Am I abusive too?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Am I abusive too?
2
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 12:48am
I won't recount my entire history here, but when I read through the abuse checklist, many, many of the items apply to my H, though things have never reached the point of actual beating. But there has been emotional and physical both to me and our 10yo DS. But as I read the lists, I also see things I have done. None of the physical stuff, but I have said mean things in the midst of a blowout.

I have been critical of things he does: When he lets the dishes sit in the sink for five days. When he makes our 10yo make dinner because he doesn't want to get out of bed. (H works nights). When he has refused to get a job. When he does things like let the kids watch R-rated movies that I have explicitly said are not appropriate or when he sits them in front of the television all day long. From my standpoint, as a husband, father and adult, he is expected to do certain things and meet a certain standard of responsibility and good judgement. I don't blow off my responsibilities. I don't think he has a right to do it. Or perhaps more accurately, he has a right to do what he wants, but I don't think it IS right for him to do those things. I feel like I should be able to count on him and I don't think I should keep my mouth shut when he makes very bad choices, especially regarding our kids. In many cases, I don't think these things are parenting styles but rather common sense and frankly issues of what is right.

He says that I look down on his job (he's a janitor) and on him in general. I admit some resentment and frustration over his entire employment situation. I am a professional with a college degree. He has no HS diploma. When we first met, I helped him get enrolled in community college. He proceeded to skip classes and lie about doing so and eventually dropped out. I encouraged him repeatedly to get his GED and said that I will work my schedule around any classes he needs to take. He never follows through. He got hurt on the job a few years back and had a chance for worker's comp to pay for training. He didn't like anything they proposed and lied to me about cooperating with his re-employment worker. Eventually the insurance company denied all benefits. We have been poor for most of out marriage because he has refused to get a job. And now he is working as a janitor with an awful schedule that forces our kids to fend for themselves during the day while he sleeps. I don't see any future prospects in the job. As I look into the future, I don't see any prospects for his jobs doing anything to improve our station in life. So yes, I am frustrated and say as much.

I yell when I am mad about all of hese things. And when ignores me, refuses to acknowlege anything I say and walks away from me when I am talking, I do follow him to the next room. It drives me nuts when he just blows me off. While he offers nothing now, he used to say that he just needed to cool off. Problem has always been that cooling off means he walks away and we never talk about it again, or if I try to, he gets pissed or accuses me of holding the past against him. In my mind, nothing has changed.

On one hand, I feel bad about saying mean things and sometimes feel like I AM constantly nagging him about things. I am not good at keeping my mouth shut about things that bother me and it is a challenge for me to let little stuff be. I am aware of this character flaw in myself. But on the other, I don't feel like my expectations of him are out of line. I feel like I expect him to simply be like other adults. He says me getting angry about some of this stuff is attacking who he is.

Does this stuff mean I am abusive too? Be honest, please.

MG

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
In reply to: mgnorth
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 3:09am

MG, it's very hard to say from your post whether or not you are an abuser as well.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
In reply to: mgnorth
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 6:56am
MG,

When Wendell and I were together, there were times that I thought I was abusive too. He was a teacher and off all summer. After about a month of nothing being done and a few credit card bills that were averaging about $1,000 (nothing for the house mind you), I would throw a huge fit. Instead of him helping or curb his spending, he would just go on his merry way. This just got me more frustrated. In a healthy situation, there would be problem solving and things would get fixed. Read through your post again, you are getting frustrated over reasonable demands that he is refusing to acknowledge. Don't think he ever will. Think about it, if you gave him that list would he go through it and pick out his abusive traits? Not on your life. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Hugs,

Terry