Almost six years ago ..............

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Almost six years ago ..............
6
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 12:20am

My ex husband attacked me with my son watching. DS was nine at the time and wanted to help but didn't know how and his jerk of a father threatened to hurt him if he did. I still have no doubt in my head if DS had done anything at all to help his father would have hurt him so in my mind DS did the best thing by doing nothing. DS has emotional issues and did before this happened and normally when there were fights or stress or a change of any kind DS had a melt down. That night he did not which was good because I was having a hard time handling my ex husband's!! But now every May DS has a melt down of his own. I know why DS does this and right now I fear we are already building but in no way am I making an excuse for hi. He is old enough to start understanding why he gets like this, but remember he does have emotional issues and emotionally he is not 15, and find other ways to deal with this time of year.

He has four trigger times of the year and it sucks to know they are coming and not being able to stop them. The last couple have been pretty bad and I am not looking forward to May and am trying to figure out how to get him though this without the melt down that I fear is coming. But every year the May one gets worse as DS gets older and thinks of what he would do now.

So please if your staying for the kids think about my DS and how every May he can't handle what he saw but then every September he morns he loss of his father (also it is the start of a


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Avatar for cajunharmony
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Registered: 02-28-2001
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 5:50pm

Geez Queen, what a nightmare for all of you.

Mama Harmony

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 9:59pm

I have no idea what he is diagnosed with at this point!! When we moved to NY he had a couple. At that point it was ADHD, serve anxiety, and components of OCD and Autism. But in NY they seem to not know what is going on and when I ask at the counseling center I a not always given a straight answer so I stopped asking. I agree with anxiety and OCD but no longer sure about the other ones. And I would add PTSD.

He is not on meds and has not been on any in at least four years. He was on something for ADHD but hated how he acted and felt when he came off of it so he refused to take it and for the most part does well. I'd love to get him on something for the anxiety especially at the bad times but they don't want to treat that because his father may be bi-polar. But when he gets bad and we set up an appointment to see about putting him on something by the time we get in he is back under control.

Knowing it is building is not fun and this is the first time it has been this far in advance. Right now he is being fine but that can change at any minute and it sucks!! He goes tomorrow to see his counselor and I a hoping he has a solution of some kind because I am worried if he has a bad one I a going to have no choice but to send him away because they are getting worse and he is stronger then me =( but it may be what he needs to learn how to control himself. Since we know when the big ones are going to happen there should be something we can do to help him learn how to deal with things better so we don't have these problems anymore and he doesn't as he gets older.

I think we have been handling things wrong, by me I mean his counselor and me, up to this point. We prepare ourselves for what is coming but haven't talked to him about it building and how he can and needs to stop it now before it gets out of control. But up till recently I don't think he could handle that but I think he can now and he needs to start recognizing what is going on and dealing with it. When he first started counseling he had no clue what he was feeling about anything or what to do about it. He had to be taught what he was feeling and he now knows and so we should be at the point that he can learn to head off the bad times. When the anxiety gets bad with me I stop to think about the date and nine times out of ten there is a trigger date coming up and that helps me and I have hope he will get to that point.

I should be OK with staying on the board but will let you know if I have to step away but it is also a trigger month for me for me and dealing with him like this makes it worse on me. I think about it more and feel guilt over what he saw and what it has done to him. Being on the board helps me to work though my own demons when I try to help other. I hope to save at least one mother/child(ren) from going though what we have and are.

Thursday is the date that started it all and lead to the May 5th/6th attack. My birthday present to myself that year was I was never going to have sex with my ex husband again and I stuck to it!! He tried for three weeks to get me to give in, I always had in the past with in a day or two, but I didn't and well we know how that ended .............

I think the key to my healing is helping DS to heal. I do not think I will fully heal till I know he will not be taking the same path as his father .....................


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Avatar for winter2007
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Registered: 06-17-2006
Tue, 04-12-2011 - 11:40pm

Hi April - thanks for sharing your story. It is so sad that the effects of abuse last a long long time..For our kids, however abusive a Dad is, he still is their Dad..and they miss having a father figure in their life. I think 9 is when they are old enough to remember..so sorry that he has to go through this every year..If only he had something that he was interested in..that would take away the internal pain he has ..(kids who act out..are really acting out what they are suffering inside..)..

It seems like you are doing what you can..counseling and other programs..could also be the teenage years on top of this..hopefully it will all settle down..by the time he is an adult..

Take care (hugs)

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Registered: 01-04-2000
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 12:08am

A couple of things came to mind...first, has the counselor looked into the possibility of Adjustment disorder?...far stretch, but it might be possible that from the time he started witnessing the abuse he has been struggling with the ability to adjust to what was going on...

Also could there be a mild depression that is underlying in E (or you at that) and possibly increases during those periods of time that the flair ups occur?...I am sure your counselor has considered these, but I am mentioning them just in case they were over looked.

Avatar for queen_brat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 12:43am

This is in response to winter (my computer went crazy and wouldn't post):

At any age they can remember. I talk mostly about my son because he is the one acting out the most and has been for the longest but I should also talk about my youngest R who was only three when we left her father. She hasn't acted out as bad a DS has but we had a bad time not to long ago. She threatened to run away on top of saying some things that scared me. She was out of counseling but is back in over this. I am not sure at this point what she remembers but just a couple of years ago she remembered him ripping my shirt one day and admitted that she saw him attack me that night. I didn't see her but she described it in great detail. It is possible she over heard things but the thought that she saw makes me want to cry. I am hoping that since she was three she will one day not be able to remember. I do not hold out hope that DS will ever get those images out of his head =(. I will tell you that she never asks about her father or talks about him. At nine with being three when we left him she remembers enough to know she is better off without him in her life. So please those reading never think if they are young they will "forget" because it does not always happen and the longer you stay the more they see and remember. I have the one who act out physically over what he saw and one that so far it has only been verbal but the things she has said at nine have been scarier and have me scared for her! And no matter who much you think you protect them they they see, hear, and pick up on way more then they are ever given credit for and the damage done takes years to undo.

Leaving is scary and I will never forget the fear I felt the day we drove away from South Carolina!! But if I had known what it would do to my children I would have left years before I did to save them from the pain my staying caused. I thought I was doing the right thing by staying but in the end it wasn't. I beat myself up over this at certain times of the year (like right now) but


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Registered: 01-04-2000
Wed, 04-13-2011 - 1:17am

I started to type out from my DSM but there is so much and the more I read the more I could see E fitting into this area from his past experiences...

Here is a link that has a lot of the information in there.

http://www.psyweb.com/mdisord/jsp/adjd.jsp