because he thinks that would be best for me. Almost every time we argue, he threatens to hurt/kill himself, grabs a knife or sharp scissors (sometimes cutting himself) or bashes his head with something. I usually try really hard to stay calm and not fall apart, but most of these episodes end with me feeling completely devastated and begging him to forgive me for whatever I did to set him off (e.g. change my mind about where I want to go for dinner, decide to wear a different shirt). Then he apologizes excessively and we eventually move on. Sometimes I wish he would leave, but I know he never will. He depends on me too much, and I don't want it to be that way.

I don't hold any of this against him. We've both been to counseling, he's put himself through a lot with some of these medications he's taken, and I know he can't control how he acts when he's having these episodes. Nevertheless, I feel so alone. Since we've been together, I've lost touch with all of my friends. He doesn't want me to talk about our problems with my sister, so I don't really talk to her either. I feel like my life is over. I give up so many things I'd like to do, not because he forces me to do so directly, but because I try to give him everything he wants so I won't make waves. I'm fairly easygoing, but I'm starting to get frustrated with this, though I suppose it is my own fault.

Another difficult issue that has arisen is our lack of a sex life... it's been well over 6 months since we've had any sexual interactions (although we always hold hands, hug and kiss), and only a handful of times in the previous year. I know this shouldn't be important, but it's getting to me. He apologizes for this a lot, too, and asks if he is fulfilling my needs. I have to tell him yes, because if I don't, he'll break down. I hate that I have become such a liar.

Sorry this is becoming so long -- once I started writing I realized how much I really have to say. There's more, but the main reason I am writing is that I've thought a lot about divorce, and while there are a few reasons that I am afraid of it (embarrassment within my family, religious concerns, money) it seems to be my best option. As much as I would like to have a relationship that was not so draining, with a man who could satisfy my physical needs as well as emotional and spiritual, I know I may never find that. After much thought, I honestly think I would be happier being alone the rest of my life than being with my husband. This was really a deciding factor for me. I want to divorce him.

The problem is his instability. I am so terrified that he will try to kill himself if I leave him. If nothing else, I know he will threaten it, and then what can I do but tell him I won't leave him? I have been thinking about contacting a psychiatrist he used to see (who also saw me a few times) to see if he could help. I want to protect him, but I want to do it in a way that will still get me out of this marriage. Please help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 8:05am
Hi, Pepper. I'm delurking from New Beginnings. My stbx used the suicide angle to get me to stay. It worked for almost two years. After awhile I had to ask myself: are you willing to devote your entire life to the sole purpose of trying to keep him from hurting himself? I finally reached the conclusion that my life was as important as his, that I was truly dying inside. I also realized that living or dying was his choice, he might choose either regardless of my staying or going, and that I didn't deserve to be abused for the next 50-60 years just because he didn't like his life. you don't deserve that either.

In your situation I see danger I never had to face: The suicidal gestures, the weapons. He sounds very dangerous. Talking to the psychiatrist sounds great, only make sure when you call you let the office know it's an urgent situation. Call a DV hotline, because you may need advice on protecting yourself. It's time for someone else to take over the caretaking. You deserve to be free.

Big hugs, best of luck, and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 3:04pm

Hi Pepper and welcome -


I agree with gonnabefine.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 11:51pm
I cannot believe how similar your husband's behavior has been to my husband's. He had not threatened to kill himself while at home, but when we were separated for over a year, he did this almost constantly. He lost his job because of that - threatened to kill himelf at work too. The rest of it is almost the same, about everythng setting him off, and me trying to agree with him on everything so it doesn't set him off, or apologizing after something did set him off because he won't calm down for hours. However right now that is not my only concern since he has also become more vindictive than ever. I am planning for ways to get a protective order and divorce without him doing everything he threatens to do (such as take the children, take the money, etc etc). This is not going to become any better although I like yourself gave him many many chances, for my sake and my kids sake. If he hurts himself that is his responsibility. You should think about your safety, and your life. I would see if your therapist has good ideas about his behavior after you leave, I would also file for a protective order because even after you leave, he is not going to stop this. I am not sure how you can protect him after you leave, other than reporting to his/your therapist.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 4:44pm
Author Patricia Cornwell once defined suicide as "the final f***-you." This is doubly true when it comes to abusers. Leon the Lunatic, my own personal former slice of hell, used to pull this one all the time. You may be interested to know that, five years after I left, he's still alive and kicking.



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style="font-family: lucida handwriting;">Erin

Real Love is Forever


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 9:59pm

Hi misspepperpot...here are my thoughts.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

Avatar for star_kes
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 9:39am
Sweetie, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through right now. When i read, 24 years old, I sadly felt not alone. I will be 24 on August 15th, and have been with someone abusive for 5 years. I tried leaving mine once (actually only threatened) to which he had a complete nervous breakdown and started taking pills from the cabinet.

I know exactly what you mean.

The truth is, if you are really needing to leave (which you do) you have to do it secretly. You can disguise packing things here and there by saying you have been cleaning and getting rid of old things, etc. if they ask. DO NOT TELL HIM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WHAT YOU ARE REALLY DOING. Hide the things you pack, and then drop them off somewhere, like a friends or parent's house. Don't do huge amounts at a time. Then, when you are ready to get out, take what you can grab and get the hell out of there. He's a big boy, if he can't look after himself, that's too damn bad! Remember, this guy is just manipulating you. It's much easier to have you do everything for him. Mine is the same way. But we broke up for a while, and I assure you, he took care of himself fine.

There's another point to be made...do not go back. Not under any circumstances. If you can get away clean, then make no contact. Also, you should try reading "The Loser" which is a document that I've referred to on numerous occasions. You can search for it on google.com and it comes up right away.

Sweetie, good luck. Make a break for it. I have become a completely different person, and even if i leave I will always carry this bull with me. get away from him. It's his fault he is that way. people choose their actions. When my bf and i broke up, he was a completely different person...for about 2 months. That proves it's all a show to get someone hooked.

Take care

star_kes

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 10:47am
Thank you everybody for your kind words. It helps so much to have your support, since I don't really feel like there's anyone else I can talk to. In response to leaving secretly, I'm not sure that's an option since we are temporarily living with my parents. I can't very well leave him here with them (or vice versa). This would be so much easier if I could just hate him, but I really believe that he wants to be good to me. I'm not defending his actions, but when he is feeling okay he is very kind and giving to me... I just don't have the energy to deal with the not-okay times anymore. Thank you again, and I'm sure I'll be writing more as all this progresses.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 10:32pm
i wanted to say thank you. i have been in a violent relationship for many years now. It started when i first met my husband. My mom was on drugs and he was my way out of the house and sometimes my ride to work. He hit me a few times and threw me down a hill but i didnt know any better. i loved him for all that he did for me. i moved in with him and he soon started getting worse. I got cut with a sword on my arm, a scar i still have to this day, fits in the face and more but i got pregnate. i stayed.

the abuse continuted but it didnt happen all the time. he finally found another woman and left for a year only to come begging me to take him back. well of course i did. we got married, moved into a shelter and he started beating me again so i left. 6 months went by. i did great. got a car, a good job. He begged me to come back and yes, the cycle continues, i went back. off and on we went. he would leave, and beg me to take him back. he would not do it again he would say. The last time he was sentenced to probation and anger management. Monday he got off the anger management and friday was hitting me again. Sunday my 5yr old called the cops when daddy wouldnt get off mommy. i still have a knot on the side of my head and bruises on my arms.

he is in jail, calling me begging me to get him out but i wont. i put him there and i will not get hiim out. i have come to realize that when i am not with him i am a better person. i am happier and i cam be myself. i dont worry about him getting mad at me for any and everything. It is sooo hard though. i love him. he is my husband. i have been fighting with mysef about letting him back in. the response with the verses has helped me come to the conclusion that i WILL go monday and get the order of protection. my sons and i do not deserve this and neither does anyone else. women bring men into the workd and the men need to learn to respect that. i dont want my sons growing up hitting on anyone, especially women.

thanks for helping a fallen soldier-

shay