Afraid for my mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2004
Afraid for my mom
2
Sun, 08-22-2004 - 9:09pm
Hi. I didn't see a board for family members of abuse victims, so I hope it's all right if I post here.

I'm very worried about my mom and I could use some reassurance right now. My dad has always been verbally abusive, I had to grow up with his yelling and belittling. Not fun. But that's not why I'm here. Mom and I have discussed before how dad just doesn't seem normal, mentally. He gets very quiet and isolates himself sometimes, and he has a very explosive temper. He is easily set off. I'm no longer living at home, so I hear about my dad through my mom. Dad and I don't talk, he was never very interested in me. Anyway, my mom is now talking about making an exit plan because dad is getting worse. She says he is even more short tempered, says even nastier things to her, and is acting weird. He's getting paranoid, he sleeps with a loaded gun beside him because he says he's worried about intruders. Well, they live out in the boondocks, so the only intruders anyone has to worry about are racoons. And mom says he gets up in the middle of the night and wanders through the house singing.

And he is trying harder to keep her from leaving. I think he knows she's thinking about it. She's gotten more assertive and independent in the last couple of years and I think this has had an effect on him. He is always telling her he will kill himself if she leaves, that she can't leave him. He will yell and cuss and belittle her and then try really hard to make it up to her, he'll pretend nothing happened and will beg her to tell him that everything's ok between them and that she's not mad. He'll ask her for a kiss when she goes out and ask her if she loves him. He wants to know where she's going and she has to check in with him if she's going to be away for longer than a few hours.

He is also a drug addict, to marijuana and pain killers. He has gotten into arguements with his doctor because the doctor won't buy his crazy stories about the pharmacy losing his prescription and stuff like that. He has a hard time getting his pills. Mom says he smokes more marijuana now then he used to.

My mom is very dependant on him financially, and is afraid to leave because of this. She is going to ask her sister about staying with her for a little while, but I wonder if she really will ask her. I told her she should see a therapist and she says she will, but not now. She doesn't seem to think this is a very big deal, and I don't want to put pressure on her, but I'm worried about her safety. I haven't mentioned abuse because she used to voluteer for a domestic abuse hotline, so she knows what it is.

I am hoping someone can help put my mind at ease. Does my dad sound dangerous? I don't think he's ever hit her. He used to shove her sometimes, but he was never violent. He never broke things either.

Avatar for smoothone2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 11:01am
Hello Alleycat and welcome to the board. I am worried about your mothers safety and your s as well. I would think it was fine that you post here on the boards. Have you called the National DV hotline 1-800 799 Safe (7233)I know they could help your mom out a lot as well as you. Your mom needs to get out of there and quickly please encourage her to call the DV hotline. It sounds as if your dad has some sort of Psychological problems because his behavior sounds very strange. Was he ever in any wars? His behavior scares me. I hope that this little advice helps keep posting and keep us updated. Good Luck your mom and you are in my prayers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2004
Mon, 08-23-2004 - 9:44pm
Thanks for your message. I'm kind of worried for myself too because my mom has told me repeatedly to not open the door to him if he ever comes here, to call the police. My mom is paranoid, so I never know whether she's being dramatic or knows something I don't. It's hard to tell with her.

Dad spent his Vietnam years as a radio tower technician and never saw any action, so he can't be having flashbacks if that's what you mean. He was abused as a kid, got the worst of it of five kids too. He knows he isn't normal and tries to use his bad childhood to guilt mom into staying with him. She used to feel sorry for him, but doesn't anymore. I think she just wants out.

I will tell her about the DV hotline, thank you. I have to find a way to break it to her gently because she is very good at downplaying the seriousness of things. I just know that if I get excited she'll tell me there's nothing to worry about.

I will keep you updated. Thanks again.