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| Thu, 10-06-2005 - 4:03pm |
Hi. I am hoping that I can find a safe place to vent here. I used to post on another domestic abuse support board and I felt ridiculed and judged. I am hoping that I will not feel that way here.
I am 25 years old and I have been with my df for almost 4 years. I am not even sure where to begin. Df has been abusive and controlling from day one. He has never abused me physically. I have been in college since I graduated in 1998, and as you can see, I have had a lot of problems graduating. The stress of the abuse is so bad that it causes me to have physical illnesses which prevent me from excelling in work in school. I have horrid headaches, migraines, back aches and pains, neck and shoulder pain, extreme fatigue, and problems with my bowel movements. I say that this is caused by the abuse because I have seen a general decline in my health since I got with df.
During the first year of our relationship df was not only abusive to me, he was emotionally isolating. This was especially difficult because my mother was just diagnosed with major depression, and my maternal grandfather had just passed away. Df would tell me to leave his home because I bugged him, and was always up his butt, bothering him. He said I smothered him, and that he didn't want me around. He would withhold sex from me and if I wanted sex I was told that I was a nymphomaniac. He cheated on me a number of times and although then I refused to see it, I can see it now. I would find various numbers in his cell phone, and women's toiletries under his bathroom sink.
I have found that the more I leave him, and the longer of periods I stay gone, the more he seems to love me and want me around. We have been living together since October 2003. I have to lie to see my friends or do anything fun or meaningful at all. He does consent to me seeing my family.
I am sick and tired of feeling litterally sick and tired. I am not sure where to go from here. I do know that when I leave him I always go back and that he never forgives me for "leaving him" even though he has litterally thrown me out of his house numerous amounts of times.

Welcome to the board goddess...
First of all, we do not judge or ridicule on this board.
Welcome, Nellie.
Thank you for your support, I can see that you guys are wonderful, committed CL's! I am so happy to have found this board.
To answer some questions that y'all had. I KNOW I am being abused. I am thankful that it has not escalated to the physical form, but I know that DF is capable of it and that it could happen to me at any time.
I was raised in a single-parent household--just me and my mother. I am an only child. My maternal granparents were instrumental in my rearing as well. I had a wonderful childhood, and I was raised to be an indpendent thinker and very self sufficient, although I always recieved unconditional love and support form my family.
That's why I am unsure how I fell into this trap of Df's. I love him dearly, but I can see that he is psychologically damaged and broken because of his own childhood and other abusive elements in his life. DF is in major denial about the abuse in has family and refuses to ackowledge the fact that he in his sisters were abused on many levels through out their lives by family members.
I could live with my mom and grandma, or with my best friend. Sometimes I go and live with then but I always go back. I am not sure why, but I wish I could stop the cycle.
I know that df is abusive and that he simply loves to control. It does something for his self esteem--gives it a boost or something! I totalled my car last week and I am now forced to drive his truck to work and school. I know he is loving this and that kills me. He also asks me every day if I have found out if the other guy's insurance will pay for me to get a rental car. The accident wasn't my fault but it sure is ruining my life and feeling of independence. My car was all mine in my name ONLY it was a present from my mother since financial aid and scholarships have paid my way through school. Please help me. I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.